Regretfully, this correspondence will not be pleasant, but you’re really pissing me off. I went for lunch with Saturn yesterday and he told me that Mars told him that your measly astronomers had decided that I was no longer a planet. Well, excuse me, Mr. Third Rock from the Sun, but who in the hell he gave you the right to make that designation?
You’re not the biggest planet. You’re not the warmest nor the coldest! And from what I’ve heard, those two-legged oxygen inhalers you take so much pride in aren’t even yours. Apparently -- according to one of your more popular books -- all your men came from Mars and all your women were imported from Venus. So, really, what the hell is so special about you? It’s bad enough that you arrogant bastards persist in having Miss Universe pageants without even asking if any other planets want to participate. And now this! You’re lucky you’re 2.8 billion miles away, or I’d come and kick you where the Sun don't shine.
Your insensitivity repels me. How are you going to make me a planet, then change your mind? Do you know how humiliating that is? How do you think that makes me look to my moon? Oh, and Neptune’s been having a field day with this. He’s been calling me “the James Frey of the galaxy” since last Thursday. Even Mercury called me a “fake ass Mars.” (Incidentally, I hate that little fireball bastard. I hope he rotates off his axis and gets melted by the Sun.)
But I really shouldn’t be surprised, as you’ve been a condescending little prick from the beginning. Since you just had to give me a name, many other names would’ve been fine: Ice, Carbon, even Small Fry would’ve been acceptable. Yet, you decided to name me Pluto. WTF? Isn’t that the little retarded dog on the Disney cartoons? And we won’t even talk about how you did poor Uranus. Don’t think she's ignorant about the unhygienic colloquialism connected to her name, you sick, sexist pig. (By the way, I’m well-versed on the events that transpire on your planet. My days are six times as long as yours and it’s cold here. I read a lot.)
So what if I’m smaller than your moon? I thought we was boys. Now I hear you’re even calling me a “dwarf” planet. Your momma’s a dwarf planet. If I see you out in the galaxy, I’m punching you in the mouth. Your news reporters will lie to your humans and call it an asteroid. But you’ll know it was me. It's not a threat, it's a promise.
I know some of your astronomers share my indignation, as just under half of them weren’t even invited to this so-called “historic vote.” But the fact that my anger is shared does little to console me. You think too highly of yourself and you need to know the truth. Seems Jupiter and Mars have tired of your arrogance, your constant satellite probes, your erroneous television shows (Star Trek, in particular, is abominable) and are contemplating forming their own planetary range without you. They told me not to tell you, but there it is. Feel betrayed? Bite me.
In summary, I rebuke your attempts to belittle my various contributions to our solar system. I don’t need to be recognized on your maps, in your schools, or in the miniscule brains of your clueless humans. My planethood is intact and I would appreciate that you direct more of your energies towards your global warming problem (before you end up bitter and scalded like Mercury) and containing your horrific AIDS virus, which all of your so-called leaders continue to ignore.
My rebuke extends to my name as well. From this point, I will only respond to my new name, one that I think speaks more directly to my true self. Any further outbursts and you will be thrashed.
Jason Gilmore is a film director, screenwriter, novelist and unrepentant Detroit Pistons fan. Track him down on Facebook.
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
9.18.06 @ 12:17a
Damn. Last line of this made me shoot soda out my nose. Hilarious.
9.18.06 @ 12:36a
Fantastic. Funniest ever. Pluto deserves more respect.
9.18.06 @ 2:56a
I wish this was supplied as required reading in my 5th grade science class!
9.18.06 @ 9:41a
I nominate Jason to have the Monday column every week. Awesome, just awesome.
9.18.06 @ 9:48a
This is hilarious! We science writers are always looking for ways to make science interesting. You've taken it to a whole new level.
Dear Pluto: I don't know whether this will comfort you or not, but you were actually named for the Roman god of the underworld, not a cartoon character. I hope that makes you feel a little better, since the Roman underworld was THE place to go after death.
9.18.06 @ 10:30a
Dear Pluto: You're just a rock. Get over it. Be grateful that you got any name at all.
9.18.06 @ 10:33a
Your momma’s a dwarf planet.
9.18.06 @ 12:46p
Your momma’s a dwarf planet. If I see you out in the galaxy, I’m punching you in the mouth. Your news reporters will lie to your humans and call it an asteroid. But you’ll know it was me.
Jason- You are Hilarious! Thanx for the much needed laugh in the A.M. hours at work.
"I'm gonna knock you out, Momma said knock you out."
9.18.06 @ 1:44p
This is awesome.
9.18.06 @ 3:03p
I have read many responses to the deplanetification of Pluto, but this is the only one that truly captures my righteous anger. I'm down with Pliddy!
9.18.06 @ 3:44p
Ok, Jael, now you just made me laugh. And thank you all, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
9.18.06 @ 5:57p
Pliddy....that is the funniest line ever!!!! Classic!1!
9.19.06 @ 5:45p
TO: Jason Gilmore
FROM: Dave Lentell
RE: New Keyboard
Please remit $50 for repair of beverage damaged keyboard. Said damage occuring as a result of several "spit-takes" while reading your column.
I understand any initial hesitancy you may have in responding to this request for payment. However, our legal department concurs with my assertion that it's impossible to read this column without laughing so hard that a "power swallow" becomes an excercise in futility.
Perhaps a warning next time that one should put down the coffee/tea/cola/alcholic beverage of choice before reading one of your columns would save future equipment damage.
Seriously though... this is one of the funniest things I've read all year. I'm telling all my friends.
9.19.06 @ 6:14p
The check's in the mail, lol. Seriously though, thanks.
9.19.06 @ 10:49p
You've done it again. Another "classic".
9.22.06 @ 8:01a
You've done it again, Jason! Thanks for expressing my own anger and annoyance at poor Piddy's plight. (Piddy! Stroke of genius.)
Don't the planets have any civil rights?