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when good girls go bad
ap news the way i wish it could be
by robert a. melos

The Stewart Gang has struck again. Last night in an upscale neighborhood in Westchester County, the now notorious Stewart Gang, led by Martha “Mama” Stewart, redecorated the home of Ann Lebowski.

“I’m so flattered,” said Ms. Lebowski. “Imagine the notorious and extremely tasteful Martha Stewart choosing my home over all the others on my block for redecoration.” The Lebowski home, admittedly in what Ms. Lebowski’s mother-in-law, Greta Hayfil, describes as desperate need of a makeover, was transformed from an early 70s disaster to an up-to-date showplace while the Lebowski’s were attending a school play. Their daughter Julie was a flower with one line, and garnered rave reviews, according to sources.

“I can’t believe she could get all of this done with just the help of her gang in such a short span of time,” Ms. Lebowski said, adding, “Martha we love you! Thank you. Thank you, so much!”

Thank you so much. That is the sentiment of many of the victims of the Stewart Gang. They are grateful people with newly redecorated homes. But what led to this life of redecorating crime for the once sane and very popular matron saint of good taste?

To recap, Ms. Stewart was sentenced to prison after being convicted, some say wrongly, of fibbing. Once a simple crime that carried a punishment of being told, “shame on you,” fibbing has been escalated to a more heinous crime.

“It was decided that, if Martha could do it then examples must be set or fibbing would be a rampant problem,” said an undisclosed source in the office of the Manhattan District Attorney. “We couldn’t let her get away with it. If we did, then everybody would be fibbing.”

So a few months after her conviction, Martha Stewart entered a minimum-security detainment facility. It was inside the big house, as it were, that Martha Stewart’s true and most devious nature was to bloom like a pretty pink flower in the late spring. Only a month after entering the prison, just before Thanksgiving, Martha and her gang, four middle-aged women from her dorm wing who took to calling her “Mama”, made their daring escape.

“We’re kind of on the honor system,” said a guard who would only consent to being interviewed on the guarantee of anonymity. “I don’t want to make it sound like the inmates are running the prison, although many do fill the secretarial and administrative assistant positions at the facility. Anyway, Mama Stewart, as some of the girls liked to call her, and her posse, stepped out for an evening stroll after dinner, and never returned. They simply strolled off the grounds. We didn’t even know they were missing until we did a head count after lights out.”

It was after her escape that the true nature of Martha Stewart was discovered. “Prison life isn’t much different from life in boarding school,” read a line from a diary discovered beneath her mattress. “The matron has been very nice to me. When I get out, I must remember to invite her to be on my show."

Her diary mirrors her descent into a criminal mindset. “Today I learned how to knit a gun holster,” reads an entry only days after entering the facility. “I already knew how to carve a gun out of a bar of soap. It’s just like carving ice sculptures for a dinner party, only on a smaller scale.”

It was clear her path to a life of crime was set.

After their escape, the Stewart Gang, as the media began to call them, went or a rampage of breaking, entering and redecorating homes from Maryland to upper New York state. In a matter of hours the Stewart Gang manages to transform shabby and rundown décor, into shabby chic, and even some grander makeovers including a sitting room in the style of Louis XVI and a detailed duplication of a bedroom once rumored to have been the infamous boudoir of Mme. Pompadour.

While the victims are grateful for the intervention of Mama Martha and her notorious gang of would-be decorators, the question remains, when will the world be safe?

“I’m afraid to leave my home,” said Irene Varjack, of Nyack. “I just had my interior redone to my liking, in early kitsch, and I just know Martha and her gang are out there waiting to come in and do one of her tasteful, everything matching and in its place makeovers.”

What is a terrified public to do? “For one thing, people can take to locking their doors,” advises Tom Ridge, Chief of Homeland Security.

And until Martha Stewart and her gang are captured and returned to the minimum-security dormitory style prison from which they escaped, tasteless people will continue to live in fear of a redecoration.


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

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tracey kelley
12.8.04 @ 1:02a

The crack investigative team at the Des Moines Register reported today that Martha has lost 10 lbs. in the pen.

I know. I'm repeating it. But, you know, still.

robert melos
12.8.04 @ 5:32p

I hear they have excellent exercise programs in prison. You just know there's a Martha Stewart's Prison Diet book heading for the presses as we speak.

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