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this one goes up to '11
we need that extra push over the cliff
by russ carr (@DocOrlando70)
12.29.10
news

FACT: The United Nations has designated 2011 the International Year of Forests and the International Year of Chemistry. What's that mean to you? It means it's time to grab that stash of Sudafed and head out to our scenic national parks to cook up some meth among the evergreens!

Hey, folks - 2011 is nearly upon us. Time for a mental enema, a brain scrub to wipe out the last excruciating memories of a year - nay, a decade! - that redefined absurdity and reaffirmed my faith that DEVO was right: we're pinheads now!

Trouble is, history's a lot like Moore's Law, with each successive year eclipsing the last. With that in mind, 2011's already shaping up to be bizarre on a truly astonishing level. (At this rate, 2012 may bring extinction-level stupidity, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.)

Fortunately, a sneak peek at the next six months is just a double-tap on my iPod away, thanks to this awesome, just-outta-beta Nostradamus* app. Let's peer ahead, shall we?

JANUARY: Welcome to the economic hangover. In the last three weeks of 2010, Congress got more done, and America stimulated the economy more than the entire 49 preceding weeks combined. Between the incoming freshman senators and congressmen, and the collective sticker shock at all those credit card bills coming due, nothing of consequence is going to happen. Sensing a lull, Sarah Palin announces that she is running for President.

FEBRUARY: Steve Jobs debuts the next iteration of the iPad. Users now will be able to navigate using the iPad's front-side camera to track eye movements using an iOS feature called iBlink. Microsoft chairman Steve Ballmer, having just unveiled his company's first digital pad - complete with serial port! - rampages across Tokyo for three days before being driven into the sea. The week after the Super Bowl, Brett Favre announces he is retiring from the NFL. Sensing a lull, Sarah Palin announces that she is ending her candidacy and will instead start training for the Vikings' QB slot.

MARCH: Having gone an unprecedented five months since its last natural disaster, Haiti is subjected to a plague of locusts. In California, the first recorded traffic accident between two Nissan Leaf electric cars occurs; witnesses report that immediately after the collision, the cars derezzed, killing both drivers. Sensing a lull, Sarah Palin tosses her hat back in the ring, stirring the electorate with her promise that "You can't die like that in a gas-burning car!" (Environmental activists note that while the deaths were unfortunate, the accident was a zero-emission event.)

APRIL: Forward progress of the national high-speed intercity rail program grinds to a halt as federal funds are rejected on the state level. Railfan and Vice President Joe Biden, exercising a rare display of authority over the Senate, manages to direct the entire $8 billion pledged by President Obama into developing Amtrak's route between Washington, DC and Wilmington, Delaware. The nearly 800% increase in funding promises to accelerate the line's renovation like...well, like a high speed train. Engineers believe that with the available funds and the offer of lucrative construction jobs, the line could be finished in months, not years. In related news, C-SPAN is hit with record fines by the FCC for airing Biden's gleeful-but-expletive-laden press conference live and uncensored.

MAY: American pop culture is left reeling, after both Playboy founder Hugh Hefner (sex) and Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards (drugs, rock 'n' roll) die within 24 hours of each other. Unironically, televangelist Pat Robertson dies two days later. Representatives from Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church announce their intention to protest at all three funerals. In response, a phalanx of bluesmen and bunnies, led by none other than Rev. Billy Graham himself, face down the WBC zealots at all three memorial services, drowning out the protestors with soulful choruses of "Amazing Grace" and "Get Off of My Cloud."

JUNE: Weeks of torrential rains, coupled with already saturated ground from spring thaws, lead to substantial flooding in the upper Mississippi River valley, and devastate millions of acres of cropland. On a suggesion from Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar, President Obama commissions an Army Corps of Engineers feasibility study on creating a permanent inland sea that would stretch from Minneapolis in the north to the Missouri state line, and as far west as Omaha. Already-damp Iowans are irate at the implications, but welcome Army surveyors with warmth and hospitality nonetheless. Realizing she spent April and May out of the public eye, Sarah Palin vows to allow exploratory oil drilling in the Sea of Iowa, should it come to that.



This, folks, is our future - and it's all entirely feasible, am I right?!

Be here in 180 days, when we'll tally up just how close our all-seeing app was to scoring 6-for-6 (no wagering, please) on the first half of 2011, as well as taking a look at some stunning predictions for the second half of the first year of the next decade.

*Nostradamus app is a joint venture between Intrepid Media, Weekly World News and the estate of Jeane Dixon. No liability for potential futures, parallel universes, bat boy sightings or irregular-shaped vegetables is expressed or implied. There is no fate but what we make.


ABOUT RUSS CARR

If the media is the eye on the world, Russ Carr is the finger in that eye. Tune in each month to see him dispersing the smoke and smashing the mirrors of modern mass communication. The world lost Russ on 2/7/12, but he lives on.

more about russ carr

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COMMENTS

juli mccarthy
12.29.10 @ 12:30p

I am most concerned about your predictions for May. I don't do Dead Pools, but your three picks there seem perfectly plausible.

tracey kelley
1.3.11 @ 7:17a

I agree. That's the one to watch.



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