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making a terrorist friendly world
terrorism marketing 101
by robert a. melos

Since 9/11 the words “terrorism” and “terrorist” have become common place in American pop culture, mostly in a bad way. Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, Hezbollah, the GOP, the religious right are all groups that oppress freedoms in the name of their version of God. Where these groups have failed to win over the American people, except for the GOP but some evils just have all the luck, is they lack the savvy to cater to the American pop culture.

What I will do here is tell the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, and every other terrorist organization on the planet how to win over the American people.

Terrorist guys, pay attention here; put down your AK-47’s and homemade bombs and other toys and listen up. Americans are swayed by sex, money and cute cartoon spokesmen, um, spokescreatures.

First and foremost, sex sells. Eva Longoria in a bikini and a lesbian lip lock with Marcia Cross would do wonders with most of the American people for the Taliban as Taliban spokesmodels. Granted it would go against everything the Taliban stands for, oppression, terror, torture, hate of all things not Taliban. The point is you can’t win over people who were raised to believe pretty people deserve to have life handed to them on a silver platter, and to model their lives after those people and live vicariously through those pretty people copying their hair styles and attitudes in vain attempts to somehow emulate Paris Hilton or Jude Law.

Now I’m not saying the current spokespersons for terrorist groups aren’t oozing sexuality, but they aren’t. Let’s face it, Osama Bin-Laden or Sheik Hassan Nasrallah are no Jesse Metcalfe or Brad Pitt. Sure they have some form of charisma or perhaps just rule with fear, but they aren’t winning over the American public. Proof of this is obvious in the fact you don’t see the American youth growing long beards, wearing modest robes and living in caves.

Aside from sexy spokespersons, I would suggest cute cartoon creatures to soften their harsh oppressiveness and make them more accessible to the American public. Look at all the cute and friendly cartoon creatures that have garnered huge followings throughout our advertising history. Poppin’ Fresh the Pillsbury Doughboy has a following that surpasses Osama Bin-Laden as does Bugs Bunny, and several dozen other cute cartoon creatures.

To this end I want to introduce Sheik Hassan Nasrallah to Hezbollah Bunny; a cute and fluffy creature, perhaps wearing a kaffiyeh and carrying a rocket launcher with the phrase ‘Death to the Infidels” embroidered on the back of his leather bomber jacket, you’ve gotta have a black leather bomber jacket to be a cool bunny.

Now of course not to be outdone I offer up Al-Qaeda Coyote. In the tradition of Wile E. Coyote without the Roadrunner, in this case American interference, Al-Qaeda Coyote is clever, crafty and has a silly little beard that no true self-respecting coyote would be caught dead sporting (some concessions had to be made for the greater egos of the terrorist groups).

The GOP has always had the cute little elephant logo, and they technically aren’t considered a terrorist group by 51 percent of the American people, and I’ll even admit to liking some of their suggestions on how to handle conquering the world. The problem is, they don’t support my own goals for world domination, and they cozy up to the religious right far too often for my personal comfort.

Okay obviously I’m joking, sort of. However everybody does want to rule the world. There’s no reason it can’t be done in a friendly and all encompassing way, costing the least amount of lives, by winning over those who disagree with the oppressive natures of many of the Muslim based organizations by putting a friendly face on their objectives to prevent people from living their lives in freedom. Slap a sassy logo on the package and lose the “Death to the Infidels” stuff.

Death in general is a downer, and threatening death to “infidels” doesn’t do much to win over the American public because, well to be frank, who the hell are the “infidels”? I mean, according to Wikipedia an infidel (literally, "one without faith") is one who doubts or rejects central tenets of a religion, especially those regarding its deities. More generally, an infidel is one who doubts or rejects a particular doctrine, system, or principle.

Well most of the people who oppose these terrorist groups could be thought of as infidels, except those of us who are considered infidels by one group consider that group to be infidels because their beliefs differ from ours. Okay, most peoples beliefs differ from my own, which brings me back to my own push to take over the world and leads to my introduction of Pagan Pete, a cute half-man half-goat modeled to look like Jake Gyllenhaal.

I can win over women and gay men instantly, and the Pagan community will always follow a satyr.

Maybe I seem to be mocking the terrorist organizations, the American public, the world itself, and you know what? I am.


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


what i want to be when i grow up
learn me something new
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 3.14.07

full moon and blue jeans
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by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 9.12.02


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