Michael Jordan once said "Republicans buy shoes too." Allow me to add "Democrats don't want to eat babies either."
Election day is upon us. Tomorrow, we'll all go out and cast one or more votes one way or the other. As a public service to you, I am proud to offer a comprehensive and inside look at how the other side sees your side by making public the transcript of my sit-down interview with a representative from each. On the right, Chazz Q. Inheritance XIII, leader of the Conservative Republicans Against Progress wing of the Republican party and noted mistress enthusiast. On the left, Venusbeam Dewdrop Gonzales-Smith-González, founder of Womyn Against Women Against Womyn and ChairHuman of the Democratic splinter group Don't Tax Everyone, Just You.
Me: Thank you both for your time, your continued commitment to destroying the fabric of our society, and of course, the fantastic homebaked treats you both brought along.
Venusbeam: My pleasure. And thank you for having me, and by "having me" I mean "exploiting my humanity to serve the disgusting purpose of scoring a few more hits on your evil corporate website."
Chazz: Wait, this is for the Internets? I wasn't aware of that. Are you part of the liberal media?
Me: I do my best to keep my personal views personal, which is exactly what I'm hoping to get across in this interview.
Venusbeam: So you're Canadian.
Me: I am not.
Chazz: Your hair is not hippie long, yet is also not a crewcut. Explain.
Me: This isn't about me. This is about the election, or rather, the buildup to the election, which I have found distasteful and scary, as well as filled with propaganda and misinformation in equal amounts from both sides, and I'd like to call both of you out as the perpetrators.
Venusbeam: Well, obviously, you don't understand the life-or-death nature of this election. Electing John McLame will give us four more years of George Bush, which itself was really just an extension of the Reagan/Bush years, those being a return to the Nixon administration, whose policies were just a holdover from the Spanish Inquisition. Millions tortured and dead, some on spikes. But if that's what you want...
Chazz: Which I'm sure you'll take over the USSR of A.
Me: The what?
Chazz: You know. Commies. I'm trying out some new material. Did that not stick?
Me: Oh, the socialism thing. Just say "socialism" next time.
Venusbeam: See, there you go. We're not five minutes into this interview and they're playing the race card.
Me: Socialism is not a race.
Chazz: Thank you, Joe. Now, if I may play the race card for a minute here, do we really want Flavor Flav as Secretary of the Treasury? Because that's what's going to happen. You're going to wake up one day and BOOM, there's Colin Powell eating potato pancakes with Vladmir "KGB" Putin.
Me: Wait... he was actually Secretary of State under -
Venusbeam: If I may get a word in edgewise, can we talk about policy for a second?
Venusbeam: If we take a definitive look at Barack's voting record as compared to McStain's, it quickly becomes evident that Michelle Obama never once spent $150,000 on clothes.
Chazz: Yet John Kerry spent $44,000 on makeup and $3.2 million on private windsurfing lessons.
Venusbeam: This isn't about John Kerry and George Bush. Wake up. It's 2008. This is about Barack Obama and George Bush.
Chazz: You know what, I'm glad you brought up William Ayers, because I believe the American people will have their doubts about a guy who shares the other half of a secret BFF necklace with a known terrorist.
Venusbeam: Joe, it's a documented fact that there is no such person as William Ayers, and while we're on the subject, how come Fox News hasn't run a single story on John McBush's weekend camping trips with Satan? Not one mention. It's sad. And racist.
Me: I'm actually kind of shocked the public doesn't have the same sense to reject the media's playing up of Sarah Palin's wardrobe.
Venusbeam: Well, that's because Sarah Paleolithic has had the gall to have gotten to where she is without ever filing a sexual discrimination lawsuit or renouncing God. This, as I'm sure you're aware, disqualifies her as a woman.
Chazz: SARAH PALIN IS A BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS WHO CAN DO NO WRONG! Plus she's hot.
