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Naming characters is always a challenge for writers of fiction, whether the work in question is a book, a story, or a script. For television it's particularly challenging. Mostly the audience will be hearing the name, not reading it, so weird spellings are superfluous. And most TV writers have realized that populating the screen world with a plethora of Johns and Jennifers, while realistic, makes people hard to keep track of. So it needs to be something a little memorable, a little unusual, but just perfectly appropriate.
Perfection. An easy goal, right?
No wonder so many TV shows fail at it, and miserably. It's hard to beat the successes of the real world. Rep. Zach Wamp already had a pretty awesome legislator name. Now if he succeeds in becoming Majority Whip, he'll be Whip Zach Wamp, which is not only a title and a command, but also a pretty awesome onomatopeiatic phrase in the grand old style of "Batman." (Whip Zach! WAMP!)
Similarly, sometimes reality is too unreal: witness the Black Family of "The Amazing Race: Family Edition." You can't make that stuff up. You wouldn't be allowed to.
Perfection in TV naming has been achieved many times over the years. It's hard to argue with Fox Mulder, Frasier Crane, Sam Malone, Buffy Summers, and the like. The perfect name sums up the character, evoking the right sense. But the latest crop of TV writers has not been so successful. For starters, in Sitcom World, we get... George Lopez, Chris Rock, Larry David. They don't even try.
(Don't get me started on naming shows after characters. It's a lazy solution when you don't know how to express what the show's about. Hence, House/Huff/Seinfeld/Rodney/Joey/etc. Enough of that.)
Who are the worst offenders of the fall season?
Dr. Temperance Brennan, "Bones." Temperance? Seriously? In 2005? Additionally, the name of the show is also her nickname, which puts her squarely in that category of eponymous shows I said I wasn't going to get started on. That's the negative tally mark that makes her even worse than the show's other main character, Seeley Booth.
Seeley? Seriously? Ever?
Dr. Gregory House, "House." Gregory is awesome. House is stupid. It makes everyone think the show is about architects. Some of the finest writing on television today, and they couldn't come up with a last name, so somebody looked out a window and went, "Fine, let's just go with 'House.'" I guess we're lucky he's not Gregory Guidewire, or Gregory 59th Ave.
Dr. Craig "Huff" Huffstodt, "Huff." The practice of referring to someone by a shortened form of his last name, however accurate it may be in the American South, is also a clumsy naming convention. Bugs me. This is especially true when the last name sounds utterly made up, like they found the first syllable and started cramming on other syllables at the end until they found something that sounded vaguely namelike. And I hate to slag a show that stars two of Tufts University's most famous alumni, but hey, you've never seen it anyway, so I can't feel too bad.
Renée Rienne, "Alias." We all thought it, and now we know: J.J. is phoning it in. A show once known for clever, catchy names that perfectly embodied their owners -- Sydney Bristow, Irina Derevko, Marshall Flinkman -- now can't be bothered. Otherwise, if you're naming a French spy-type chick, why would you make her name a Column A (something French!)/Column B (it means "nothing!")-type affair? If this isn't evidence enough, there's always the other new character, Rachel Gibson, played by... Rachel Nichols. Clearly, not even trying.
Horatio Caine, "CSI: Miami." Ew. Just, ew.
So in this task, where it's so easy to fail, we should give due respect to the names that actually succeed. And there are certainly some great ones.
Veronica Mars, "Veronica Mars." That whole eponymy thing from before, the one I'm still trying not to talk about, that doesn't apply here. It's a seriously great name... so why not use it twice as much? Rob Thomas is a good namer, if sometimes a little overwrought (Dick and Beaver Casablancas? So unnecessary.)
Sawyer, "Lost." Okay, so his name isn't really Sawyer, but that's what he's called, so let's go with it. Because a) at least his name isn't John or Jack, and b) as far as we know Sawyer isn't a dead philosopher. And because "James 'Sawyer' Ford" doesn't fit so neatly into an addictive song format. (Warning: lower volume before clicking.)
Al Swearingen, "Deadwood." Here, Milch had an assist, because there actually was a real Al Swearingen in the historical Deadwood, S.D. But choosing to use the name, despite the fact that the character's excessive swearing might make it too precious, that's gall, and I love it. Strong and sharp and apt. Good work.
Brian, "Family Guy." He likes to drink. He likes opera. He's having trouble finding a ladyfriend who appreciates him. Oh, and he's a dog. If there were a more perfect name for a dog known to shout, "Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?" I can't imagine what it would be.
Bob Loblaw, "Arrested Development." Before we even met the character, we knew his deal. That name tells you absolutely everything you need to know. It's quirky and vaguely ridiculous, as are most of the names on this show -- Maeby, George Michael, GOB, Tobias -- and accordingly, your expectations are perfectly set. The show itself is quirky and vaguely ridiculous. And absolutely, hilariously, drop-dead funny. Just like Bob Loblaw.
Naming is key. No wonder that, on "Alias" last week, while Vaughn was dying (of being shot a ZEEEELLION times but never in the head, like, way to TCB, bad guys) he spent some of his last few minutes bashing some of Sydney's poor suggestions for baby names. In the end, they seemed to settle on Isabelle.
