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spam date
not just a canned meat product mixed with sweet, dark brown, oval fruit anymore
by katherine l (aka clevertitania) (@CleverTitania)
pop culture

Who would've thought an email, asking me if I enjoy being told what to do and having my thoughts and desires controlled, would've been such a microcosm for one of the dumbest behaviors in online dating?

And on that note, to the gentleman that inspired this piece I just want to make clear: No, I'm not offended you'd ask if I'm interested in being Sub to your Dom. If that's what you're into, more power to you. But... I am offended, and here's why.

If you copy/paste your profile into an email, and then randomly send it to women without some indication that they're into the lifestyle (because you didn't bother to read their profiles), you are basically screaming "I'm a selfish lover, an arrogant ass and not remotely interested in you, only how you can serve my needs." And I'm pretty sure that's even a no-no in the BDSM community.

Men have learned bad habits when it comes to online dating. Too many of them use the spam/scam approach of sending out tons of cookie-cutter emails hoping one gets lucky. They do this because, on most dating sites, they outnumber the women by a large margin. As such, the more 'eligible' women will ignore any email that doesn't intrigue them.

So their solution is just to spam and hope. But, as I've repeated ad nauseam, you're not going to get a woman of any substance by ignoring substance in your communications.

When I'm reading online profiles I read everything. I go through their About Me essays, their "Likes" lists, matching questions, blogs, forum posts... if it's on their dating profile I read it. And sometimes I even Google their username to see if I can find more information about them. The idea behind this is; how can I know if you and I have anything in common if I don't learn about YOU?

When you spam-date the idea behind it is; I really want you to look at my profile and learn more about ME, but I can't be bothered to learn more about you.

Why on earth would I want to go out with a guy like that? Why would anyone? I'm looking for a two-sided relationship - a natural give and take - not to be the wind beneath your wings or the bird crapping overhead.

But we've all been in at least one relationship like that; you know what I'm talking about. Every conversation comes back to them; they'll push and push to make you validate their opinions and talk over you when you're trying to explain yours; they don't bother to learn about the things you love and enjoy but they expect you to devote time to just watching them do whatever they're into; instead of exploring compromise, they can't understand why you don't see their way is better.

Being in a relationship with a person like that isn't just exhausting, demeaning and unfulfilling, it's annoying as hell. Not only do you find you're self wondering why you even spend time with this person, you find yourself wondering, "Just who the fuck do they think they are?" The self-involved people (and there are women too, make no mistake) are rarely smart/talented/educated/articulate/interesting enough to justify their arrogance and self-obsession.

And, by and large, those people are just awful in bed. You can't be a good lover and completely self-obsessed. It goes beyond paying attention to your lover's needs; people who think they're the cat's meow expect every lover they have to fulfill every sexual fantasy they'll ever experience. They're impatient with hesitancy and boundaries. They're disrespectful of emotional reactions. They really don't understand the concept of "I don't want to." To be frank; these people tend to be a half-bottle of tequila away from committing date rape.

Plus there's the fun of watching them gloat if you did enjoy any part of it; because it's not like you couldn't have been responsible for your own pleasure at all, right?

I've rarely met a person who hasn't experienced a relationship like this, even if it's the more familial or platonic type. No one talks wistfully about those relationships. Rarely do they miss them, if they are fortunate enough to have escaped. No one goes around asking for another round of life like that. Maybe if you were a masochist...

So I ask you; if you're not a guy like that, why would you want to imply otherwise in your introductory communication?? Shouldn't the first contact you have with a woman establish - up front - that you're as interested in who she is as telling her who you are?

Would you show up to a first date wearing grungy clothes and looking like crap? Would you show up 30 minutes late and forget her name? Would you spend the entire date on your cell phone or texting with someone else? Well, when you spam-date, you're basically doing the equivalent of one of those.

It seems common sense to me, but in the age of the internet, dueling banjos in Congress and the 24-hour news cycle, common sense is becoming a weird grey blob of "Heh?"

Send personal emails. Read what's provided, don't just look at pictures. If you want quality responses you have to send quality communications. And that applies if you're looking for the love of your life or a friend for a night. The more you personalize and show genuine interest, the more likely you'll get a response. Plus, you'll be one less guy to irritate the crap out of her today.


When I grow up, I want to be; whoever Joss Whedon wants to be, when he grows up. I am a writer because it's the first thing I want to do when I wake up in the morning; aside from eating and using the lavatory of course. My work includes screenplays, short stories, film/TV/music reviews and socio-political commentary. The last one is a fancy way of saying I like to shoot my mouth off on many topics. I excel at using $1.50 words. They gone up, thanks to inflation. Isn't our economy awesome?

more about katherine l (aka clevertitania)


super fans!
they're people too
by katherine l (aka clevertitania)
topic: pop culture
published: 3.30.11

agree to disagree
why is that so hard?
by katherine l (aka clevertitania)
topic: pop culture
published: 8.27.10


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