(Alarm goes off, and Tracey Kelley hits the snooze button for seven minutes.)
SOMEONE SIMILAR TO ELISABETH HASSLEBECK: The fact that Tracey won’t get out of bed immediately when the alarm goes off is an example of her lackadaisical attitude.
SOMEONE SIMILAR TO JOHN KING: I wouldn’t say lackadaisical, necessarily, but it doesn’t show initiative.
SOME MYSTERIOUS PROFESSOR REFERRED TO AS PUN 3: I think by waking up gradually to a slightly progressive music station, she’s wrapping up her final dream sequence in time with the music until she reaches full consciousness.
EH: Notice how her snooze is set for seven minutes: not 10, or five, but seven. It’s not what I would do, having uneven time like that, but, whatever.
JK: Again, we can’t be sure that snooze button time is deliberate, but it she hits it again, we’ll know there’s no initiative at play here.
PUN 3: She’s going to get up, and she’s going to get up with purpose.
(Alarm buzzes again. Tracey sits up, scratches her tummy, rises, and shuffles into the bathroom.)
EH: She goes to the bathroom as soon as she gets up! She doesn’t bother to check her face in the mirror, or brush her teeth. She goes to the bathroom first!
JK: I would think most people do that, Elisabeth, but it does seem out of character for her to turn on the main bathroom light, and not the shower light. The shower light is softer -- it’s almost as if she wants the full-on glare of the main bathroom light to send her brain a message.
PUN 3: I think it’s perfectly within character for Tracey to turn on the main bathroom light. It’s time to get moving, shed some light on the day’s events.
EH: Whatever! I still think immediately sitting down and taking care of personal business is a selfish, almost terrorist, act.
JK: Well, it doesn’t seem to be in anyone’s best interests to hold back.
(Tracey starts a yoga routine.)
EH: Of COURSE she would have to do yoga. How typical of Tracey to go against the fundamental Christian fitness programs in favor of a Middle Eastern religious diatribe of “poses” and “breathing”.
JK: Now, it's important to clarify that yoga is not a religion, by technical definition. I also don’t think it's Middle Eastern, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
PUN 3: The origin of yoga is India, and the practice enhances spirituality through a mind, body, and soul connection. There are many benefits.
EH: You CANNOT practice religion with the body! It’s not natural!
JK: I think what Tracey’s trying to do here is simply exercise a little bit and move on with the day.
EH: Well, you just go on thinking that. There’s another agenda here that no one wants to admit to. And don’t you (points finger at PUN 3) tell me there’s nothing sinister about yoga, because simply doing that down-doggie-style thingme is against the word of God!
PUN 3: I -- I -- I really have no response to that.
(After dressing for work, Tracey eats a bowl of hot Grape Nuts with rice milk, blueberries, and a sprinkle of stevia.)
EH: Apparently regular sugar isn’t good enough for Tracey. This is truly a slap in the face of the American people. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with white granulated sugar.
PUN 3: I don’t think it matters which sweetener she chooses -- it looks like a nice, healthy meal.
JK: Oh, I don’t know about that, PUN 3. I mean, who eats Grape Nuts? It’s like pouring pebbles in a bowl. And rice milk? Last time I checked, you can’t milk rice.
PUN 3: You have to soak them first.
EH: The rice grains? You have to soak the rice grains first? Whatever!
PUN 3: The Grape Nuts, Elisabeth. The Grape Nuts. If you let the liquid soften the cereal, it’s much easier to eat.
EH: I agree with John. Who eats Grape Nuts? Nutty yoga religion people, that’s who.
(Tracey drives to work.)
PUN 3: Again, she’s selecting music that makes the commute, however short, move much more quickly. It’s obvious that Tracey uses music to add to her motivation.
JK: I think it depends on the commute itself, PUN 3. Let’s go to the board.
