you could be sookie, or lafayette
the astrological guide to true blood's season 2
by alex b
Face it. You're a "True Blood" junkie. You want a Fangtasia T-shirt. You've taken a dive into Charlaine Harris's writing, even though you don't actually read. What you really want to know is if the new Tru-Blood drink will be worth serving at your viewing parties. Especially with vodka. Plenty of vodka.
But, what really makes you a "True Blood" devotee is how well you know the crazy little backwater that is Bon Temps. You've already picked which vampire you'd like relations and a bite mark from (Eric). And, you're (dead) certain that you're Sookie. Better yet, Lafayette.
Or, are you?
Now that "True Blood" has gone well into season two, it's accumulated enough characters to have its own little zodiac going on. Chances are, you fit right in. (Go on. Read about yourself. That's the only reason why you're reading this.)
Aries- You are a firecracker. At any age, you're a young, fresh soul who wants to go have fun and have it now, and the hell on anybody who tries to tell you different or get in your way. You'd just let 'em know in no uncertain terms that they suck. Or that their world is falling apart. But as long as you look cute and generally get your way, you never stay mad.
Your True Blood Sign: Jessica.
Taurus- Oh, oh, oh. Butter does not melt in your mouth easily, and stubborn could be carved across your forehead. But, even though nobody can make you budge or pull wool over your eyes, you are loyal. Once someone is your friend, you'll always stick with 'em. Especially since you don't have too many friends. Social skills are not your forte when you're cranky. But, all that aside, you've got a deeply sensual and downright erotic side. You know how to get down with somebody. You just have crappy luck in finding someone to put up with your prickly ass.
Your True Blood Sign: Tara.
Gemini- Oooh. You can be one cold motherfucker. But, that isn't your signature. Your calling card lies in how your mind operates at quicksilver speed and like a whole bunch of pokers burning in different fireplaces at the same time. People don't really know where you stand or just what your agenda is, but that doesn't matter. You attract people precisely because they're dying to know if you have a heart somewhere in you, even if it doesn't seem to beat much. You have one, but you never share it. Still, people occasionally get to you. And when they do, you're about as useful as a jar of spilled jelly beans.
Your True Blood Sign: Eric.
Cancer- Unmistakably nice with your own little bouncy, golly-gee factor going on, your vibe is sweet, adorable, and somewhat naive. That said, you don't scare very easily; in fact, if anybody makes the mistake of picking on little old you, they cop an earful. Especially because you take everything personally and can hold on to memories like some yahoo in a pumpkin patch with a security blanket. You also, of course, possess an eerie intuition. It makes you formidable. And bait. (Ever wonder why you get picked on?)
Your True Blood Sign: Sookie.
Leo- Oh, sugar. You are the most flashy, flamboyant Miss Thang Bon Temps has ever seen. You don't give a dayum about weird looks from all them trashy hookers, you just know you're where it's at- especially for the bad little vices people love to do on their own and never wanna talk about in the light of day. Sure, you've got your hush-hush action going on, but you never give your game away. And you're not about to reform. Unless you're caught. And when you are, it's bad. But, lucky for you, comeuppances never stick. That is, until the next one.
Your True Blood Sign: Lafayette.
Virgo- Oh, boo hoo. Yes, you take yourself seriously. You value your humanity. Propriety. Coloring in the lines and keeping your crayons sharp. You've got a premature case of Old Folks Fussy, and you don't know what the word fun means, most likely because you've always been a social benchwarmer. You see yourself as a noble, deep, and decent human being, one the world doesn't make like it used to. But, the rest of the world just wishes you would loosen up. Like, now.
Your True Blood Sign: Bill.
Libra- You cruise through the world with the ease of somebody who has never, ever been denied a shot of getting naughty (and occasionally nasty). Your grin also gets you to places you would otherwise never know because you're not the sharpest tool in the shed- not that you actually notice. Though most people don't catch on because of your good, charming nature, you've also had flings as often as you've had to change your sheets because you can't quite stand being alone. Still, even though you're a bigger attention hooker than Aphrodite holding a Fire Sale for her favors, you genuinely care about being a good person. But, hey. Look. Someone cute is looking at you. (Sure, you'll be right back.)