Me, I hope it's a boy.
Whip Zach Wamp Bristow Vaughn.
That's a winner.
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ABOUT JAEL MCHENRY | |
Jael is tired of being stereotyped as just another novelist/poet/former English teacher/tour guide/"Jeopardy!" semifinalist/bellydancing editor-in-chief with an MFA who was once an overachieving oboe-playing alto newspaper editor valedictorian from Iowa. She was also captain of the football cheerleading squad.
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POSTS | |
sandra thompson
10.5.05 @ 7:14a
The perfect character name IMFO is Amory Blaine. In my adolescent fantasy madness Amory morphed into the persona of what might usually have been called "Prince Charming." If I couldn't grow up and marry Amory Blaine, well, then I just wouldn't grow up at all. It worked for me.
(Fitzgerald, "This Side of Paradise," in case you were wondering.)
Shakespeare was great at naming characters, too.
Zach Braff is a perfect name, too, even if it's not made-up.
adam kraemer
10.5.05 @ 11:22a
Speaking of Bob Loblaw, I just have to give props to the producers for getting Scott Baio to replace Henry Winkler.
I guess it helps that one of the producers is Ron Howard.
You're, right. Great name, though.
jael mchenry
10.5.05 @ 11:35a
I do love the Chachi/Fonz dimension.
"We're not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw."
I keep forgetting Ron Howard does the voiceover. I'm a little annoyed that the voiceovers have gotten more intrusive this season ("hey, that's the name of the show!") but it certainly doesn't annoy me enough to keep me from watching AD.
mike julianelle
10.5.05 @ 11:55a
Same here.
jael mchenry
10.5.05 @ 2:47p
Mystery solved: a friendly reader wrote in to let me know that the name Gregory House did not, in fact, come from bored writers looking out a window. Apparently it's a reference to Sherlock Holmes (as the doctor is a detective) -- Holmes, pronounced Homes, therefore led to House.
I still think it confuses potential viewers, but it's nice to know there's a reason.
mike julianelle
10.5.05 @ 3:45p
I always thought Sherlock Holmes was prounounced "Holmes."
jael mchenry
10.5.05 @ 3:54p
Well, yeah, but you know those creative types.
And if they'd done Dr. Watson I would have ragged on that too.
mike julianelle
10.5.05 @ 4:07p
I like to rag on the cookie-cutter style of the show. And the AWESOME promos that have someone saying:
"If you're wrong, he'll end up with no hands AND no feet!"
That's a risk HOUSE is willing to take!
I don't watch the show, I saw one episode once, and i admit it's kind of interesting, but from the previews and bits I've seen, nothing seems to change but the details of the disease. Has he ever been wrong?
It's also great how ER's new ads trumpet the addition of "Kristen Johnson!" Finally! The ugly chick from French Stewart's pitiful show! Just what ER needs!
jael mchenry
10.5.05 @ 4:15p
The awesomer part of that promo is that she says "If you're wrong, he'll end up with no hands and no feet," and he replies, "If I'm wrong, he'll end up dead!"
I watch it off and on, and the dialogue is genius. The character development is a little sketchy and the scenario, as you say, gets kind of repetitive. But Hugh Laurie as House, and the dialogue? Utter brilliance. Netflix the Season 1 DVDs just for the episode "Three Stories." You'll love it.
"ER" is still on? You're kidding! And Kristen Johnson's still working? Equally unbelievable. I guess they belong together.
adam kraemer
10.5.05 @ 6:26p
I actually just removed "ER" from my Tivo list this weekend. I'm done. Switching to "Grey's Anatomy."
And "House" has terrific writing, even if it is formulaic.
jeff miller
10.5.05 @ 8:46p
God, I miss Joss Whedon.
Even if he does name his characters things like "Angel" and "Willow" he makes up for it with demons named "Lorne" and space pilots named Wash.
Seen Serenity yet?
DYN-O-MITE!
dan gonzalez
10.6.05 @ 12:54a
As bad as Seinfeld was as far as coming up with a show title, which was slightly worse than he was at acting, coming up with Kramer was brilliant, and they let it run like that, and then made that huge deal about his first name. Cosmo Kramer. For me, prolly best character name ever, next to Falstaff and maybe Beowulf.
mike julianelle
10.6.05 @ 8:56a
Serenity is awesome.
jael mchenry
10.6.05 @ 11:15a
I'll probably get Serenity on Netflix. Sacrilege, I know. But there are about 80 things I want to see in the theater right now and haven't got time for any of 'em.
Been watching a lot of television, as you might guess.
jason gilmore
10.6.05 @ 11:24a
I'm always suspicious of actors that share the first name of their characters. Particularly in the case of Tony Danza who plays characters named Tony quite often. (Taxi, Who's the Boss)
I always thought the two best names on Family Guy were Quagmire and Cleveland Brown. Quagmire deserves his own show, seriously. Giggidy giggidy giggidy!
jael mchenry
10.6.05 @ 2:15p
Wow. I don't think I ever got "Cleveland Brown" before. Ha! I did think about including (Glen) Quagmire in the Brian entry, though.
Giggidy!
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