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it's just business
by dathan wood

I’m pretty sure I understand why some businesses go out of business. Business class. I flew to Germany recently on Lufthansa, I had a coach seat at a pretty reasonable price. On the flight home those bastards gave my seat away and luckily for me, they had to bump me to business class. Now, I liked business class better than coach so when I got home I ran a few ticket searches to see what the price difference was. I thought, hell, if it’s only a few hundred bucks, it’s worth it.

Seven-fucking-thousand dollars.

How can you justify seven thousand bucks to be a bit more comfortable on a twelve hour flight? That’s almost 600 bucks an hour! There sure as hell wasn’t an hour that I could recall being worth $600. I’ve broken down my flight to see what the business class extras are really worth.

Hour One

While you're waiting to take off, you can watch The Map. The Map is a GPS readout displayed on the tiny-ass monitor in the seatback in front of you that shows the plane sitting on the tarmac at the airport. Unfortunately, The Map isn’t working so I read.

Total value: $0.

Hour Two

The Map still doesn’t work; in fact the whole damn entertainment system is down. No Map, no movies, no music. Also down is the lay-flat chair due to some clown rebooting the whole system. I am sitting in the seat-back-upright-tray-table-stowed-and-locked position two hours into the damned flight! They’re reclining in coach, I know they are! Dude, I’m about five minutes away from kicking seven thousand dollars worth of ass! Oh yeah, I didn’t actually pay for the seat so I settle down. I also have a good German beer, Warsteiner.

Total value: $5 - The beer is good but I’m pissed.

Hour Three

Hallelujah! We’ve got movies, music, TV, The Map, and a chair that does all sorts of things! Oh yeah baby, I’ve got my feet up and I’m getting a massage. I flip through the movies selections and I’ve got…. shit. So it’s Nicholas Cage in National Treasure. Dicks. Beer #2.

Total value: $100 - I’ll admit, the chair is pretty sweet.

Hour Four

Dinner is served. It’s a real dinner, I have the Cornish game hen with an assortment of great cheeses and a very nice glass of wine. Man, this movie sucks though.

Total value: $30 - The better food is worth something more than the cheese sandwiches they’re getting in coach.

Hour Five

I think my neighbor is starting to get irritated that I haven’t stopped playing with the seat since it came online. “First time in business class, Dr. Galakowitz?” Blow me. Ocean’s 12 is on, Lord, what a piece of crap. I learn that they have a snack service available in the galley. Dude, for my seven large I need to get my own snack from the galley? I have a couple of good cheese sandwiches and another glass of very good wine.

Total value: $20 - Why must the movies suck so badly?

Hour Six

How does Matt Damon’s mom bail out our heroes without going to jail herself? This may be lamest thing I’ve ever seen. Are you watching this shit, Doc? Dude, if you want to sleep pull that pod deal up around your head! How was I supposed to know? Ooh games! Why didn’t I see that before? Oh yeah, I was watching crap. This feature coming soon? For seven G’s I don’t even get Super Mario Bros.? Pong? Doc, wake up and thumb wrestle me! Nope, no games.

Total value: $0

Hour Seven

Man, am I bored. I can’t sleep on a plane. Lay-flat seat my ass! I’m pretty tall and this thing was not made for people over six feet. I could lay flat but my feet would be crushed under the seat in front of me. Seven grand to lay in the fetal position? Should I crush just a toe and sue? I’m on about my fortieth glass of water. There’s a window in the head so at least I get to watch frozen, plain-ass Iceland every time I pee.

Total value: $100 - Only because the chair is a lot better than coach (even though the lay-flat myth has been busted) and the stewardess keeps bringing me water even though I’m not asking for it.

Hour Eight

Spanglish. What the fuck is this? I need to speak to the pilot about the movies available on this tub. My apologies to Matt Damon’s mom, this is truly the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.

Total value: $20 - How can the movies all be this bad? My eyes are too dry and tired to read so I’m trapped.

