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i wish i knew the meaning of my life
well, not really...
by daniel castro
7.26.02
general


Isn't there a time in your life when you think that everything you have done or are doing has no meaning? To yourself, or everyone else? Or even worse, that your life has no meaning?

I'm at the point that even at my young age (yeah, right) I feel like my life has no meaning. At all. I question myself for that, quite often. The worst thing is that most of the time I cannot find the answers for my questions.

Because of all of the shit I have gone through, I ask what is the meaning of my existence in this fucked up world. I ask why is it that I am here. I mean, it's not that I want to die, no. I love life too damn much to leave (No, I am not "high on life" ok?). What will the outcome of my life be? And do I really want to know? At times yes, but then again, no. Yes, because I think everyone wants to know what is ahead of them, how will you have changed individually, etc., etc. No, because what if I'm destined to be a nobody? And even then, knowing what I will become, I will not do the slightest thing to change the future with my actions. The other thing is, besides asking myself this (which really doesn't help most of the time) who am I asking this to? God? Probably never. Because, by experience, I know He is not that helpful. He took what I loved the most, my dad, when I needed him the most. Since then I stopped caring what god did for me, and even less for everyone else. I used to believe that I never had to question god, but after that I questioned Him for every fucking thing that happened to me. I did that for a long time. After I got no answers, I decided that if He didn't answer me, why would I care to follow his rules? Hence why I became a Satanist. Besides "god" there is no one here to answer that for me. No one.

Anyways, back to the point, I know my actions decide my future, but is that all there is to it? Isn?t there something else that influences what happens to you? You might call that something "luck", or even "faith". And, yes, I believe luck helps you, but sometimes, not always. Your life does not depend on luck. And you always have faith (not necessarily on God) but, your life is not guided by faith in its entirety. So what then? Has my future been already decided for me? By who? And can I ever change it, or will I be a slave of it? Who knows? It pisses me off because I have lost sleep endless times over it and I can never find the answers. And there are times when I really don't want to know the answers. Simply because they scare me.

Whatever.

What about when the people you thought cared about you make you feel like shit. I really despise these people. They used to make me feel hapless. Now they make me laugh. Either because they thought I would never make something out of myself, or because they abused my trust, and most of all they thought they could take advantage of me. I showed some people in my family that the ugly duckling ended up doing better than the cute swan. They know who they are, and they do not like to admit it. It makes me feel proud of myself. Why? Because I know they are the ones now who feel like shit. It is the best revenge, ever.

In the end it could be that all of this makes me feel bad or depressed for no reason at all. But I dwell on it in spite of what the outcome might be. If there ever is one.

Thinking like this is not the best use I have of my time. I need to get out more, man....


ABOUT DANIEL CASTRO

Great, outgoing guy in his mid 20's. Works and parties hard. Obsessed with music. Oh wait, this isn't match.com

more about daniel castro

IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...

good night, brown eyes.
i don't exist.
by daniel castro
topic: general
published: 1.30.08





COMMENTS

matt morin
7.26.02 @ 5:04p

"A human life is like a single letter in the alphabet. It can be meaningless. Or it can be part of a great meaning."

If you're not sure your life has meaning, then give it one. It doesn't matter what the goal is - become president, own a gas station, run a marathon, write a book, learn another language - give yourself a purpose and your life will have one too.

daniel castro
7.26.02 @ 6:09p

That's another way to look at it...Great quote by the way.

wendy p
7.26.02 @ 7:49p

The meaning of your life is what you make it.. you've survived the past, now make your future count.

jeffrey walker
7.28.02 @ 10:54p

I know what you mean. Believe me, questions, confusion and people that suck will always show up. My best advice: keep talking to those you find along the way that help you make sense of it all. They'll help you find the way. Don't be scared of what you find out. But most of all, don't let the ugly things that have happened or that will happen along the way stop you from living life the way you want it. If fears stop you, that's when the bad guys win.

[edited]

robert melos
7.29.02 @ 1:09a

The meaning of life is 42. Go with it. It'll make the days seem less empty.

Sarcasm aside, I get the feeling you're in real pain. Part of my growth process was to learn not to worry about tomorrow, and concentrate more on today. Enjoy the moments, not the whole, because the moments make up the whole, and once you have the moments down, the whole will come together for you.

At least give it a try. I could be wrong, but it worked for me. Good luck.