Now (opens four windows on the board) -- if it’s the 7:45 bottleneck, and Tracey can’t move from the right lane (sweeps hands) to the left lane, she usually accelerates and bumpers the vehicle ahead of her, and then (closes one window on the board, opens another) -- zags over to the left lane when the right lane traffic splits. But (reduces big board, opens smaller window) -- if she’s on the 7:15 timetable, she has a pretty clear shot without changing lanes, unless she hits this light (sweeps hands) -- or this curve. (closes board)
EH: We were talking about music, John! What does the traffic pattern have to do with the fact that Tracey is probably listening to some 80s hair band, likely British, with lyrics suitable for the intelligence level of 13-year-old boys? Some sugar song! Not stevia! Sugar!
PUN 3: I think I read that Tracey is listening to the new Benjamin Taylor disc lately. She wants to like him for him, and not because of who his parents are.
(Tracey works through the day.)
JK: She’s easily distracted today. Her concentration is fractured. But, she collaborates well with others, and it’s that style of information gathering that will be helpful on future projects.
EH: Tracey talks too much! Always talking! So much talking! Just like Joy Behar!
PUN 3: I agree that today, she’s less focused than usual. But she’ll be back at the helm tomorrow.
EH: You are so transparent. Obviously, you are a FOT.
JK and PUN 3: FOT?
EH: Friend of Tracey’s! It’s a symptom of the sickness that plagues the liberal agenda.
JK: Listen, we get paid to provide our observations and perspectives, regardless of the necessity. Is there a true reason for all this microscopic analysis? God, no. But we do it with pride and diligence, and certainly never intend to side with one position or the other.
EH: FOT. FOT-FOT-FOT.
(Tracey drives home, kisses her husband hello, and makes dinner. After a quiet evening, she prepares for bed.)
PUN 3: I’d like to wrap up our scrutiny of Tracey's activities by stating that as far as a regular day goes, I think everything progressed nicely. This means Tracey has every opportunity to have the same type of day tomorrow. Possibly even better.
JK: I agree, PUN 3. Let’s take it to the board.
(sweeps hands) She woke up and started her day in a timely manner, for the most part. (opens window) She made an effort to exercise, and eat right. The soup and salad at lunch was a real plus, but there was (opens another window) -- just a little too much chocolate at 3:22 p.m. We’ll have to keep a closer eye on that tomorrow. (sweeps hands) Over here, we noticed she needed to socialize more during her workday than normal, but her commute home was less aggressive. (closes all windows) Overall, I’d say that if she just pays attention to a couple of key factors, she has a good chance at a regular day tomorrow.
EH: She’s going to end her day by reading literary fiction? That’s just typical! And it looks like -- yes, it’s a book by a non-American author! WHATEVER!
PUN 3: Oh, blessed deity on a bicycle, just shut UP already.
EH: No, YOU shut up! Who asked you to be on this panel anyway? I mean, seriously, it barely takes more than a trained ferret to --
Tracey likes to shake things up and then take the lid off. She also likes to keep the peace, especially in a safe, fuzzy place. Writer, editor, producer, yogini, ('cause yoger or yogor simply doesn't work) by day, rabid WordsWithFriends and DrawSomething! player by night. You can follow her on Twitter: @traceylkelley or @tkyogaforyou
ABOUT TRACEY L. KELLEY
more about tracey l. kelley
IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
11.26.08 @ 8:14a
That's why I love my iPod; it doesn't judge me.
11.26.08 @ 9:07a
EH: You CANNOT practice religion with the body! It’s not natural!
SHE's not natural. Has anyone noticed that this election saddled us with TWO addlepated high-profile women?
Excellent job, Tracey. And thank you for not including "Someone Similar to Pat Buchanan on the panel--I don't think I could have stomached an EH AND a PB at the same time!!!
11.26.08 @ 1:41p
Funny stuff! I'm trying to visualise who Pun3 is in your head. Which you think would be easy to do since I also have a snooze alarm set for seven minutes (that I seem to be unable to change) and I also like grapenuts. Perhaps a good Hannitizing of my life is in order?
11.26.08 @ 3:35p
Since I've more or less quit watching The View because I dislike listening to Elizabeth, I really enjoyed her part of this cute ingenious bit.
Now if we could just all take turns breaking Ann Coulter's jaw, all might be well with the world. Not that I'd ever seriously suggest any such thing. Not me. Oh no.