Your True Blood Sign: Jason.
Scorpio- Ooooh. An old soul that knows the secrets of the deep, you smolder out sexy just by breathing. And doing bad, bad things just comes naturally to you. You can go from mischief to malice with just one twitch of your nose, and also pack a mean mystical juju swipe if your claws are out. You hold grudges, but you're so far ahead of everyone that nobody catches on to what you're really after. That is, until you break and rip a few hearts for the hell of it. But, one thing is certain: a few little orgies do wonders for your complexion.
Your True Blood Sign: Maryann.
Sagittarius- Mmmmhmmm. You are one piece of good-looking something-something that just about anybody in their right mind would like to take a bite out of. But, you don't work your looks like a fat stripper desperate for a dollar. You're easy-going, good-humored, and the kind that knows how to mask a whole past full of trouble with a blindingly gorgeous smile. You're also a little too easily manipulated. So you're kind of a patsy. But nobody really notices when your shirt's off.
Your True Blood Sign: "Eggs".
Capricorn- Oh dear. You're another one on the serious train. You thrive on hard work and nobody can ever question your ethics. But, you are frequently misunderstood because you have the general charm of a Bloomberg ticker tape. Where you basically mean well and care about getting your facts right, your personality is also tactless and pushy. You make the right points often at the wrong time. You don't always play well with others; people usually wish you'd act a little nicer. But, you're not a mean person. You just need people to just shut up and listen to you, dammit.
Your True Blood Sign: Andy Bellefleur.
Aquarius- You are known to everybody as kind, decent, and rolling on the protective side of things. You likewise have a unique mind that can think out of the box, away from a jam, and down somebody else's pants with creativity. You are an audacious, original thinker, and no other sign- not even a highly stoned and tripping Gemini- can come close. But, you also have a mysterious air about you. Nobody but you knows exactly who you are, and you're perfectly fine with keeping people at a distance. You're also a little unpredictable; at any given moment, you might stand fast or turn tail to run. Or, you can change. As in, really change.
Your True Blood Sign: Sam.
Pisces- You are an old soul, one that's older than Jesus and the ultimate symbol of a peaceful warrior. Just as Pisces is considered to be the combination of all the preceding signs in the zodiac, you seem to go about things with an accumulated serene wisdom from all your years of existence. Sure, you've got a dreamlike, gentle vibe. But woe to anybody who tries crossing you, because you can put 'em down easily. You just choose to look like you're lost in your own mental shopping mall. (And, most times, you are.)
Your True Blood Sign: Godric.
An expert in coloring outside the lines while reading between them, Alex B has a head for business, bod for sin, and weakness for ice cream during all seasons. Apart from watching Bravo marathons and enjoying haute bites here and there, she writes about TV, pop culture, and coloring outside even more lines. She sneaks Tweets via @lexistential.
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
8.17.09 @ 3:52p
Man, did you nail me as a sagittarian! :-) Fun column. And yes, I'm hooked. I'd keep HBO just for True Blood.
8.17.09 @ 5:17p
Thanks, Dirk! After a friend introduced me to the show (which we watched on DVD straight through a weekend), I purposely got HBO again. I've bought into this world hook, line, and sinker. I can't wait to see how it all plays out!
8.18.09 @ 9:20a
That did it! I'm now definitely going to adopt you whether you like it or not.
8.18.09 @ 7:08p
Ha! It's because you're a Taurus, huh?
8.19.09 @ 1:05a
Wow! So accurate. You staked me as a Gemini.
8.19.09 @ 11:22a
Mmmmhmm. Robert, you're the astrological equivalent of ADHD, but always a good time!
8.20.09 @ 8:31a
Actually, I'm a Gemini!!!
8.20.09 @ 6:38p
Haha! In that case, adopt me!