i'm not too old for santa claus
ticking off the things i really want for christmas
by alex b
Hey. Santa. It's my turn today.
Quit looking so shocked. I don't care if you think I'm too damn old for this. You see, I have a bone to pick with your jolly old ass. I do my best not to behave like Veruca Salt on speed and am heroically Mother Teresa nice when it's more justified to kick someone with cleats and laugh. But, in spite of my efforts, you just don't listen.
In my chunky, pimply adolescent years, you let my mom give me underwear only Will Ferrell could look sexy in. As a twenty-something, you didn't pay attention to my repeated desire for a computer, Game Boy, or a CD player. These days at thirty-two, you still let my mom give me grandma underwear—with Disney characters.
This. Stops. NOW.
So, ignore your slaving, brown-nosing shorties in green and the mountainload of misspelt letters from Jimmy, Tommy, Susie, and Jamie-Lynn from Buttholeston, Red State USA. Put off the Missus with her spiked eggnog specially designed to make you go "Oh, oh, OH." She can wait till next year. Chop-CHOP. Let's pay attention to ME.
You want me to sit in your lap? Fine, you dirty old bastard, I will. (You'd better feel like just a Lazyboy).
Here goes everything:
1. A new corset.
A replacement in black or red would rock. You see, my drag boy Monty tried mine on and busted the bottom two clasps while vogueing. I super-glued them back on, but wearing it no longer has an elegant Parisian vibe. I feel like I'm driving a Ford Escort.
2. A David Morgan bullwhip.
Last year, my friend John gave me my first David Morgan, a black, four-foot signal whip used for dogsledding. He understood that I love the feeling of a nice long piece of leather hide in my hand. But now, I need one of the big boys: a bullwhip a la Indiana Jones. All for sport cracking, of course. An eight-foot bullwhip would be fabulous. (So would an additional six-foot stock whip.)
3. A favorable outcome for striking WGA writers.
For the love of God, let writers make a bigger piece of the entertainment revenue pie, and give 'em a decent share of the gold mine known as syndication. Without television writers like David Chase, Ron Leavitt and Michael Moye, and Joss Whedon, we would never have met Tony Soprano, Al Bundy, or Buffy Summers, but gotten stuck with nothing but "American Gladiators." And without their staff writers in turn, it's a scenario worse than The Nightmare Before Christmas. Please take care of this, because if I don't find out what happens on the next episode of "Desperate Housewives" pretty soon, I'm gonna paint Rudolph's nose BLACK.
4a. A third season of "Heroes" that doesn't blow.
Please, please restore the first-season awesomeness of my favorite TV show. No more disparate run-for-border/stuck-in-ancient-history storylines, more H.R.G.—Claire time, more heavyweights like Christopher Eccleston, George Takei (yes!) and Malcolm McDowell. Oh, and more clues about Mama Petrelli's power, because my boy Rudy and I have too many Trekkie-esque geekeriffic conversations trying to figure it out. I don't even mind waiting for next year to get this. (So while I'm waiting, I'll take hanging out with both Milo Ventimiglia and Adrian Pasdar at the same time.)
4b. More "Heroes" goodies.
Since I'm in love with this show, I actually cracked like a wannabe Jedi with an inflatable saber and bought a Hiro Battles T-Rex T-shirt. But in the meantime, I'm also in love with the graphic novel with Alex Ross cover art, along with this Tim Sale comic-square T-shirt.
4c. More comic book goodies.
In case the two previous items didn't clue you into how much of a comic book geek I am, anything Jeph Loeb writes and Tim Sale draws is a pretty good start. Jeff Smith's eighth "Ghost Circles" volume in his Bone series would also rock, along with Rumiko Takahashi's "Ranma 1/2" DVDs and "Mermaid" series. If it's animated, involves mutant powers, and is gorgeously drawn from DC with darker psychological undertones, chances are I will like it. (But X-Men these days? Pffffffft.)
5. A Scrabble Dictionary.
That way Miss Stupid-Dumb-Smart Jen knows that "wheedle" is a perfectly fine seven-letter word to drop on the board, and my boy Spiro can also make more than "bat", "cat", and "axe." (My other friend Peggy also makes up words while we hit Boggle, so that'll keep her in check, too.)
