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THE EMPIRE OF MIKE:     HOME  :  ALL COLUMNS

ALL COLUMNS BY MIKE JULIANELLE

1 to 10 of 129 columns
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1. the worry-free guide to impending fatherhood
just relax a little, asshole
humor - lifestyle
1.6.12 : feature column!

It was almost exactly two years ago when I discovered I was going to be a father. My level of ignorance on the topic had me pretty nervous, but the nerves are natural. And kind of pointless. Because what I’ve learned after my first full year as a dad is that the key to being a good father is simply this: don't be an asshole. Seriously. If you're already not an asshole, you can skip the rest of this (long) column because that's all there is to it. Congratulations! Go forth and multiply. Howeve...
2. superbland?
we don't need some other hero
pop culture - discussion
4.6.11 : feature column!

In a pattern that is so common it's now merely referred to as "summer," another crop of superhero movies will be sprouting up over the next few months. And regardless of whether they clean up (Captain America) or don't (Thor), more are on their way -- including new installments for the three most famous: Spider-Man, Batman and Superman. A few years ago I wrote a column about Superman's most recent attempt to reclaim his spot as the most super-heroic of all the superheroes. It didn't q...
3. quality control
parental guidance is required
pop culture - appreciation
1.12.11 : feature column!

One of my friends sent me an amazing Christmas gift – an Omar bib. It’s ostensibly for my baby, but since my ignorant son has no awareness of the “The Wire," let alone any idea who Omar is, the gift was clearly more for me. Besides, a piece of art like this is not meant to mop up drool. But I did hazard a few pictures of my son wearing it. The soon-to-be-framed bib got me thinking. One of the aspects of being a dad that I’m most excited about is the opportunity to share my favorite things wi...
4. bleat the parents
judgment fray
humor - criticism
12.22.10 : feature column!

We’ve known each other a while now. We don’t always see eye to eye, but despite our differences, I think we can all agree on two things: 1 – I’m a pretty amazing person, all around. 2 – I can’t remember the second thing. My actions, behavior, personality and general comportment on a daily basis are completely and 100% irreproachable. As such, there’s no reason to bother judging me; there’s nothing to judge. Besides, you don’t see me judging you, do you? Sure, most of you like terrible music...
5. this changes everything
the apple of my eye
humor - appreciation
11.5.10 : feature column!

I had no idea it would be this complicated. I know, I know: I signed up for this, I should have known what I was getting into. Hell, I'd even done the research, reading up online, getting friends opinions, interacting with different kinds just to see how it felt. But when it's yours, it's a brand new ballgame. For years I railed against them. I'm older now. Things have changed. I've changed. And when it came time to take it home, I was not even close to prepared for it. I’d heard from friends...
6. how did i get here?
it has stopped making sense
humor - lifestyle
10.6.10 : feature column!

A friend of mine recently remarked that a picture of me striking the Heisman pose – with my baby standing in for the football – is strikingly similar to something one of the characters does in the soon-to-be released piece of garbage Life As You Know It. My immediate reaction was to scold my friend for seeing a movie co-starring Josh Duhamel ("Vegas"; on the arm of a frying pan) and Katherine Heigl ("Roswell"; the DVD bargain bin at Wal-Mart). Then I considered the ramifications of his comment,...
7. oh, great. expectations.
take it down a notch
humor - criticism
9.6.10 : feature column!

[Preemptive disclaimer: Calm down, everyone. This column isn't about babies.] Expectations are a bitch. About two weeks ago, my wife and I went to the doctor to check on the progress of our fetus. He’s not due to be born for another week or so, but on this day – still three weeks before the scheduled due date – our doctor decided to whip my wife into a frenzy by announcing that labor might very well happen that coming weekend. Here we are, two weeks later, and nothing; Not a Cabbage Patch D...
8. poker face
lady gaga's image control
pop culture - appreciation
8.6.10 : feature column!

A few months ago I wrote a hilarious column about the ways in which women inadvertently make themselves less attractive to the very men they are attempting to attract. And it got me thinking about appearances and superficiality and celebrity culture. And even though my column was about ugly girls and not ugly guys, I couldn’t help thinking about Lady Gaga. Unfortunately, that was a column in which I encouraged girls to sublimate any and all ambitions beyond procreation and therefore concentrat...
9. the parent trap
buried with children
humor - lifestyle
7.7.10 : feature column!

I know, I know. What do I have to complain about? I’m not the one with a creature growing in my belly, stretching my body, stressing my muscles, assaulting my hormones, eliminating my wardrobe, preventing me from drinking, stopping me from bending over, forcing me to sleep in uncomfortable positions, preventing me from drinking, causing heartburn and indigestion, poking at my skin from the inside, making an already uncomfortable summer even more uncomfortable, preventing me from drinking and so...
10. beastie girls
sabotaging their sex appeal
humor - criticism
6.11.10 : feature column!

For women, it's often back hair. It doesn’t matter how good looking a guy is, if she catches a glimpse of back hair - a tuft on the shoulders, a thin sheen along the spine, a dusting over the back-fat – it’s over. Back hair is more than a turn-off, it’s a deal-breaker. A gag-maker. It’s like one of those electronic collars you put on a dog; the sensation is so painful, she’s sure to never approach the area again. And by “the area” I mean “your balls.” It’s not exactly fair either. Having ba...
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RAVES

re: the worry-free guide to impending fatherhood

Great column, asshole.

re: superbland?

Spot-on. And it's possible for Superman to have a sense of humor. Look at the Superfriends.

re: bleat the parents

Mike, I just have to give you a big AMEN for this!! I agree with you so much that I have made it my life's work to make a little dent in the guilt, judgment and shame game of parenting!

re: bleat the parents

Late to reading this, but enjoyed it tremendously.

re: this changes everything

Love the build up. one our your best.

re: poker face

Mike's got a crush! Mike's got a crush!

re: the parent trap

Really, really funny. This killed me. (And love your blog, too.)

re: the season of the watch

Exceptionally funny!!!

re: clear and presents danger

You poor thing, you are REALLY in trouble now!

re: dagwoodn't

At last: somebody who gets it!!!

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