Hour Nine

There’s no way the hot Mexican maid loves Happy Gilmore! No more cheese sandwiches for me, thanks. When I get bored I eat and I’ve had like twelve of these things. Okay, one more beer though just to get me through this horrific movie.

Total value: $30 - I’ve eaten that much in cheese and after all this time this chair is just as uncomfortable as coach.

Hour Ten

Walking around the plane is pretty boring since everyone else is sleeping. Watching people sleep on a plane is actually really gross. Doesn’t anyone breathe through their nose anymore? I’ll bet I could put part of a cheese sandwich in that guy’s mouth and he wouldn’t even wake up. You have a hole in your fucking sock, dirtbag! Jesus, they gave us those blue sock/slipper things to wear. Notice my beautiful, brand new socks… I was this close to doing a great job of packing. Socks, who forgets to bring socks?

Total value: $50 - I peek through the curtain at coach. It looks pretty shitty.

Hour Eleven

The Map. Move little plane. Seriously, move, the Midwest is pretty damn big. I can’t bring myself to watch anymore terrible movies. Wow, staring is pretty dull. Oh wait…. nope, just more staring. This is the poor man’s meditation. Ok, just one more beer, I’m taking the train from the airport anyway. Beer, something new to stare at.

Total value: $20 - The beer really is pretty good and drinking is something to do.

Hour Twelve

I wonder what the record number of times for looking at one’s watch in an hour is? 48 minutes, 47 minutes, 46 minutes…. How can you sleep at a time like this, Doc? Hah! Time to wake up and assume the position, bitches! Its 3:30 a.m. Germany time and all of you clowns have to fight to wake up but I’m already good to go! I’ve got my belongings back in my carry-on and have it stowed. I’ve brushed my teeth with the complimentary toothbrush and the world’s tiniest tube of paste. You’re all waiting in line for the head and I’m all set, I’m just going to sit here and stare at The Map as our little plane makes its way over the Rockies and into the Bay Area.

Total value: $2 - The toothbrush is a nice touch but after twelve hours I’m so bored and uncomfortable I may as well be in the luggage compartment.

Grand Total

After totaling it up, I would have been willing to pay an extra $307 to sit in business class. That’s actually pretty accurate. While the seat was much bigger and the meal much better, the overall experience still rated a solid “shitty” on the shit-o-meter. At the end of the day, the movies are still terrible and the socks are still nasty. For about $50 you can bring your own food and pay the fiver for each drink and still come out $6550 ahead. You may be a little worse for wear but with all that money back in your pocket, you can afford live large when you get there!


Currently working with Pony Boy on staying gold.

more about dathan wood


i see you!
by dathan wood
topic: humor
published: 12.3.03


juli mccarthy
6.29.05 @ 11:45p

Seven THOUSAND dollars????

For a PLANE TICKET?? Are they NUTS? Who pays that kind of money ON PURPOSE??

(You can tell I find this alarming because I can't seem to express my disbelief without LOTS OF CAPS.)

dathan wood
6.29.05 @ 11:59p

Yeah! I think that's pretty worst case scenario but I just ran my trip in coach and then ran it again in business and that was the difference. Ridiculous.

jeffrey walker
7.1.05 @ 8:05p

Game hen and wine would cost way more than $30 almost anywhere.

And there is NO WAY Spanglish is a worse movie than Ocean's 11. NO WAY. A single mom maid would totally fall for a successful restaurateur.

That being said, for $7,000 that plane should have got you here in like 2 hours. And for some reason, the two movies you mentioned (plus sideways) was what they showed me on the way to Vietnam back in April. What gives?

dathan wood
7.2.05 @ 12:30a

We're talking airplane game hen.

Spanglish was so bad I was speechless. Sandler is bad when he's trying to be funny and when he's trying to be serious it's like a 2 hour kick to the nuts.

That's a good point, why push the same 4 or 5 really shitty movies on everyone flying everywhere? There are a lot better movies out right now.

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