I'm here today to give my notice: I've decided to become a terrorist.
Don't worry. I'm not going to get all political. I'll leave that to the experts. Don't get me wrong; there's a lot of stuff going on right now that makes me angry -- my list is probably similar to yours -- but it's not the current societal turmoil that has driven me to this point.
I try not to get too het up about real life. Getting hot and bothered about the complex reasons the world is going to hell in a handbasket is largely futile and ultimately depressing. Just watch Syriana, you'll get it. Unless you're an optimist. Then go watch Crash and hold hands with the closest Negro, you ignorant fuck.
So in order to preserve my sanity, I'm concentrating my rage on the stuff that's supposed to distract us from the badness: entertainment. I've had it with American Pop Culture and I don't think I'm the only one.
When I said "I've decided to become a terrorist" I meant a "Pop Culture terrorist." Kind of like that Soy Bomb guy from the Grammys a few years back. Or like Michael Jackson at the end of his "Black & White" video, but without morphing into a panther.
It's time to bomb pop culture back to the golden age, or at least back before K-Fed and the Pussycat Dolls were granted their 15 minutes. Wait, did I say "bomb?" I meant "liberate and restructure it so democracy can flourish."
Certain people, re: snobs, will tell you that pop culture is insignificant. But we shouldn't underestimate it. For a large part of the world, the bits of our pop culture that trickle down to them are their only points of reference for the American way of life. If not for the guys in camo toting machine guns past their doors, they'd prolly think we all dress in lowriding sweats with the word "JUICY" on the ass.
Pop culture is insidious and far-reaching. For many, it provides a window into American life they wouldn't otherwise have.
So when I sit here and excoriate the existence of Juicy Couture and Insane Clown Posse, I do it in mock fury, but also with the understanding that there are people out there that find our perceived lifestyles so offensive that they want to murder us all. The President calls those people "freedom haters" and "evil doers." I call him "a puppet" and "a douchebag."
I am not advocating censorship or anything as distasteful and Patriot Act-y as that, but maybe a good pop-culture cleansing wouldn't be such a bad idea. Can't we at least get rid of the crap that even we think sucks? If a bunch of prudes want to hate us because of Tony Soprano, so be it. But if it's an episode of "MadTV" that gets their blood up, maybe we should consider cancelling it, if it's even still on.
Shouldn't there be some entertainment world version of PETA to discourage the worst offenders? A gang of lunatics who actively demonstrate against things they find cruel and offensive and outrageously juvenile, like "Drawn Together" and Tucker Max? I think so.
Fighting back against the worst, least enjoyable examples of American entertainment will take extreme measures. I would like to see pig's blood get thrown on lots of famous people, especially Fergie. And Dane Cook.
We can also form a new KKK that only discriminates against horrible television. I am going to put a burning cross on the lawn of "American Idol." I will tar and feather Jeff Probst and Howie Mandel.
Once I land in prison -- and I clearly will -- I will pass the time by writing my own version of Mein Kampf in which I detail the disgusting, viral characteristics of reality TV.
I think we should bring back segregation. I do not want my children drinking from the same fountain as someone who watches "Laguna Beach." In my new America, all fans of "Desperate Housewives" and "Grey's Anatomy" will have to sit at the back of the bus and give up their seats to anyone who watches "The Wire."
I will burn Chris Berman's house to the ground and eat Joe Buck's children. I will put tainted spinach in Peter King's pumpkin triple latte and I will rip Mitch Albom's ears off his face and force Bob Costas to eat them. Anyone wearing wheelie sneakers will get JACKED UP!
Join me now and fight against the detritus of the pop culture landscape, lest more real world terrorists grow up with unsavory impressions of our freedom. Not only does Charlie not surf, Osama don't Super Size.
So turn off "Big Brother 14," stop watching Katie Couric's home-cooked news, and get down in the dirt with me. If "Survivor: Auschwitz" gets greenlit, the terrorists have won.
At least watch HBO. For Christ's sake.
Let's get real here. You don't want to know about me. You want to know about "me".
ABOUT MIKE JULIANELLE
more about mike julianelle
IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
10.11.06 @ 7:19a
If you wanted to be really meta, you'd blow yourself up, Spanky.
10.11.06 @ 8:21a
You've done it now. There used to be a time when if the adjective "tacky" was applied to one, it meant one had no fashion taste. Now every damned thing is so tacky I sometimes get almost apoplectic about it. I know people who call grand opera "screeching" and call me a pretentious snob because I actually like it. I have no reply to something like that because my mouth is open to flies and my eyes are popping out of their sockets. I've been railing against a lot of pop culture for at least fifty years and half the people I know call me a pretentious intellectual snob, but I cannot bring myself to watch soap operas or reality shows or most car crash/explosion films. What the frak is an education for it not to raise the level of one's taste in art and entertainment? BTW, I remember when Dane Cook was funny. I don't know what happened. At least Chris Titus still is when he shows up for a live performance.
10.11.06 @ 9:43a
Hip hop, man, is one of the biggest problems. All hype and gimmick and almost NO SOUL whatsoever. And people die for it.
And what about over-wrought fanboys that confuse completely over-hyped shows like the Sopranos with high drama and intrigue and depend on token, cliche anti-Bush remarks for pop-culture credibility boosts?
Yeah, eliminate the detritus by aborting the stupidity that gestates it.
10.11.06 @ 10:11a
I will rip Mitch Albom's ears off his face and force Bob Costas to eat them
Man, I love that visual. Mitch Albom is an asshole.
10.11.06 @ 10:45a
Wheelie sneakers. Heh.
I personally want to scream "Yeah, it's the white man keeping you down. Right." to all those dumb broads on Flavor of Love on VH1. Where the hell is NOW and Essence and Oprah damn Winfrey to pull those lowlifes by their $800 hair extensions and say "Complain all you want about "brothers" leaving you for white chicks - who would want you when you're acting this way?" That show is easily the most racist and misogynistic show on television.
And yet no one complains.
10.11.06 @ 4:28p
What if you watch Laguna Beach AND The Wire? hehe.
10.11.06 @ 5:01p
Does not compute!
12.20.06 @ 5:00p
Pretty awesome. I hate all that crap on TV that somehow lands emmys, and all the trashy people who become celebrities wearing haute coutoure. I'm sick of it all! Death to Pop culture!!!