Me: I thought Palin was a brilliant choice for McCain, based on the fact that she's the conservative that he isn't, and if Republicans are going to win, they're going to win on conservative philosophy while Democrats tend to win by appearing to aim towards the center.
Venusbeam: There you go. You said it yourself. Democrats win because they're for normal people, while Repugnants are for racists and rich people.
Me: I said nothing of the sort.
Venusbeam: It's OK, you don't understand what you just said. Look, if John McJerkface were for the common man, would so many of our beautiful and wise celebrities be rooting for Obama?
Chazz: The election is not a popularity contest. It's about the fact that Obama would surrender to terrorists, raise the tax rate on the middle class to 102%, require quotas for illegal immigrants on your favorite NFL team, and legalize same species marriage by carving an amendment into Washington's forehead on Mount Rushmore.
Venusbeam: Of course the election is a popularity contest. All we have to do is look back to our high school days when all those brainless, airheaded, easily swayed sheep that made fun of us every day elected the most beautiful, popular, and charming people class president. Now is our chance to turn the tables! Now it's our turn to elect the most beautiful, popular, and charming person in the world as President of the United States.
Chazz: Look, this is very simple. Obama was a community organizer, which has something to do with selling magazines door to door. John McCain single-handedly won the Vietnam war. If we elect Obama, we'll all be speaking Chinese by 2012.
Venusbeam: You're just trying to scare the American people, who, I might add, are sort of slow and very easily scared, especially in the Midwest and parts of Pennsylvania. China is a medium-sized country with very little green technology and almost no sex education at the kindergarten level - how can they be a threat? I'm not sure I want John McVeryoldguywhoisalsoedgy with his finger on the button.
Chazz: Speaking of foreign affairs, did you know that Obama's middle name is (looks around to see if there are any black people within earshot - I haven't the foggiest idea why) Hussein?
Venusbeam: Ha! OK. Now we see the true colors of the Reprehensible party - resorting to name-calling when the facts don't go their way.
Me: Actually, I'm quite thrilled that you both have avoided a single fact this entire interview. Kudos!
Venusbeam: Chazz is just upset that Obama can give wonderful speeches in front of expensive scenery. He's got zazz!
Chazz: I'm upset that all he does is give wonderful speeches in front of expensive scenery. Why did he accept McCain's proposal for a series of 37 nightly, prime-time town hall debates in Arizona and then chicken out?
Venusbeam: He didn't chicken out. He chickened up.
Chazz: Fine! How about just one town hall style debate then?
Me: He did. The second debate. Your guy got clocked.
Chazz: Wait a minute. I don't get this. Are you voting for McCain or Obama?
Venusbeam: Yeah. I'm starting to get a little skeptical here. Are you intelligent or backwoods?
Chazz: Bootstrap or handout?
Venusbeam: Present or past?
Chazz: Thinker or sucker?
Me: You know what I am? I'm done. I'm going to go vote and then I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Then I'm going to hope that whoever wins has the sense to do things right and I won't have to hear another word about politics until the next election cycle. Meaning I hope you two will disappear for four years.
Venusbeam: Are you kidding? I'm booked on Olberman Wednesday night.
Chazz: For real? I'm doing Hannity Wednesday night!
Venusbeam: No kidding. You want to grab a bite before?
Chazz: Absolutely. The usual place?
Joe Procopio trades in pop culture and tech culture, allowing him to poke fun at so many things. He's written for a number of online and offline publications from the late, lamented Smug to the fancy-pants Chicago Tribune and also for television. He's a novelist, a shredder, a joker, and a family man. Scoff at joeprocopio.com or follow on Twitter @jproco.
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
11.3.08 @ 8:16a
Ron Paul '08!
dr. jay gross
11.3.08 @ 8:19a
Why is politics so difficult when the choices are easy? All you have to do is dig through the camel dung and crawl through the 'sands of time'......you'll eventually reach the conclusion that the best choice would have been Tim Russert...sadly he's not available.
11.6.08 @ 12:06p
I liked Chris Rock's advice - vote for the guy with the fewest houses.