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god for president 2012
the official statement
by tracey l. kelley (@TraceyLKelley)
3.28.12
humor


Behold, voters, for I have arrived!

No longer will I allow my self-appointed press secretary Rick Santorum to speak on my behalf. Bless his soul, he often goes off with his pistol half cocked, as we say in the American South. I am afraid that greatly skews his conscious understanding of me, the Bible, the Earth, women, Christianity, education, migrant workers, the role of government, the financial sector, the separation of church and state, unemployment, renewable energy, ham and cheese sandwiches, ring-tailed lemurs, athletic socks, rally stripes on muscle cars, Etch-A-Sketches--well, you see my point.

Something is bothering me. Frankly, I hate to bring it up, but my PR firm, Holy Universal Results, gently suggested I get in front of this before Anderson Cooper. I created guidelines for you to incorporate into your spiritual essence if you so choose. These guidelines range from the 10 Commandments, which is basically a simple executive white paper; to the Bible, the ISO 9000 documentation for living a healthy Christian life. When I speak of the Bible, I mean the entire tome, not simply a host of random phrases. I should not have to remind anyone that the Bible has not a Cliff Notes version.

I gave you guidelines so you would understand that all that had been done before would not happen again if you only love. Well, love and other things. Show compassion. Raise up your neighbor, not beat him down. Display humility. Do good for the sake of it. Teach so others may know. Turn off the lights when you leave a room. I placed the wrongful deeds and lessons of others before you and said, quite clearly, that you would not need to worry about such things if you simply do as I ask.

For all that is written, there is considerable dissection to serve individual purposes. I did not ask you to be a bigot, or divisive. I did not ask you to tell people that I wanted you to do something, be it run for political office or win a Grammy award. I showed you what happens when the fury of hate and hubris destroys the Earth and all the races I created. You claim to know my work and my purpose, yet you close your eyes to the simple miracle that is every single living thing on my world.

Yes, that includes Democrats.

I do not ask you to pass judgment on my miracles, but if you claim to follow me, I challenge you to see them as I do.

I created you with a magnificent brain. You have the ability to reason. You have the capacity to assess all options before you, and make compassionate, logical decisions. I did not give this amazing acumen to the fruit fly, bless its soul. It is on one mission and one mission only. It troubles me that Rick and others like him use a political platform as a bully pulpit, and you do not see through that. You, my servant, believe there is only one True Voice, and yet you allow these others to contort and even maim my messages? If I wanted you to be a fruit fly, I would make it so.

But I digress.

Here is what I propose. If you believe (with all your faith, mind you), that I am the final judgment, why not focus on all the good you can do, and let me be the heavy on everything else? I ask you to use the intelligence I gave you to follow orderly systems to deal with true, harmful offenders. Otherwise, I release you, my humble servant, from being fearful of what you do not understand. Trust me, I can handle the rest. After all, I destroyed the dinosaurs by throwing a rock at Earth and raising the thermostat a couple of degrees.

So if I intend to rid the world of single moms, anyone who is part of the LGBT community, people who don't look like other people, women who use birth control, health care reformers, Barack Obama, scientists, banana stand operators who don't stay open past dusk, elephants that paint, off-key teenagers singing on YouTube, Twitter chats, and so on, I will most certainly strike with swift justice.

Yet, if I were a wrathful God, do you not think I would smite all of reality television? Instead, those stage players amuse me, similar to my creation of the platypus.

I know I show no humility in these matters but, I am God.

Finally, dear reader, if it upsets you that this writer took it upon herself to claim to know my intent and perspective, please show her tolerance. After all, she is not brandishing my name as a calling card for power and fortune. She is simply using the brain I gave her to rationalize the fact that when I decide to run for public office, I will not require a single mere human to tell the world for me.

Keep that in mind the next time a lowly man, not even a man dedicated to a life serving Christ, but a man blinded by his own ambition and prejudice, steps upon my foundation to raise himself.


ABOUT TRACEY L. KELLEY

Tracey likes to shake things up and then take the lid off. She also likes to keep the peace, especially in a safe, fuzzy place. Writer, editor, producer, yogini, ('cause yoger or yogor simply doesn't work) by day, rabid WordsWithFriends and DrawSomething! player by night. You can follow her on Twitter: @traceylkelley or @tkyogaforyou

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COMMENTS

adam kraemer
3.28.12 @ 10:09a

Actually, the Bible does have a Cliffs Notes version. Sorry, God.



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