You're terrible. Everything you know is wrong. And possibly also evil, but definitely stupid. You take the world way too seriously. What you care about is trivial and superficial.
You believe everything you hear and read except those things which are true and unbiased. In fact, you blindly accept as fact a whole bunch of lies and propaganda generated by sources who have in mind only the best interests of the worst kind of people.
Now as for me, let's get one thing perfectly clear. I'm right. My principles are driven by higher intellectual thinking, a greater capacity for empathy for my fellow man, and the kind of wisdom that can only be learned from a lifetime of experiences and circumstances that you could not possibly have understood or withstood.
I can't fathom why you act the way you do, and since I don't get it, I will judge it. Harshly. With extreme prejudice. Wait. Not prejudice. Let's make that extreme righteousness.
You're going to need to face the fact that you don't make sense. You're not even close. And it's not because of the validity of your argument. That's just a smokescreen for your complete lack of capacity to recognize that what's wrong with you is latent, passive, part of your makeup.
See, it's not even your fault. You're just a dupe. But I'll hold it against you just the same.
This is also why you're so shocked by my point of view. It has nothing to do with its tone or whether or not it was requested or even welcome. It's about time someone finally got into your face and let you know exactly what you are.
And speaking of welcome, that's a whole other matter altogether, because not only is my way of thinking right, it is necessary. My argument needs, nay, BEGS to be made on Facebook, on Twitter, in blog posts, in protests, at rallies, with my vote, my bumper sticker, my T-shirt, and last but certainly not least every comment section of every online property.
Relevancy, brevity, grammar, and decency? Yeah, maybe you need those if you've got something to hide.
Yes, I'm going to piss you off, but you deserve to be pissed off. You and your ilk have had it coming for a while. Besides, the only people I care about, the people I respect and talk to, the people who deserve my time have all made it abundantly clear that they walk, talk, and think exactly like me.
And if they haven't stated as much in so many words, I will assume it.
You'll see. When I open my mouth to set you straight in the right room filled with the right people gathered for the right reason, my words will be met with kudos, hear-hears, and if I have command of the room due to some reason that may or may not be remotely connected to what I have to say, I will be applauded.
And I will determine, rightly so, that those who agree with me are not a sampling, not a cross-section, not a special interest, but an exact microcosm of everyone.
Everyone who counts, anyway.
I will shout you down. I will vote you out. I will repeat my talking points. I will say things I'm not sure are true. I will lie. I will smug you back to the stone age.
And you'll realize that your side of the story doesn't matter. You'll see that your expertise and understanding and learning and research and your opinions aren't even valid, let alone persuasive.
I don't have to consider your point because your point doesn't merit consideration.
You are Hitler.
And I win.
Joe Procopio trades in pop culture and tech culture, allowing him to poke fun at so many things. He's written for a number of online and offline publications from the late, lamented Smug to the fancy-pants Chicago Tribune and also for television. He's a novelist, a shredder, a joker, and a family man. Scoff at joeprocopio.com or follow on Twitter @jproco.
ABOUT JOE PROCOPIO
more about joe procopio
IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
4.1.11 @ 7:21a
Genius. From now on, I'm going to post a link to this whenever I get into an online argument that gets out of control.
4.1.11 @ 9:55a
Brilliant. Sadly, the people it applies to won't get it.
4.2.11 @ 8:45a
I'm not shocked by your point of view,because I never take things seriously ,I never watch TV and never listen to news, Thank X I have myself to produce my own informations.Anyway that was a pleasant joke...
katherine (aka clevertitania)
4.13.11 @ 9:24a
You forgot to mention how "You" use big words to make yourself feel better, as opposed to the specificity that more complicated words bring to a conversation.
I'm w/Dawn... gotta save this for later.
4.13.11 @ 9:31a
katherine, your facetiousness just facilitates my perogative (sic).