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THE EMPIRE OF RUSS:     HOME  :  ALL COLUMNS

ALL COLUMNS BY RUSS CARR

1 to 10 of 87 columns
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1. without control, there's only chaos
it's time to get smart and 86 the 99
news - criticism
11.23.11 : feature column!

It's been more than a week now since first the police, followed quickly by sanitation workers, moved in on city parks across the United States, driving protestors assembled as part of the Occupy movement out from their makeshift tent cities and back to whatever homes they came from. And while some of those who claimed to represent the "99 Percent" – a decidedly dubious number meant to include everyone who is not among the wealthiest one percent of the American population – have trickled back in...
2. the last beat of the pig-hearted man
better living through bacon
humor - improvement
3.23.11 : feature column!

I am...not entirely human. I am the result of multiple surgical techniques, the product of which is a body that is beyond what nature intended. I am a hybrid. Some parts are man. Some parts are machine. Some parts are...pork. Roughly 38 years ago, give or take some weeks, I had part of my heart replaced. A dysfunctional valve was removed, and in its place was sewn a similar valve from a pig. It's a good thing I wasn't born Muslim. Or an orthodox Jew. But after nearly four decades, during ...
3. this one goes up to '11
we need that extra push over the cliff
news - lifestyle
12.29.10 : feature column!

FACT: The United Nations has designated 2011 the International Year of Forests and the International Year of Chemistry. What's that mean to you? It means it's time to grab that stash of Sudafed and head out to our scenic national parks to cook up some meth among the evergreens! Hey, folks - 2011 is nearly upon us. Time for a mental enema, a brain scrub to wipe out the last excruciating memories of a year - nay, a decade! - that redefined absurdity and reaffirmed my faith that DEVO was right: we...
4. juan talk over the line
wherein br'er williams gets tossed in the briar patch
news - general
10.25.10 : feature column!

Juan Williams doesn’t read my columns here at Intrepid. I know this, because I wrote the following in a column just a couple of months ago: "All of this [instant dissemination of information] has had a ripple effect on how we get our news, or what passes as news now. It feeds the tabloid sensationalism, the confrontational approach to "journalism" so evident on the cable news stations in particular. It's a desperation to be heard among the rush, to count for something, at any cost, in order to ...
5. hawaii five, viewer zero
aloha means goodbye
television - criticism
9.22.10 : feature column!

Ho, brah - da pupuli okole from CBS, Julie McNamara? She da kine lolo haole wahine, eh? Loosely translated from Hawaiian pidgin: "You know the Vice President for Drama Development for CBS television, Julie McNamara? I find her to be of questionable acumen and poor sensitivity to the local culture regarding the development of her network's new show, "Hawaii Five-O." (I may have unwittingly omitted a colorful adjective or two. Nuances, y'know.) So I just watched the pilot revamped, recycled, re...
6. the media is the meth age
is that why it's called a 'user' name?
general - lifestyle
8.23.10 : feature column!

I went to college so I could be a journalist. That's proof enough that I didn't know the first thing about journalism, or I could have saved four years of student loans, but that's also a 20 year old moot point. Truth is, I was an information junkie, and it seemed to me, way back in the late '80s, that the best way to get that fix was to wrangle a job in a newsroom somewhere. I would have been perfectly content as the guy watching the wire feed come in, pulling stories, editing them and pushin...
7. he is iron man
steve jobs new persona is starkly apparent
tech - lifestyle
5.26.10 : feature column!

Before I ever saw Iron Man in a comic book, I knew him from the old '60s cartoon series*. And while these adventures may have been crudely animated, they happened to feature one of the best cartoon theme songs EVER: Tony Stark makes you feel he's a cool exec with a heart of steel. As Iron Man, all jets ablaze, he fights and smites with repulsor rays! Amazing armor! Iron Man! A blaze of power! Iron Man!As Stan Lee might have described it: a scintillatingly succinct summation of ol' Shellhead'...
8. state of what union?
if you want change, check your couch cushions
news - criticism
1.25.10 : feature column!

Last week's news out of Massachusetts surprised even me. Voters in the Bay State did the (apparently) unthinkable, electing a Republican to the U.S. Senate for the first time since 1972. To make this upset even more astonishing, this was the Senate seat previously held by Ted Kennedy for nearly 47 years.* Prior to that, big brother Jack had held the seat for eight years. No small wonder that the office became known as "the Kennedy seat." But the Kennedy brothers' 55 years, put in perspective, i...
9. a taste of christmas
slow down, y'all...it's christmas
general - lifestyle
12.23.09 : feature column!

Christmas is nearly upon us now. And even those who don't celebrate the birth of the Christ child still seem to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the holiday, whether it's through the traditions and recitations of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, the lines and traffic of shopping for presents, or even just the year end rush to get things done at the office before year's end. In the spirit of peace -- and quite literally as an offered respite -- I present to you the following sto...
10. the turkey
(apologies to ben folds)
music - sample
11.26.09

Well I thought about a turkey Kath said, Russ you must be nuts But I thought, yeah, thanksgiving just won't be the same Without a bird with cornbread for its guts Rushed to the grocer's It was only fifteen pounds frozen stiff Got to defrost this turkey Fill the bathtub, thaw it in a jiff Still an iceberg in the morning Felt I had to go for broke Aimed my wife's hair dryer at it Till I saw a spark and smelled a puff of smoke Close enough, I diagnosed it Threw it in a roasting tray With a slather...
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RAVES

re: without control, there's only chaos

Great because I agree with the perspective and like how you wrote about it.

re: the last beat of the pig-hearted man

The pigger the better. Well-written, just right.

re: the last beat of the pig-hearted man

Funniest serious article I've ever read. Thanks Russ.

re: the last beat of the pig-hearted man

Pretty moving... and funny.

re: the last beat of the pig-hearted man

A great example of dark-ish humor!

re: this one goes up to '11

One of the funniest I've read. Really great.

re: hawaii five, viewer zero

I don't know if the show is any good, but the review sure is. Reading Russ is better than watching TV anyway: smarter, sharper, and just plain awesomer. Mahalo!

re: hawaii five, viewer zero

Yup. Excellent critique.

re: state of what union?

Well-written and well-stated. Not quite sure what the answer is, but, at the very least, voting keeps getting us off the couch cushions.

re: state of what union?

Excellent column. Passes over the easy targets and hones in on the problem.

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