an interview with Regina Phalange as captured by katherine l
The world was stunned yesterday, when Yahweh announced plans to retire to Palm Beach. In an exclusive interview, Yahweh (who also goes under the names God, The Father, Holy One, etc) explains that this decision has been a long time coming.
R: So you said you've been considering this retirement for many years. Why now?
Y: Well, I considered it back around the '50s, but even then the kids werent really ready. I hinted a few times, and there were tons of threats to hold their breath until they turned blue. I just couldn't scrape everyone off then. But things are different now. People are finally figuring things out for themselves. Some people still insist on using my exact written instructions for living, but most people realize they've got the basics in their head. Plus, I got an amazing deal on a condo.
R: So you really never intended for the Bbible to become a permanent fixture in the lives of your children?
Y: When you go out of town for a few days, and leave a note of instructions for your kids, do you expect them to keep using that note to guide the rest of their lives? I don't think so.
R: So then why did you write this huge book at all?
Y: OK, first of all, I didn't write the whole thing. In point of fact, only 4 of the so-called Ten Commandments were written in stone, so to speak. Don't kill, screw around on your significant other, steal or lie. Those are the only ones I absolutely forbade. Technically, I did throw in that idol worshipping one as a PS, but only to prevent reality TV shows. You see how well that worked. And I did threaten some serious retribution if anyone spray painted bad puns about me on the mountains again, but someone turned that into a whole I'm-the-one-and-only-God thing. Just proves the point that the kids needed some rules back then.
R: What about Honor Thy Mother and Father?
Y: That was some smartasses idea of a joke, when I told him to stop sassing me. Honestly, I've met a lot of mothers and fathers who don't deserve much honor. You really think I'm punishing the Lohan kids for not honoring their screwed up parents? I'm not that big of a prick.
R: And the whole coveting...
Y: People do like to think I'm scouring their brain for more bad behavior, don't they? Don't drool after something another person has? Have you seen the new iPhone?! Next thing people will honestly believe that lust is a sin.
R: People do actually.
Y: Not smart people. Am I right?
(The interview paused briefly while The Father insisted I give him a knuckle bump)
R: So why did you write the parts you created of the bible?
Y: You're not going to capitalize that word, are you?
R: What word; bible?
R: Shouldn't I?
Y: Is the name of the book Bible?
R: Um, no, I guess it isn't.
Y: Nuff said.
R: Point taken.
Y: Lets face it, there was a time you were all pretty stupid and juvenile. You were running around like idiots, just following every prehistoric impulse still left in you. It was like Land of the Id out there. My job, as a parent, is to look out for you. I was trying to set some boundaries, until you were old enough to think for yourselves. I was doing my duty. I just didn't think youd use it like a crutch, to run the world for the rest of your lives.
R: I see. So what kind of reaction are you getting, now that you've announced your retirement?
Y: There's been a lot of pissing and moaning about what they are going to do if something new comes up, that they've never faced before. I've had a lot of requests for my cell number, in case of emergencies. I tried hard not to laugh at that.
R: Are you leaving any kind of emergency contact information?
Y: Nope. I'm not even telling people my Twitter handle. It's not enough I'm leaving the kids the house, they want to call me when the garbage disposal clogs up? I don't think so. It's not like I had the Internet, nuclear proliferation or stem cell research already in mind when I wrote the book. I've done the best I can to redirect them when they were confused. I even made a few more gay animals to make my point; but they don't listen. They're big boys and girls now, let them figure it out for themselves.
R: So what are you going to do with all your free time?
Y: First I'm catching up on my television shows. Do you know I've only ever seen one episode of Firefly?! It's insane. For years everyone's thanked me for helping them create brilliant entertainment, and I never have time to enjoy it myself. From now on it's all about Me time.
Follow Up: A few days after this interview was published, Yahweh did announce plans to attend 2009's ComicCon, but insists it's just to see the Chuck and V panels. There will be no autograph signing arranged, but inside sources do say the Supreme Being will be attending in costume, as one of the Winchester brothers.
When I grow up, I want to be; whoever Joss Whedon wants to be, when he grows up. I am a writer because it's the first thing I want to do when I wake up in the morning; aside from eating and using the lavatory of course. My work includes screenplays, short stories, film/TV/music reviews and socio-political commentary. The last one is a fancy way of saying I like to shoot my mouth off on many topics. I excel at using $1.50 words. They gone up, thanks to inflation. Isn't our economy awesome?
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