I have an announcement to make.
I'm happy to tell you all that last month, I became the proud father of a healthy baby boy. 8 lbs, 2 oz. 10 fingers. 10 toes. His mother and I named him Naphtali.
Okay, I'm lying. But I'm feeling left out.
Apparently, there was a lot of sex going on last October (you know who you are). I'm pretty sure it had something to do with my birthday. For those of you who haven't figured it out, sex in October leads to babies in July. For those of you who really haven't figured it out, sex leads to babies.
Which leads to babies needing names. Or, more to the point, babies' parents needing to come up with names.
(As a relevant aside, my mom's obstetrician named my brother. In 1977, upon announcing that my mom was pregnant, he further added that the baby would be a boy and he would be named "Brett Andrew." My parents' response: "Thanks. We'll keep that in mind," which is a civil way of saying, "Sure, why don't you name our kid? We definitely couldn't have handled that job. Feel like picking out the wallpaper in his room while you're at it?"
After frustrating months of hounding the "baby name" muse, my mom called the doctor and, having verified that he didn’t actually know a "Brett Andrew," took possession of the name and extracted a promise that he’d never use it again. Brett Andrew Kraemer was born in January of 1978.)
The thing is, naming stuff is a lot harder than it should be. To quote Alistair Reid and Ben Shan's Ounce Dice Trice: It is most important to be a good namer, since it falls to all of us at some time or other to name anything from a canary to a castle, and since names generally have to last a long time.
See that? Most important. If you're not a good namer, don't even think about being on Alistair Reid's Christmas list, I'm telling you.
I mean of course naming a child isn't easy. For starters, you don't necessarily want to give him or her the same name as everyone else (I have, at best, a vague idea of the number of Jennifers and Heathers I've kissed over the years, no offense to any of them reading this. Of course I remember you). But, at the same time, you don't want it to be so different that your kid suffers a complex for it. This is especially a problem among progeny of celebrities, for some reason.
I'm sure Pilot Inspektor Lee's first day of school contained no angst whatsoever.
Those of you who find this trend as potentially damaging as I do, will be happy to know that there are a few countries with laws regarding baby names, and though the U.S. isn't one of them, at least child services was called in the Pennsylvania case of Adolf Hitler Campbell and his sisters JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Himmler Jeannie.
Gotta love Pennsylvania.
So, no. I'm not one of those people who had to come up with a name to inscribe on a birth certificate last month. (My brother and sister-in-law on July 14th welcomed their second daughter, Aria, which I've been telling people is Yiddish for "the Shizznit." Not a single person has believed me.) But what I find myself doing this month is having to come up with a name for a Twitter account.
Yes, I'm aware they're not really remotely related. It's like the difference between having to hit a walk-off home run and having to hit the button for your floor on the elevator. However, again taking my lead from the articulate Mr. Reid, it is still most important.
And I can't for the life of me come up with one. I haven't had this much trouble since trying to come up with names for the band I played with in Boston. For our first gig, we were "Friends of Dave," since apparently the drummer had a lot of people coming out to see us, and for our second gig, I believe we were "Clutch Cargo," which was our bassist's sister's nickname in high school, for a reason that was never explained. We never played a third gig.
In high school, I was in "Raw Sierra," which had a total of one rehearsal and never played again. In 9th grade, I tried to get my fellow bandmates on board with "For No Apparent Reason," which not a single one of them liked, for no apparent reason. My brother was in a band which, during brainstorming sessions, was nearly "Kick That Barking Dog," "Zits On My Back," and, my favorite, "Throw Something At The Drummer." Every now and then, I'll overhear a phrase and think it will make a good name for a band, but then promptly forget it. I should start saving notes on my phone.
Which brings me back to the task at hand. It was recently pointed out to the staff at Intrepid Media that Twitter would be an excellent site through which to build a larger readership, and that it makes sense for all of us to have Twitter accounts. It was then pointed out that I was one of two who didn't already have a Twitter account. It's not that I'm against it, per se, it's that I'm afraid I'll be posting ("tweeting") all the time with such a forum readily available.
I've reconciled myself, though, to the fact that I could conceivably build up a following with a personal Twitter account. However, since I'm apparently the only person who didn't join the site last year, I'm finding my options limited, name-wise ("MadamImAdam" is definitely taken).
So here's my pitch: help me come up with a Twitter name. Most of my close friends have been concentrating on the fact that I "hang left," so to speak (thank you, Luke, for "HalfsackOption"). I'm personally trying to come up with a play-on-words on "Kraemer," but "NonDairy," too, is already taken. For those of you of a more literal bent, "AKraemer," has been scooped up, as well.
My name is in your hands.
A native of Elkins Park, PA, Adam Kraemer spends way too much of his time repeating "K-R-A-E..." He moved to New York City in 1998 and earned Master's in Journalism at NYU; don't let his writing fool you. He feels he is best known for saying the things no one is thinking, but afterwards wish they had been. He spends his free time wondering where all his free time goes and why he can never come up with a decent kicker for the ends of his articles.
ABOUT ADAM KRAEMER
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
8.9.10 @ 8:26a
katherine (aka clevertitania)
8.9.10 @ 9:24a
Instead of literary, how about cinematic... "KraemerVsKraemer"
Plus, it sounds mildly schizophrenic, which has worked wonderfully for Stephen Fry's online life.
And...Note to all: On the kid naming thing, pay attention to common names. I named my son after my dad. Really wish I hadn't. There are too damned many Michael's in the country.
8.9.10 @ 10:42a
A shorter name takes up fewer of your 140 characters, but still, hard to go wrong with @adamkraemer.
8.9.10 @ 11:09a
8.9.10 @ 11:17a
@kachunkthuck, which of course, has nothing to do with anything, but we need to keep his memory alive.
8.9.10 @ 11:22a
That's actually my favorite one so far, though a real inside joke. And I think it's spelled Kathunkchuck.
His memory lives on in the stars.
8.9.10 @ 1:14p
and then there's "akaliaskraemer"
8.9.10 @ 2:30p
8.9.10 @ 4:13p
Totally @adamkraemer. You are who you are, after all.
8.9.10 @ 4:49p
Sadly, that's already been taken.
8.11.10 @ 10:11a
How do you folks feel about "JewishWry"?
8.16.10 @ 11:43p
For the record, it's currently DryWryBred.
That could change if I decide that decisions like this, made at quarter to midnight (totally sober, mind you), tend to suck.