da prez gets down
in which the real slim shady finally stands up
by jeff wilder
President: Karl, could you come in here, please. I've got a problem that needs your help.
Karl: Yes, what is it, Mr. President?
President: My polls are going down very fast.
Karl: How fast?
President: Very fast. I think the public is unhappy with me.
Karl: The public unhappy? Well I think that's pretty understandable. After all you haven't really accomplished anything of note since entering office.
President: What should I do? You don't mean that I should actually focus on issues like the environment, finding a sensible alternative to the war on drugs, or stopping the genocide in Cuba and the Middle East, do you?
Karl: No, of course not, Mr. President! You need to find something that will get the public outraged enough to focus their attention on it instead of the other more important issues.
President: Oh. Like what?
Karl: Like...rap music, for instance.
President: Rap music? Well what is that, except a bunch of people going (makes a beat box like noise).
Karl: Oh there's a lot more to rap music than that. A lot of the music features language that we don't want the young people to hear. Even though they will hear it eventually in the school yard. I'll be right back. I have an idea.
(Karl leaves and returns later)
(The President looks at a shopping bag that Karl is carrying)
President: What do you have in there?
President: Plain or peanut?
Karl: Not M&Ms®. Eminem. Some rap guy.
President: Why would you buy a rap CD?
Karl: (Exasperated) As part of your campaign to increase your poll ratings. Now I want you to listen to this CD and I want you to then go up and tell the people how awful it is.
(President puts on headphones and listens)
President: Say, this is actually pretty good. Maybe I should come off as an Eminem fan. That would increase my popularity with the youth.
Karl: Get real, Mr. President. You're supposed to denounce the stuff. Say it's garbage.
President: But what if it isn't? What if this is all just a shameless ploy to distract the public from far more important issues?
Karl: That doesn't matter.
President: Well the public must think that we think they're really stupid.
Karl: Better than them thinking you're really stupid, even though it may be true.
(A week later)
President: (Addressing nation) My fellow Americans - it has come to my attention that there is a serious problem affecting our nation's youth. That problem is not drugs, pregnancy, or lack of education. Those are all minor issues. The most serious problem facing our teens is rap music. Most notably, some guy who takes his name from a very unhealthy snack food. This guy talks repeatedly about being a slim shady and asks everyone to please stand up. We do not want our teenagers standing up. We want them sitting down and listening to the values suggested by my buddies Pat and Jerry and those guys on the various channels that ask for your money. Rap music is associated with rebellion and we cannot allow that. So I am introducing a bill, that will hopefully become a law, making it punishable by death to market rap music to teenagers. Thank you and goodnight.
(The president gets in his car and turns to Karl)
President: How did I do?
Karl: Splendid. Now watch your poll numbers shoot up.
President: Good. Now I can relax in peace with my new CD. (Puts on headphones)
Karl: Mr President?????
President: (Rapping along) ...Won't the real slim shady please stand up, please stand up!
Jeff Wilder is a writer-filmmaker-philosopher who lives south of the south.
ABOUT JEFF WILDER
more about jeff wilder
IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
6.28.01 @ 12:31p
There's genocide in Cuba? Who knew?
7.26.01 @ 8:02p
I'm not sure the President's even smart enough to read the liner notes...