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viva el odio
giving you your money's worth unlike imus
by dan gonzalez
4.25.07
humor

Apparantly these days, hatred, our oldest vocation if not profession, seems to be the cash cow of political and media futures markets. Even minute, puerile little doses of it have marathon legs and inestimable market value. I'm a big believer in making my head-butts count, if I may borrow that phrase, so I've chosen to invest here with an almost unlimited reserve of the most potent currency of the day. If I left anyone out, I apologize in advance. Please trust me, I hate you just as much as anyone I specifically mentioned!

I hate African-Americans. There, I said it, and it is very refreshing to get it out there. I also hate Jewish-Americans. I'm not ashamed of my hatred either, like all of you modern-day school-kids in this languid, post-boomer world. I actually embrace it, cultivate it, and then indiscriminately dispense it, like some Bizarro Mr. Rosewater*.

As an example, for no good reason, I hate Gay-Americans. And Asian-Americans, those picky, industrious little humps are too good at math. And Haitian-Americans, as well as Hawaiian-Americans. (Natives of Hawaii are not as cool as they act on tv, trust me, they are some vicious pricks when it gets right down to it.)

Don't get me wrong, I truly and fully embrace diversity, it's a beautiful concept, particularly as far as universal bigotry goes. I know it's opened up entirely new arenas for me.

Take religious bigotry for a change-up to the now garden-variety ethnic bile. Christian-Americans are some of the most retarded assholes you can meet. You know what I'm talking about. And Muslim-Americans are right there with 'em. And not to pick on Hebrew-Americans again, but, let's face it, they're a religion and a race rolled up into convenient little human pinatas. They're a Two-fer! That chosen-people/promised-land shit is priceless.

Even before the myopic hysteria about the Imus utterance, which was but a minor diversion the myopic hysteria about the 'Climate Crisis' or whatever the cause celebe du jour is, I hated you. ALL OF YOU. You're not just nappy-headed ho's to me, you are the pits of the world.

And don't get me started on Spics, Latin-Americans, or whatever the hell you're calling us these days. I hate me some tomato-pickers, we are not good people, we're teaming across the border, ferried by our own filth, siphoning away your almighty dollars to our third-world dictators' bank accounts. We'd be over-crowding your prisons if you'd ever bother to arrest us, but we're happy to abuse your emergency rooms in the mean time. How is it even possible, that we Hispanic rats have mutinied and are now sailing your once precious ship? We take siestas every day. That's right, we're conquering you between naps!

How indeed? Because we have one thing you thoroughly lack. A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

Somewhere between your histrionics about cigar-toting presidents and your histrionics about routinely fired US Attorneys, you truly lost it. Don't get me wrong, I hate us as much as any other group, but I'm on the winning side here. We are easily mortgaging your freedom because A)You're wiling to give it away, and B)We don't have shit-else to call our own.

We're taking over and you're sitting back and watching it. Half of you are rooting for us! And we're right. You all suck. You have over-inflated senses of personal entitlement. It doesn't matter if your Gay-American, Italian-American, Armenian-American, PETA-American, or random opinionated, column-writing Asshole-American. You revel in yourselves and your guilt so much you coddle your self-appointed victims to your own undoing.

Think about your approach to old-school minorities for a rational second:

You divide everyone up into arbitrary PC groups and then apologize to them and kiss their collective asses. Although degenerates and mindless sheep are worse for your society than even us spics, you pardon the vicious, the despicable, and the indolent along-side the deserving just because they fall into the same protected group! You flushed your own kids' education in the philosophical toilet to make everyone feel more comfortable with themselves, while simultaneously turning pedophiles free so they can RAPE AND KILL those same children AGAIN, because once just wasn't enough!

You wanted the poor, the tired, and the huddled masses, and now you got 'em all. And you're making the good ones pay for fear of putting the bad ones in their place and making them feel bad.

But now there's new huddled masses in town, and we got rolling r's. ARIBA! And we are color-blind. We don't care about your federally defined groups. We hate everybody way more than we hate ourselves, and that's the key to our success.

You're done. There's over 20 million of us, who never suffered for your country but who are poised to become instant victims as soon as your Congress says 'Amnesty'. Half of us are only your maids and grounds-keepers, but half of us are already your in-laws. And we'd all like to thank you in advance for paving our way and paying for our retirements and health care without even ASKING us to learn English!

You could have listened to Jefferson, instead you chose Jackson. You could have listened to Teddy Roosevelt, instead you chose Eleanor Roosevelt. You SHOULD have listened to Malcolm X, but instead you chose MLK and you gave him a day. And now you're beholding to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson!

You are gonna pay for this, and you will keep paying until every last one of your descendants has at least one Z in their surnames.

A long time ago, you knew what it was to really be oppressed. Back then, John Trenchard and Thomas Gorden inspired Thomas Paine to articulate the philosophy that justified your fight. John Adams was just John Hancock's lawyer, and he went to plead a simple, poignant case in a court of law. Some of your forbears threw a fortune of tea into Boston harbor and some of them died on freezing, pestilence-laden prison barges in NY harbor. They died because they were unwilling to gain amnesty by exchanging their liberty for false fealty to the British tyrant.

But you have forgotten. Most of you couldn't quote the case I just referred to, much less discuss the philosophy I mentioned with any insight. You don't remember the prison barges in New York. You most likely never heard of the female spy known only to history as code name 355, she who gave her life so Washington could win back your freedom. Instead, you freely offer amnesty to any cretin who wants it without any bargain of loyalty or debt to your society while 355 rolls in her grave. Sheep!

Nowadays, you'll vote for any law that any plutocrat, left, right or otherwise, instructs you to. Your media plays to your basest conceits, and you rush to vote for any candidate they've customized to meet whatever flimsy ideals they've sold you on a given day. SHEEP LEADING THE SHEEP!

Whatever skin color, religion, gender, whether gay, straight or indifferent, we hate you all with the heat of a thousand white-hot AZTEC suns!!

You don't deserve this country anymore, you're not prepared to fight for it, so it is ours now.

20 million and thousands more coming in every day. The dregs of Central and South America rule the mighty USA!

Might wanna take a break from your self-concern and learn to habla yourself some Espanol. You're gonna need it.

*R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut. Thanks for your words.


ABOUT DAN GONZALEZ

Maybe it's you, maybe it's Dan. Things aren't quite the way they should be. And now it seems Dan's peace of mind has come up for the bidding, and those that he respects and trusts must all have been just kidding. Dan's little world has lost control, but still it keeps on spinnin'...

more about dan gonzalez

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