6. A set of silk thermal underwear.
You were nice enough to convince the Brazilian store in my 'hood to have a discount sale on string bikinis, but now that New York is already freezing, I can't use that. Silk thermals please, and FedEx those bitches fast.
7. A decent financial stability- for my parents.
At the ages of 60, both of my folks have started over because my dad's construction business went belly-up, and they are once again living paycheck-to-paycheck. I hate the thought that they can't retire. If you don't get around to sorting them out or make me a gazillionaire for kicks, help me figure out a way I can fix this.
8. A cure for AIDS.
This one's going to take you awhile since you've got a whole lot of people on your hands, but whatever you can do would be fantastic for my longtime friend Paul*, who was diagnosed with full-blown AIDS two months ago. Let his blood cell numbers work out for the better. (As for me, I don't need a T-shirt. I just want to stay aware.)
9. A Presidential campaign with Oprah Winfrey.
Let the most powerful black woman in this country show everyone that a minority and a woman has a fighting chance for the White House. Our politicians don't have to be an assorted collection of Kennedy wannabes; these days, two of our Governors ain't got time for pain. So, make Oprah run for President. Give all the starchy people in Brooks Brothers a nice good scare, and the rest of us an alternative from the next generation of Halliburton hustlers. (You have the next few years. Make. It. HAPPEN.)
10. A higher salary for public school teachers.
Not that they oughta make as much as Nicolas Cage did for National Treasure Hunt... well, never mind, they DO. So work on it.
11. A permanent Vatican subsidy for poor families.
If the Pope and Co. keep the pews filled by forbidding contraceptives, then the least they can do is help out with a poor family's fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh child. Especially with their college educations. (C'mon. The Italians don't need another fancy incense burner.)
12. A permanent ban on crappy celebrity Christmas albums.
While Sarah McLachlan's "Wintersong" was a gorgeous release of actual music, the rest of holiday fare just plain sucks. Please, no more power-ballad carols; Jessica Simpson tortures me enough as it is. And quit giving non-musical, nauseatingly wholesome celebrities like Rachel Ray $13.99 opportunities to stack the shelves at Wal-Mart with collections of their Christmas favorites—nobody cares. If Britney ever records something holiday-related just so she can pay off her new mortgage, K-Fed, and for any other accidents she conceives out of her mind, I may go postal.
13. A cap on Z-grade TV, but more reality contests.
Stop granting wannabe celebrities reality shows just for the hell of it; even though I'm ridiculously addicted to "I Love New York", a third season really isn't that necessary. Give me more shows like "Project Runway" and "Top Chef"— programs where industry gods put driven competitors through their paces with innovative contests on the way to the prize. That way, I can at least rationalize that I'm (kind of) learning something useful. (Please convince the Bravo gods to retool "Top Design", because Todd Oldham's spoken elocution is worse than New York's. But don't bring back "The Apprentice.")
14. A night at Le Bernardin.
I'm curious about high-end food, and have thought about checking out "Top Chef" winner Harold Dieterle's Perilla and molecular gastronomist Wylie Dufresne's wd-50. But neither of them compare to Eric Ripert's Le Bernardin. I have no idea what three Michelin stars tastes like, and I'd like to find out why Chef Ripert is the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the culinary world through his tasting menu. (And while you're at it, you can also fly out "Top Chef" runner-up Dale as my dinner partner. He's adorable.)
15. A cue stick of my very own.
Playing professional pool would kick ass. Especially against "Black Widow" Jeanette Lee. But I'd especially like one so I can develop one-tenth of the skill Efren "Bata" Reyes has, and then kick my boy Phil's ass prison-style in eight ball twelve times in a row.
16. A Macbook Pro.
As we know, I don't do Vista. Those Macbooks are hot.
17. A M.A.C. gift certificate.
As my girl Juanita knows from every single time I've ever borrowed her face, I'm a M.A.C. fiend. Estee Lauder can keep oh-so-serious Gwyneth Paltrow; M.A.C. is the only cosmetic brand that has ever successfully run me over enough to pay retail price because they hire fun, ballsy chicks like Missy Elliott, Eve, and Dita von Teese for their Viva Glam line, and they were the one of the first makeup companies to carry colors that made yellow-toned me look good instead of jaundiced. (M.A.C., I'm yours for life.)
