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primary season! wabbit season? duck season?
politics will only become more complicated in the future
by robert a. melos

The older I get the more interested I am in politics and the process that goes into choosing our leaders. The political pundits can’t agree on what makes a good leader, nor can any one group seem to settle on what they really want from a candidate. Show emotion, don’t show emotion, spend lots of money, don’t spend any money, attack, be nice.

As the media pummels us with Hillary, Barack, John, John, Mike, Rudy and Mitt we get to hear about tears, maybe of laughter or joy, or just of exhaustion, and we get to hear about race and sex. I know we won’t see it in our lifetimes, but imagine what politics will be like when race and sex issues are replaced by the issues of species?

That’s right. Imagine what the political arena would be like if Hillary were a cocker spaniel instead of a human being. She would win hands down. Bitch jokes aside, she’d be cute and that’s all it would take to sway the vote. The same could be said of Barack if he were a Labrador. If Huckabee were a furry little tabby he could purr all he wants about immigration while Hillary Cocker barked about healthcare reform. No one would be listening to a thing they had to say, they would just be cute and furry and win the “aw!!!!!” vote.

Of course in this science fiction future where animals have finally earned the right to be respected as equal to their human counterparts, not only would the cute dogs and cats be running for office. Mutt Romney might be a well groomed Afghan hound, And Rudy the Bull Dog Giuliani would always pull down more votes than the human version of himself, but they would also be running against other animals.

Chicks and ducks and geese would all scurry to vote for their Wilber or Mr. Ed, making the voting process, especially in caucus states, even more complicated (not to mention messy in the voting booths). Then there would be the ugly implications of those southern fried chicken criminals who might want to eat a candidate.

There would still be other issues and some animals would have the less-than-cute factor to overcome. Snakes and rats would have to cope with the stigma surrounding the preconceived notions of their species. And of course there would be the age restriction. Let’s face it, it’s a fact of life that even if we went with the popular theory of dogs aging seven years for every one human year Fido McCain and Rin Tin Thompson would have both gone on to that great dog run in the sky.

Imagine what congress would be like. Granted if politicians could lick their own balls not a lot of legislation would get done, but pages and interns might not get sexually harassed as much. On the other hand they might be replaced by groomers.

Politics will only continue to become more complicated as time goes on. Wait until the first off-worlder wants to run for an Earth office. That person, whether he or she or it be humanoid or furry or scaly, will face the same prejudice Arnold Schwarzenegger faces when he ponders running for president.

Whatever the case, someday, in a distant future, we very well may have a President Fluffy and Vice President Mr. Mittens. I only wonder will they do any worse job of it than their human counterparts have done in the present?


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


put the blame on hussein*
a parody of a perennial favorite
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 3.6.03

post apocalyptic letdown
life after 6-06-06
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 6.7.06


lucy lediaev
1.11.08 @ 7:48p

Great column, Robert. It gave me a good laugh on a long, boring Friday afternoon. Frankly, I think my two Siamese cats, Boris and Natasha, have more brains and a lot more political savvy than many of the people who hold office in this country. Also, they rarely offend anyone, except for the occasional cat-allergic or -phobic individual. Instead, they charm almost everyone they meet.

robert melos
1.11.08 @ 10:29p

Ah, the cunningness of the cat. Definitely Secretary of State qualities. Still gotta worry about squirrelly Ron Paul.

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