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a disturbing thought
the story of one little thought, and the trouble he caused
by robert a. melos

This afternoon while listening to a Van Morrison CD, I had a most disturbing thought. You see Van Morrison is very inspiring to me, on many levels. Aside from the fact I think the guy is hot, for a straight guy, his music really calms me, inspires me, and moves me. So, while I was listening to him singing "These Dreams Of You," I had this most disturbing thought.

It started out as most of my other thoughts start out, sluggish, a bit off kilter, and not very coherent, and suddenly there it was in full swing, whirling through my mind on a collision course with several other thoughts, all of which were gathered by the pool sipping Pina Coladas, and blissfully ignorant of what was about to enter their sphere. The thought, a nameless nomad of a thought, a trouble maker type if I ever saw one, was simply a thought of how much of a struggle everything seemed to be, and perhaps, just perhaps, had I been straight instead of gay, everything would be so much easier and it would all come together in a perfect harmony.

I can only say Van Morrison inspires very strange feelings within me. As I said, he's hot. So anyway, this most disturbing thought crash landed at the pool, disrupting the reverie of several other thoughts, all enjoying the general holiday atmosphere which is often my mind, and creating general havoc over spilt coconut flavored drinks, laced with vodka, since my thoughts don't really like rum all that much.

Once they reassembled themselves, cleaned up the wasted drinks, and replaced them with fresh ones, and introduced themselves to this new thought, they were stunned into silence for all of a minute by his shocking idea. It wasn't merely the fact this thought was a stranger amongst them, but also the warped ideology he was spouting, which put them off.

After all, it had taken nothing short of an act of God, sort of, to bring about the changes necessary for them to flourish in an atmosphere of truth and honesty. Suddenly this frightening revolutionary was crash landing and raving about how, if I were straight instead of gay, everything would simply fall into place and I wouldn't be lacking in anything.

The general consensus was this thought was a heretic and should be burned at the stake, but calmer thoughts, those higher up in the chain of command, and less intoxicated on party drinks, prevailed. The heretic wasn't slaughtered on the spot. Instead he was gently questioned as to why he felt such a radical thing? Why, he was asked, did he feel being straight would make things easier in life?

The thought paused for a moment before answering, and finally said, "because it would be one less thing to have to deal with at the end of the day."

Jerry, the CEO of the Thought Consortium, and head of the current tribunal, shook his head, but pressed on. "How do you mean, deal with?"

"Well," the thought said, "heterosexuals don't think in terms of being straight, they just are. They don't have to consider themselves different from everyone else, because they are like everyone else."

Jerry furrowed his brow. "But being like everyone else doesn't make things any easier."

"Yes it does," the thought contended. "If everyone were straight, then everyone would want the same things, and like the same things, and no one would feel left out, like the people who want to marry their same-sex partners."

"But all straight people can't agree one thing, so what makes you think everyone would want the same things?" Jerry asked.

"Because all straight people want the same things," the thought said. "They want to grow up, get married, have two point five children, a tract home in the suburbs, a couple dogs, an in-ground pool, a Jacuzzi, a vacation home in Florida or the Poconos, a high paying job, six weeks paid vacation a year, a loving mate, and to be free of financial and relationship worries."

"Well," Jerry said, ignoring the thought's lack of the over all world view, remembering most thoughts are born in a self serving and self centered environment where Bob's mind was concerned. "do you want those things?"

"Yes," the thought said.

"And you're not straight, are you?" Jerry asked.

The thought paused before answering. "No."

"Do you think straight thoughts can get those things you want any faster or easier than you can?" Jerry asked.

"Sure they do," the thought said. "Look at Anna Nicole Smith. Look at Ozzy Osbourne. Look at Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. They all get what they want."

Jerry shook his head again, and fought the urge to pass sentence right there. "You aren't being realistic," he said. "It seems all you want is for things to come easy to you, and feeling as if you are different is your way of copping out. If you're different that's the real reason you don't have the lasting relationship, because being different allows you an escape clause. It allows you the chance to have an excuse for not going out and getting the house, the job, the kids, the dogs, the fast cars--"

"Who said anything about fast cars?" the thought interrupted.

"Hush, I'm talking now," Jerry said. "Where was I. Oh yes, fast cars, and hot guys. You aren't any different from straight thoughts, only you are giving in to the opiate of ignorance and fear gripping the homosexual community on so many levels, allowing it to desire the safety of the closet rather than the hard work of trying to make it in the world while being true to yourself."

"But all I want is to love and be loved in return," the thought said.

"And all straight people have that how?" Jerry asked.

"Well, they go out on dates and find it, I suppose," the thought said, after a moment of consideration.

"And you could have that with someone you're attracted to as well," Jerry said, "if you put yourself out there more, and made yourself available to others who might be interested in a hot little thought such as yourself."

The thought paused. "You really think I'm hot?"

Jerry cleared his throat. "That's not the point. The point is, you don't have to be something you're not in order for you to be happy in this world. As long as you are honest with yourself and others, and true to who you are on the inside, you will get the things you want and need in life, because you won't be spending all your time trying to be something you're not, and will be spending all of your time working toward getting the things you want."

"So you think I'm hot, huh?" the thought asked, again.

Jerry growled, counted to three, and took a deep breath. "Are you listening to anything I've been saying, aside from the fact I think you're a hottie?" he asked.

"Yeah, sort of," the thought answered. "You think if I stop looking to others to solve my problems, and stop concerning myself with being something I'm not, and basically take responsibility for my own actions, stop looking for the easy way out of things, and stop daydreaming about how things could be different if I were different, and just get on with the process of living the life I've got, I'll have more success than if I just sit around looking to place blame for my not succeeding."

"That's right," Jerry beamed. "See what happens when you listen to the boss?"

"Springsteen? Where?!" The thought asked anxiously glancing around.

"I meant me," Jerry said. "Anyway, you understand life isn't handed to anyone, and all those," he paused, searching for the nice words before continuing, "celebrities you mentioned didn't just get things handed to them either."

"Anna Nicole Smith did," the thought said, defiantly.

Jerry reached out and smacked the thought on the back of his head. "You are not Anna Nicole Smith, and you never will be. No go put your energy into something constructive, like writing a nice article on how you reached the conclusion you should be happy with what your are, or maybe write about how everyone, straight or gay, wants the same thing in the end, which is to be happy with what they have and who they are, and that really makes us all more alike than different."

"I guess you're right," the thought said, sipping a drink and chewing on a bit of pineapple from the edge of the frosty glass.

"You know I'm right," Jerry said. "I'm not the head of the Thought Consortium for nothing."

"No, he gets a really inflated salary," an on looking thought shouted.

Jerry snarled, and the reveries began again. My disturbing thought had been squelched, canceling out a bunch of other disturbing thoughts all ready to pounce should the thought have succeeded in causing more questioning of my sexual nature. The DNA debates alone would've caused great headaches. There still is a contingent of thoughts all wondering if straight thoughts ever bother to gather and discuss the really important things in life, or do they just sit around drinking beer and talking about chicks and football?


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


where were you when you mind went snap?
ever wonder what someone is thinking?
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 7.5.05

war talk
making a date with destiny
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 3.7.03


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