18. A Global chef's knife.
According to Anthony Bourdain in "Kitchen Confidential", Global's chef's knife is the shit, and I would like something great to handle as I invent new stuff on the fly and teach myself to cook every day. But if you hear about any other good things for this fledgling kitchen monkey to use, I'm all ears.
19. A new Christmas holiday- with twelve days.
Not only because we actually have a song for it, but all the Jewish kids I know get more loot during Hanukkah, and it ain't dreidels. Seriously. Make believing in J.C. and the Twelve aside from you a little more materially lucrative. (We can take it up with the Pope in the manger. And I'll back you all the way.)
Oh, and last but not least:
20. A really, really nice date-worthy guy.
I'm done with taken idiots who try to make me into the go-to girl for cheatin', and no longer have any patience for commitment-phobic dudes who employ ambiguous legalese straight out a Clinton press conference as an "Art of War" tactic. I suggest you get cracking on this one, not only because Valentine's Day is around the corner, but I refuse to sing "Fuck and Run" ever again. (And I'm running low on batteries.)
So there. With a couple exceptions, you have up to December 24th to fulfill the items on my list. If you need my assistance in telling any pestering snotball whining for a Wii to shut up, I'll give 'em the smacking you're dying to throw out. For free.
Oh, and the soy milk and gluten-free Snackwells by the tree are for you, too.
An expert in coloring outside the lines while reading between them, Alex B has a head for business, bod for sin, and weakness for ice cream during all seasons. Apart from watching Bravo marathons and enjoying haute bites here and there, she writes about TV, pop culture, and coloring outside even more lines. She sneaks Tweets via @lexistential.
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
12.14.07 @ 2:02a
I hope all your xmas wishes come true... except #9. UGHHHHH. I hate that woman so much, it makes my A** twitch.
12.14.07 @ 9:15a
You're so cute. "I want a bullwhip AND a Vatican subsidy for poor people, dammit!"
Sorry to hear about your parents, tho. All the best to them.
12.14.07 @ 10:58a
I fully support #12.
Just wanted to say that.
12.14.07 @ 12:35p
Reem, thanks for the visual about your ass twitch (heh, and Happy Friday back at you, too). Oprah is Oprah, but I'll take her over what we've currently got now.
Jason, thank you for supporting #12. I hate "special" Christmas releases (and pop-style carols) so much that it makes MY ass twitch.
Tracey, I want a Vatican subsidy for poor families, a bullwhip AND comic books. I can't leave out the comix. (& thanks for the nod re: my folks... they're doing good, and I'm thankful they are even though shit's happened).
12.14.07 @ 1:11p
I got you something that's not on your list but I think you want regardless. It's not a David Morgan bullwhip but it can be very effective in deterring the guys referenced in #20. Miss you!
12.14.07 @ 1:31p
Jeph Loeb, I've decided, is ONLY good when the Tim Sale aura is in effect. And X-Men these days (well, the past month or two) are as good as they've ever been.
I trust, tho, that you preempted Santa for the final bound Justice, yes?
And yes, please make Alex a gazillionaire.
12.14.07 @ 1:45p
a) I think you'd look awesome in a pair of Snow White granny panties.
b) Don't knock all Christmas recordings until you check out "Twisted Christmas." There's nothing quite like hearing Dee Snider sing Come All Ye Faithful. Actually, hearing him sing We're Not Gonna Take it is pretty close, since he admitted to stealing the melody, but still.
c) Funny thing about "Heroes" - I graduated with Sendhil Ramamurthy. I can't say I remember seeing him once.
d) I will kick your ass in Scrabble. And WordRacer.
e) If you haven't eaten at Trattoria L'Incontro (corner of 31st and Ditmars), you've missed out on one of the top 4 Zagat-rated Italian restaurants in the city.
f) Nice Liz Phair reference.
12.14.07 @ 2:09p
Spence- anything from you is always given with thought and grace, and there's a 113% chance I'll like it.
