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love is in the air
new seasons resurrect passions
by jeffrey d. walker

Springtime. This time of the year, to me, always puts the idea of romance in my head. Perhaps it's the flowers and trees re-blooming that provokes me to think about new beginnings. Perhaps the longer sunshine during these days triggers an internal biological change, much like a grizzly bear is roused from his winter hibernation. Perhaps, although I have never sat through an entire screening of "Grease," the song "Summer Lovin'" has somehow permeated my head in ways I can't quite yet grasp.

Or maybe it is just the fact that members of the opposite sex shed their winter wardrobes for more revealing attire and it makes me horny.

Whatever the reason, it seems to me that a lot of people around me are getting involved in budding new relationships. And I am not immune to this trend. I, too, have found an interest. But I'm not here to discuss that. That would be sweet and elated. I find it more interesting to rant.

So I will.

I like to laugh at the nonsense that (unfortunately) goes along with dating. And I've decided to get some other voices in on this one (since I am not, by any means, the first to rant on this situation).

"Relationships are like bank accounts that have an unknown balance. When you're with someone, you keep withdrawing good times until your account runs out and the relationship ends. The trick is to know when your account is empty - at the exact moment that it actually is empty. If you leave too soon, it'll be like letting the bank keep your money. On the other hand, if your account runs out and you are still in the relationship, you'll bounce a check. The goal in this scheme is to find a person with a Bill Gates account." -Dave Katayama

"Relationships and sex? You have to treat that stuff like Mulder on the X-files… Trust no one!" -Stephen Lentz

"The end of a relationship is like withdrawl from a drug addiction. You get the shakes, the cold sweats, and your whole world starts spinning out of control." -Krista Witanowski

Is it profound? I don't know. But it's funny.

I think back to the days when I first took an interest in the opposite sex. I wasn't quite sure WHAT about them I liked, I just knew that I did. Who knows what motivation provokes you to "move in" on your first love interest? But I DO know is that it gets harder and harder as time goes on.

My analogy is this: When you first start dating, it's like you have a bucket of marbles in front of you. There is one marble in there that you are looking for, but you have no idea which one. So you start weeding them out… casting out those that AREN'T what you want. You get closer and closer to the right one, but you have less and less to choose from as time goes on.

And the worst part is, the older we get, the more we as individuals get set in our own nonsensical ways. My personal vices, tastes, eccentricities, biases, and disorders are everyday becoming more engrained into my being. The older I get, the more difficult it will be to find someone willing to put up with the hodgepodge of crapp collectively known as myself.
Likewise, there is less and less that I can accept in people I see. So far, I have compiled a short list of questions I pose to anyone that I might start finding some romantic interest in:

1. Are you a vegetarian?
I prefer the answer to be no on this one. I eat everything, and I also enjoy cooking. As a result of one former lover of mine who WAS a vegetarian, I did learn a few very good meatless dishes. Still, I think it is an animal instinct in me - I crave the flesh of a formerly living creature. I eat my steaks medium rare at MOST. The tension here usually is a bit too much for me.

2. Are you exceedingly religious?
This has to be no. I have no problem with the concept of a religion per se; however, I have not and will never belong to any sort of organized religious affiliation. Don't get me wrong - I have a strong sense of morality, but it is based on my belief that all people deserve to be treated fairly because life is hard enough as it is - not because my afterlife is in jeopardy. The somewhat religious usually can go for this. The really religious think I'm going to hell. It's just an irreconcilable issue.

3. Do you have any lesbian tendencies?
They say this is every guy's fantasy. Not mine. Answer here must be no.

Other than that, my only test (for lack of a better term) is that girls who have the same name as a flower are usually trouble. This is not a hard and fast rule yet, but there is mounting evidence.

And, of course, girls who look like trouble usually ARE trouble.

Damned thing about that is, sometimes they are just too much fun to pass up. One thing I know - girls with issues are attractive. Put me in a bar with one girl chain smoking in the back, dressed in all black, with a few too many ear piercings and perhaps even a tattoo, and I'll give you two to one odds that I'm going to make some attempt to hit on her.

We all have our weaknesses.

Dating is a painful, ego-crushing, awful thing. I attribute women to at least half of the reason I consume so much alcohol. But I have learned this: Although the cumulative dating life I've lead up until now has made me distrustful and jaded, I still and will continue to seek out the company of the fairer sex. I'm fully prepared to, with the right person, put my heart out there again for the chance to find the right woman that I might be able to form a happy little partnership with.

The best piece of advice I can give is this: Life isn't so much about finding exactly what you want as it is about avoiding things you can't stand. If you have one perfect ideal in your head, you'll likely be disappointed. However, if you can knock out all the qualities that you can't deal with, then you can probably have a pretty good time with what you have left.

"It's like snow. You never know how long it's going to last or how many inches you're going to get." - Anonymous female


A practicing attorney and semi-professional musician, Walker writes for his own amusement, for the sake of opinion, to garner a couple of laughs, and to perhaps provoke a question or two, but otherwise, he doesn't think it'll amount to much.

more about jeffrey d. walker


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