rage against the machine ii
look out for number...17?
by dan gonzalez
4 years ago, on this fine bastion of intellectual creativity we call Intrepid Media, I urged any and all readers not to vote.
As it turns out, I was wrong. It's not that my logic was that bad, every four years we get stuck with a pair of douche bags and forced into a no-win 'lesser of two evils' decision. Moreover, we do in fact, have to do this over and over again, the political equivalent of the punishment handed out to Sisyphus.
And it's certainly not that my sentiment was bad, because my only concern is you, the ordinary worker and reader, and not any of the parasitic assholes that make their living off politics or any of our other numerous but profitable dysfunctions. I love all of you deeply, and wish painful deaths upon all of those who willingly prey upon the likes of us.
But I was nonetheless wrong, because the vast majority of readers still really like to vote, they get something out of it, and in fact believe in it to such a degree that discouraging it offended them. And they let me know it. I personally hate discouraging people more than any other single thing.
So this year, I'm going the other way and saying VOTE YOUR ASS OFF. Literally, vote until both of your buns fall right off.
But let's don't just vote once, and let's don't just vote twice, let's all vote as many times as we can get away with.
My personal plan is to vote for all 35 homeless people that are currently living at my house. So what if some of their names are Squeaky Fromme and John Bonham? It's a coincidence, prove to me they don't live here!!
As the great Democrat Mayor Daley the First of Chicago once said, VOTE EARLY AND VOTE OFTEN, and whether or not my personal tenants have names that match the entire Manson Family roster, or that of the Dead Rock Star Softball Team from Heavan, is my business, not the Ohio Secretary of State's.
Every vote that I can possibly cast should count. If it works for Obama and the scum-sucking bottom feeders at ACORN, it might as well work for the rest of us.
However, because we, gentle reader, are more intelligent than either Obama or the ACORN mud-daubers that swarm around Him, we realize that we will not benefit from mindlessly casting our votes for a single candidate that we irrationally and myopically believe can cure all of our ills. We are smart enough to commit voter fraud in such a way that all of the fictional tenants of our particular slice of space/time can and will get a legitimate vote.
Without further adieu, here is what I plan to do with all the votes that Acorn has successfully argued should count on my behalf, being that I do suffer from multiple-personality disorder, and knowing that it would be discriminatory to one or more of the inhabitants of my head to have his his OR HER vote suppressed.
MY INNER TODDLER: This part of me never spit the tit out, is always colicky, and therefore votes for Barack Obama.
MY INNER ROCK-STAR: This part never put down the monster bong and therefore votes for Bob Barr to legalize grass.
MY INNER DON QUIXOTE: Charges all windmills and laughs at detractors, votes for Barack Obama.
MY INNER WARRIOR: Charges all actual enemies, laughs at detractors, and votes for John McCain.
MY INNER ANIMAL LOVER: Charges all chicks that look like Sarah Palin, fails to note the shotgun, gets shot before actually voting.
MY INNER PHILOSOPHER: Uses deductive and inductive reasoning to determine that he is pretty well fucked either way, but will get fucked harder if the Bush tax cuts lapse, and therefore votes for McCain.
MY INNER POET: Uses catharsis and his experience of beauty to determine that he is pretty well fucked either way, but will get fucked harder if taxes don't rise, and we can't obtain new energy sources without vandalizing our shorelines. This guy votes for Obama.
MY INNER HETEROSEXUAL MALE: Loves chicks that look like Sarah Palin and will illegally write Sarah in for President, thereby invalidating his own vote.
MY INNER LESBIAN: See above.
MY INNER DEMOCRAT: Committed suicide in 1991 but would vote for Obama if alive today. (Note: currently exploring absentee options.)
MY INNER REPUBLICAN: Still waiting to be born, but would vote for McCain because Obama has a well-documented history of voting to kill unborn things, including would-be Republicans. (Note: currently exploring absentee options.)
MY INNER CONSUMER: Obviously votes for Ralph Nader.
MY INNER PRODUCER: Obviously votes for McCain.
MY INNER COMMUNIST: Approaches the poll, realizes the hypocrisy, walks away and calls the Politburo to complain about having to make complex choices for oneself and then asks exactly where the bread line is.
MY INNER ANARCHIST: Doesn't realize it was even election day until Wednesday when the X finally wears off.
MY INNER LIBERTARIAN: Doesn't actually vote, just sits there and weeps at the poll.
MY INNER PATRIOT: See above.
I could go on and on, but you get the point.
Like I said, this time, vote your ass off. Vote like it's the World Series of Voting. Vote for the Fence. Vote like it's the last time you'll ever get to vote again.
Because you won't get a chance like this next year.
Or the year after.
Or even the year after that.
The fact is, you're not going to get a chance to vote like this for another four years, and you might be completely different people by then.
Maybe it's you, maybe it's Dan. Things aren't quite the way they should be. And now it seems Dan's peace of mind has come up for the bidding, and those that he respects and trusts must all have been just kidding. Dan's little world has lost control, but still it keeps on spinnin'...
ABOUT DAN GONZALEZ
more about dan gonzalez
IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
11.4.08 @ 9:41a
"Vote like it's the last time you'll ever get to vote again."
Because if you don't, one day, it might be.
11.4.08 @ 1:03p
You make me laugh, Gonzo.
11.5.08 @ 12:28a
That flatters me, Juli, and I will always try to oblige, because laughs are priceless, yet seem to be getting sparse these days.
I see Russ up there commenting as well, and that makes me smile.
You intrepidites may think I'm lying or making nice when I say this, but I do love you and nothing makes me happier than thinking something I wrote may actually have helped crack a smile on any one of your faces.
I read too much when I was young, but one thing I read convincingly argued that 99% of all honest communication happened, not in the head of the artist, or transmitter, but in the head of the receiver.
Yeah, I thought that was fucking bullshit too. No idea what that guy based his bullshit on at all.
11.18.08 @ 6:49a
All of my inner people voted for Obama. All my cars have been named Rosinante. I'm driving Rosie XVI right now.