Russ- anything Loeb/Sale is pretty much on my bookshelf, from "The Long Halloween" and subsequent Batbooks, "Superman For All Seasons", and "Daredevil: Yellow". (And yes, I totally pre-empted Santa for "Justice." It rocked, and friends have already raided me for it).
And Kraemer, since you itemized, I have to as well:
a) Snow White grannies might be hot, but my Winnie the Pooh ones are not.
b) Funny Christmas recordings are acceptable, but I don't need Celine Dion-in-Vegas-full-throttle "Silent Night" (unless I'm torturing someone).
c) Sendhil Ramamurthy is a hottie to several women and gay men I know. I guess he was that memorable, huh?
d) You're welcome to remotely try hauling my ass or Jen's at Scrabble. We're lethal. (Dunno what WordRacer is, and I'll give that a shot).
e) I HAVE had dinner at L'Incontro, and my God, I've had 3 four-course dinners there... each time, I've walked out stuffed silly. Among the things I loved were Australian sea bass with pesto sauce and a pistachio creme brulee. (HEAVEN).
f) I can feel it in my bones, but I don't want to spend another year alone. (Thanks).
12.14.07 @ 2:13p
Why you pickin' on Jamie-Lynn?
12.14.07 @ 2:50p
HAH! Ken, I wasn't thinking Meadow. I was thinking this Jamie-Lynn. (Remember when her sibling was this wholesome?)
12.17.07 @ 1:05p
You are definitley the MAC queen (and I mean both facially and technologically speaking). I hope when Santa stops by your place, he'll hop over to mine real quick. i got a bone to pick with him big time!
12.17.07 @ 3:25p
Oh Oh Oh, I want number 20 too!!!
12.18.07 @ 2:35a
Number 20 is like the unicorn, a myth. If it ever existed it was very elusive and is probably extinct today.
12.21.07 @ 10:49p
Loved 1 & 2 can I get a tazer for my kindergarteners?
#4 needs life support STAT!
6 - get thee to Land's End (yes I'm from WI - so WE KNOW COLD!)
9 Would you give up making all that $ to run? Oprah is no fool
10 - Bless you because in another dimension we are revered as GODS!
14 Give me CJ!!!!!!!
18 - Cutco - the whole block
12.24.07 @ 9:48p
Apologies for my delayed response to your comments (since I'm packing my house up as I type), but here goes:
Juanita, I know you've got a bone to pick with Santa, but think positive. If he gives you a "Boston Sucks" T-shirt, will you forgive him?
Miss Pixie and Robert- I reckon #20 is out there. If the Loch Ness monster and the Abominable Snowman exist, I figure #20 does too- probably not in my Lamborghini-level Christian Bale fantasies, but hopefully not in the body of Cheech Marin either!
12.24.07 @ 9:55p
Hi Beth! Welcome to Intrepid! For your kindergarteners, I recommend this little doohickey that looks like a tennis racket, but carries an electrical charge. Since it works for killing flies, it might get your kids to slow down if you give 'em a light smack on the rear with a buzz! (If not, resort to bribery).
As for the rest of your comments:
4- This past season blew chunks till the end, and I have vague hopes for the grand return of the badass nature of season 1. (And, thanks to my friend John, I now own Season 1 on DVD! Yay!)
6- I do need to get my heinie to a Land's End. In the meantime, I'm going to wear everything I own to protect my tropical ass from blizzards.
9- Thanks to syndication, Oprah probably isn't going to stop raking in bucks even if she stopped doing the show. She can afford to run and shake up D.C. (A better question is if she's willing to put up with all the bureaucratic wheeling and dealing- I'm not sure I would have patience for that).
10- Though I'm not a teacher, I tutored middle-school/high-school kids in math and English for 3+ years, and know many teachers. You guys are heroes, and I still remember the folks who illuminated my education. As far as I'm concerned, you guys totally deserve more money.
14- You can have CJ in all his stooping, one-nut glory. I'll take a night of drinking, dancing, and boy-shopping with Dale!
18- Thanks for the tip! I'll check it out!
Rock on! Merry Intrepid Christmas!
12.24.07 @ 10:02p
And holy bejeezus, Spence- I can't believe I'm about to type this sentence, but thank you for sending me a katana! Woo!