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an open letter to paris hilton
from hair to eternity
by michael d. driscoll

Hey Bitch,

It’s me, your hair.

I know what you must be thinking. This is HOT. It is. Seriously, not even Nicole gets letters from her body (obviously). That’s because you’re different -- we’re different -- and if you read this entire letter I’ll stay out of your good eye for a while.

I’ve been preoccupied lately. I keep thinking about things like...who was Elvis without his hips, Marilyn without her legs and Pee Wee without his hand? Hello! Before they all died they were just people who relied on their body parts for fame -- the same way you rely on me. So I ask you, who is this Paris without her hair? We both know the answer to that because nobody likes a bald heiress -- no no --not now. And yet, I’ve been bleached, teased, curled, straightened, coiffed, flattened, put up, put down, hung to the side, colored, and highlighted.

Come on, I’ve had more Greek DNA sprayed on me than Jackie O and the island of Mykonos combined.

And those boys, those dreadful boys! Skateboarders and pop stars and shipping heirs (don’t say it). My dear sweet Paris Whitney Hilton-DiCaprio-
Muska-Gallo-Furlong-De La Hoya-Urlacher-Whibley-Carter-Leinart-
Shaw-Latsis-Niachos-Latsis-Barker-Latsis-Latsis-Latsis where did we go wrong? The only thing these boys did well was to become the who’s who of who’s in you. I’m not the only patch of hair that needs a rest. Let’s simmer down (there).

Oh gosh, you’re probably mad at me right now (stop putting me in your nasty whore mouth) because you thought this was going to be a love letter. It started out that way, but when I think of the bar brawls, the way I looked in that sex video (matted), and when I think of the next 25 years of smoke-filled bars and boys stepping on me I see red! Yes I have eyes, bitch. I know -- hot, right?

Just when I thought our days of bar brawls were done you go and throw your face into Shanna Moakler’s fist. Only recently was I able to uncurl after years of lingering Shannon Doherty trauma. Even after we told THE WORLD that Sha-Mo struck us in the jaw and yelled profanities we still had to stand under florescent lights at the police station to file a complaint. Now where is the justice?

Oh here’s the justice -- a sex video. I still can’t talk about this without shedding. I will split ends for the next 10 years on this story alone. How did you think I was going to look under a night scope? And why did we gain popularity with this video, puddin? Oh, that’s right, because we’re only famous for being rich. Look for a clot of rich hair on your pillow in the morning.

I know I’m dead, but I’m not stupid. There’s more of me than there are of you and I can’t be expected to hang out all the time. I need to regenerate, but more importantly I need Lindsay Lohan to stop touching me. Do you know where she’s been? I do and if you knew it too you wouldn’t let her touch the same hemisphere. Let’s create a fake movie and send her to Guam! Guam. Guam, honey...it’s around 13º 30n, 144º 48E or something. Don't look at me like that.

Anyway, I need to grow now. I only have a few more minutes until you wake up naked and high somewhere. That was a joke...you usually have your clothes on when you wake up, we all know that.


Your hair


Curious about everything, Michael plans to do it all. A ruffian by day and a lover by night he's managed to go where no one else has gone. His slight forgetfulness means he is curious about everything and plans to do it all. A ruffian by day and a lover by night he's managed...

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robert melos
10.20.06 @ 5:31a

The mental imagery you painted with this piece is indelibly inked into my brain for eternity. You are brilliant on a Dorothy Parker level and, given your ability to see things from perspectives of hair and who knows what else, your own vicious circle as well.


cynthia santiglia
10.20.06 @ 9:45a

Wow. I didn't know extensions had feelings!

jackie cornwell
10.26.06 @ 1:22p

Interesting satire but Pee Wee Herman is still alive.

michael driscoll
10.26.06 @ 3:30p

Yes, so you must see the humor now. :)

sandra thompson
11.6.06 @ 4:36p

Am I the only person in the world who would be ecstatically happy never to see, hear or hear of Paris again?

lisa r
11.6.06 @ 5:48p

Nope--I feel the same way, Sandra. I simply cannot understand why she and others like her are given the same front page importance as, say...North Korea's little explosives project.

robert melos
11.7.06 @ 3:20a

Lisa, I think the answer to your question is the desire of the public. The average person doesn't even know North Korea exists, nor do they care. I just saw a television program on the Food Network. In it there was the trivia mention that in 1979 Col. Harland Sanders was the second most recognized person in the world. That says a lot about the interests of people.

I'm guessing Paris Hilton is somewhere in the top 5 most recognized people in the world today. I doubt of Tony Blair, George W. Bush or even Saddam Hussein top the list. I would venture to say Paris tops all of them. And given her reputation, I'll bet she did.

lisa r
11.7.06 @ 8:38a

I find it really sad that as a society we find vapid people fascinating enough to spend money on magazines, etc. to keep up with these people's lives.

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