[edited]

daniel castro
7.29.02 @ 1:53a

Hehehe...thanks, but 42 seems a long way from where i am today. thats 24 years from now. And yeah, I am in pain, but not all the time, otherwise I'd be dead by now (I know what I'm saying...)

daniel castro
7.29.02 @ 4:10a

Oh Jeffrey, I know what you mean, and that is what I do most of the time. But when everything is at its lowest, that's when I start to think like this. I know it's not the right way to deal with my problems, but sometimes i don't see an alternative. But it's all cool now. No worries. (At least I hope...)

roger striffler
7.30.02 @ 11:13a

You're so right, Daniel. When things are at their lowest you can't help but dwell on it, and really, I think you should. For a while. Then you have to drag yourself up and get on with it. Thing is, it's your life and you only get one (as far as we know). It may not be clear why you're here, but man, what a cool place to try to figure it out. And if all you ever did was spend your life exploring, travelling, and searching for the answer, wouldn't it be a cool damn trip?

I know it's easier said than done, but in the back of your mind try to always remember that letting other people get to you doesn't affect them at all, so it's best to let them go and get on with doing what makes you happy.

daniel castro
7.30.02 @ 1:03p

One thing, everyone seems to think I was apologizing at the end of the article. Am I the only one who seems to think otherwise? Well, I changed the ending already. Oh, and Jeffrey, thanks a lot for the offer. I shall do my best to earn it.

[edited]

roger striffler
7.31.02 @ 5:20p

I don't think anyone thought you were apologizing, it's just that when you're making a point, you don't need to give people a reason to doubt you.

That said, I like the change.

adam kraemer
8.1.02 @ 10:12a

I did that for a long time. After I got no answers, I decided that if He didn’t answer me, why would I care to follow his rules? Hence why I became a Satanist.

I'm Jewish and don't really believe in Satan, but has becoming a Satanist done anything for you? Has Lucifer been able to answer those questions that God couldn't? I say just become an agnostic and enjoy those happy moments that life hands you and try to avoid the bad ones.

russ carr
8.1.02 @ 11:23a

Excellent point, Adam. Sometimes the best choice is choosing nothing. It seems silly to categorize yourself by saying if I'm not X then I must be Y.

adam kraemer
8.1.02 @ 12:05p

I've always sort of seen you as "G," Russ.

In all seriousness, though, thanks. I think it's possible to question your belief system without rejecting it or even weakening it. I think that a fanatical devotion to any concept is inherently weaker than one based on constant reshaping and pragmatic inquiry.

russ carr
8.1.02 @ 12:33p

The soul is just as curious as the mind. Why keep it in a darkened room?

You can sit in a pew once a week, or kneel on your rug twice a day, or toss a virgin into the volcano once a growing season... doesn't matter. If you're not feeding your spiritual growth with how you interact with the world on a daily basis, whether you're reflecting, defending, questioning, whatever...you're stagnating. You're Truman. On a spiritual level, you will never leave your soundstage.

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 12:49p

See, the thing is that I do not expect anything from Satan. I don't have the need to. And I might as well could be an agnostic, but by being a Satanist, i have more freedom.

russ carr
8.1.02 @ 12:57p

Don't quite get that one. Freedom to do what? Freedom from what?

adam kraemer
8.1.02 @ 2:53p

And, for that matter, are you actually pledging your eternal soul to hell, or do you just not really believe at all, in which case, it's just having fun with labels?

russ carr
8.1.02 @ 3:02p

In which case we'll have to turn you over to Walker. That's his bailiwick.

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 4:09p

Freedom to do whatever I please. Freedom from the chains of religion.

No, I am not pledging my soul to hell. That's what a devil worshipper does.

I firmly believe in Satanism, otherwise, I would not defend it.

Labels are what they are, a facade. Just that.

I'm scared of Walker...I know what he can do...

erik myers
8.1.02 @ 4:20p

I don't understand.

You're looking for freedom from the chains of religion, yet you consider yourself a believer in a religion.

What's the difference between devil worshippers and Satanism of Satanism is the worship of Satan and Satan is a devil (or a fallen angel)?

adam kraemer
8.1.02 @ 4:30p

Wow, that was a horribly convoluted question, Erik. I think what my verbose friend is wondering, Daniel, is what's the difference between Satanism and Devil Worship?

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 4:30p

I meant freedom from the chains of OTHER religions.

First of all, everyone thinks that a devil worhipper and a satanist are the same. We are not. A devil worshipper "pledges his eternal soul to hell", if you may. They do nothing but worship the devil. Hence their name.

On the other hand, we satanists, believe in satanism, but do not devote our lives entirely to it. That is the biggest difference, which people do not seem to understand.

