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bobby the realtor slayer
there's a fine line between reality, sanity, and real estate
by robert a. melos
8.14.02
humor



I rise each day with the noontime sun, to face the world. Usually I can get through some of the typical start of my day rituals such as showering, shaving, and blow drying my hair without encountering anything more evil than a clogged drain. After donning my Realtor costume, usually a nice dress shirt, casual slacks and boots or loafers depending or my mood, I venture from the safety of my hovel into the world.

Once outside of the safety of my home the real world becomes the source of evil one usually only reads about in Stephen King novels or the front page of one's local newspaper. If I'm lucky enough to get to the office without encountering some wicked Healmouth creature in a Hyundai or a minivan, I manage to hold on to my sanity for that much longer. Once I'm in the office, and dealing with the general public, my fragile grip on reality slips away and I become Bobby The Realtor Slayer.

It was subtle at first, barely noticeable by any standards. I would get a call from some greedy troll, er, seller, looking to market their cave, er, home, and my job would be to research the grimoire, er, multiple listings system in order to give them an idea of what their chamber of horrors, er, three bedroom split-level tract house would be worth on the open market.

I actually used to not be able to see through their human disguises, only seeing a pleasant couple, or single person, with or without children, inquiring as to their possible financial futures. Then one day something happened. Something went snap, and I suddenly saw buyers, and sellers, and lawyers for the demons, and trolls, and creatures from Hell they were. I would call it a blessing or vision, or illusion of the mind, depending on your point of view.

So usually my day starts off in one plane of existence, until that first encounter of the day with greedy trolls or ignorant demons, and then the planes shift and I start to see evil everywhere. As the day progresses, in my mind, I stake, slay, fillet, decapitate, and skewer any number of trolls, demons, gnomes, and lawyers (funny how they remain the same in the evil realms) while showing houses, writing and negotiating contracts, and dealing with other Realtors in general.

Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, or perhaps I really do see evil and hellish creatures every time I turn around. I'm never quite sure what to expect after the first appearance of the first greedy troll of the day. Some days are relatively good, and I only have to verbally slay a money sucking lawyer or two over the phone. It's the other days which I dread. I'm talking about the days when a demon or troll walks in off the street requesting my services.

Don't they realize I'm going to have to slay them, in my imagination at least, in order for me to get through the day with my relative sanity still intact, somewhere? Of course demons and trolls, er, buyers and sellers don't realize this when they walk in because how many Realtors out there in the real world are also slayers? I mean, if you're a demon or troll, what are the chances a Realtor Slayer will be in the real estate agency you've chosen to represent you?

Aside from the usually greedy trolls and demons, I do occasionally deal with human beings. Admittedly this is a rare occasion, but every now and again a human being will call up asking for a price on a property they've driven passed, or seen an ad for in a magazine or newspaper, but many of them are infected with the troll gene, and after one or two meetings they start to turn from human to greedy troll, looking to steal a property from another greedy troll, er, seller.

I know my sanity may be in question at this point, but I assure you, I'm only here to protect the world from greedy trolls and evil demons, er, overly enthusiastic buyers and sellers. I'm not here to arbitrarily slay, skewer, mutilate, or decapitate all of the evil creatures I encounter, only the ones who annoy me in my pursuit of my daily happiness.

The world is a big place, and trolls and evil demons deserve equal and fair real estate representation, even in New Jersey. I try not to slay, but the inevitable happens. A troll, er, seller, or an evil demon, er, buyer, or a lawyer, will just piss me off, and snap! There I am wielding a stake and sword, er, calculator an contract, and the next thing I know, demons and trolls and lawyers are littering my office floor.

Perhaps Realtor Slayer isn't the right occupation for me? Maybe I should be working in something less likely to attract evil, like advertising?


ABOUT ROBERT A. MELOS

Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos

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COMMENTS

adam kraemer
8.21.02 @ 4:44p

I think Dean Koontz once actually wrote a book about a guy who could see demons hidden among us.

juli mccarthy
8.21.02 @ 10:41p

"The Ten O'Clock People", a Stephen King short in the Nightmares and Dreamscapes anthology. Is that what you're thinking of, Adam? And if not, could you tell me the title of the Koontz book? Because I have long thought Koontz is a King ripper-offer and I need more evidence to support this argument than Mr. Murder / The Dark Half.

[edited]



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