I go on about my life, I do not let Satan rule my life. If I did, Satanism would be as worthless as every other religion (which I respect, I just do not agree with their beliefs).

Evil is that which you consider to go against your beliefs. What is evil to you?

[edited]

[edited]

erik myers
8.1.02 @ 4:45p

Yes, Adam. Thank you. I'm not really sure what happened to me up there.

Daniel -- So what you're saying is that you're an agnostic?

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 4:48p

No, I am not an agnostic. What I said was that, yes, I believe in Satanism, but I don't let it run my life.

Which is different.

If I did not believe in anything, then I would be an agnostic

erik myers
8.1.02 @ 4:57p

No, that would make you an athiest.

Okay.. so a non-practising believer. Like most Catholics.

I can buy that.

russ carr
8.1.02 @ 5:17p

Why believe if not to practice? It's like buying a fridge and never putting food into it.

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 5:18p

Wait, who said I did not practice it?

I only said i did not let it run my life, which is a completely different statement.

[edited]

erik myers
8.1.02 @ 5:28p

Well, I thought you did.

It seems to me that if you're not devoting your life completely to a religion then you're not really praticing. If you believe in a religion then it's a way of life, and you do it without thinking, because you believe.

If you only buy in when it's convenient to you then you're just pretending. Putting on a good show so that others will think you're something that you're not.

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 5:32p

Which is called being a hypocrite.

Well, do you devote your entire life to your religion? My way of life is partially affected by this. not entirely.

russ carr
8.1.02 @ 5:37p

Oh. So it's like brushing your teeth once a week and calling it "practicing good oral hygiene."

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 5:50p

If you say so. But i differ. Do you pray every day? Do you go to church everyday? But still you might say you are a "good Christian" or whatever religion you are.

matt morin
8.1.02 @ 6:00p

I'm still trying to figure out what Satanists actually believe in.

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 6:05p

In a nutshell, all it is is that you can do whatever you please, as long as it doesnt hurt anyone. That we create our gods, not the other way around.

If you still dont get it, go to http://www.churchofsatan.com/home.html
that will give you the real definition.

[edited]

adam kraemer
8.1.02 @ 7:10p

Ah. We get to the actual idea.

I gotta tell you guys, though, there's levels of observation of religion. It's not all or nothing. Russ, Erik, I believe in Judaism, but I don't fully practice it - I don't keep Kosher, I don't observe the Sabbath, and I don't wear a yarmulke, for example. I don't think that makes my belief any less strong or meaningful.

daniel castro
8.1.02 @ 7:11p

Thank you, Adam.

russ carr
8.1.02 @ 7:25p

you can do whatever you please, as long as it doesnt hurt anyone.

I thought that was a Wiccan/Pagan thing.

adam kraemer
8.1.02 @ 7:42p

I thought that was a Masonic thing. Dude - Daniel is the reincarnation of Crowley. It all makes sense now. "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law."

erik myers
8.1.02 @ 11:04p

Naw, it's not a Masonic thing, either. The Masons are all about hurting people.

Adam -- okay.. you're right, I was a little severe on my definition, there. But seriously, there's a line between saying that you believe and that you practice, and then just doing whatever.

you can do whatever you please, as long as it doesnt hurt anyone.

That, to me? It's not religion. It's common sense. There's no belief structure in that, there's no worship, there's no set of rules, or morals, or even anything that it's based on, or anything. It's not a religion, it's just being a reasonable human.

As far as Daniel being Crowley? Yep. I see that. It even fits in with the whole Satanism thing.


robert melos
8.2.02 @ 2:45a

Okay, I pledged my soul to Hell when I became a Realtor. In that sense, evil to me is anyone who has me running around showing them houses and then they either buy a FSBO (For Sale By Owner) or go through another agent.

Personally I'm a Pagan. I believe in a Universal energy of which we are all a part. Too complicated to go into here, but let's just say, everyone serves a purpose.

Oh, and the Masons weren't about hurting people. That was the Mansions.

adam kraemer
8.2.02 @ 11:50a

Actually, I think you mean the Mansons. Because large houses don't always hurt people.

[edited]

daniel castro
8.2.02 @ 12:58p

Ok, let me rephrase that, I can do whatever I please, as long I do not interfere with anyone else.
And Erik, you might be right. Because that is what we are. Reasonable humans. Anyways, there is a lot to discuss about satanism, it just would take forever.

As for me being Crowley...I guess I'll take it as a compliment. Although I do not completely agree with his ideals.

"Remember kids...Charlie loves you..."



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