The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Dear [President Bush/President-elect Kerry],
Well, now that the election is [over/still being contested/decided once again by the Supreme Court], and you've [won by a landslide/overcome such a tight margin/forgotten that you lost], it's time for you to turn your eyes to [the America of tomorrow/fixing all of the world's problems/the skies filling with those invading robots from space].
Sure, for the [next few days/first year of your term], you can take it easy, celebrating your victory, but soon the country will once again be looking to you to [lead the way/do something about Iraq/give the rich another tax break]. In other words, the work of the President.
I can't help but notice that you still haven't [captured Osama Bin Laden/trimmed that stubborn nose hair/managed to be nearly as popular as Bill Clinton]. I believe it is time to [get on that/boogie down].
First of all, there's this whole environment thing. I know that you [care about the environment/don't trust science/discredit all reports that would cost corporations any additional funds], and I can't help saying [that's commendable./are you on crack?] But more needs to be done. The last four years have managed to undo the last 30 years of [environmental gains/fashion styles]. If you don't want to go down in history as the president who killed nature, please think hard on the kind of future you want to leave for [your daughters/your daughters].
In addition, I would be gratified to see [you admit your mistakes/Theresa list all 57 varieties of Heinz/Swift Boat Veterans for the Truth sent back to Vietnam/your daughters in Playboy]. It is my personal feeling that throughout this campaign, you haven't concentrated enough on [the economy/our weak dollar/the deficit/joblessness/education/the fact that the press is a bunch of weenies] and I think it's time to [stop claiming small government except for when you need a bigoted Amendment passed/try to avoid being seen snowboarding ever again/explain why the "will of the American people" can be based on a difference of a few percent/start hiding from the robots].
The next step is, of course, [dealing with the war in Iraq/admitting that maybe you did flip-flop a little/finally coming clean to the American people about everything/getting back our international respect]. This might all be [easier said than done/achieved in a series of TV spots/for naught if the invading robots are resistant to nuclear weapons]. The important thing is that [you tried/the right to vote isn't taken away in the next four years/there's still a chance for peace in the Middle East/you finally managed to get one of those Lance Armstrong bracelets/John Ashcroft is out of office and can go back to his previous job of collecting souls].
Now I know that writing this letter the day of the election, without [knowing the results/having taken my anti-psychotic pills], might seem a little [premature/brilliant]. Not only do I not know which presidential candidate I will ultimately send this to, but I don't know [what the voting challenges will be/which campaign promises will immediately be broken/if terrorism will rear its ugly head/whether I can be of some use to our new robotic overlords so they don't make me work in the baby mines on their planet].
What I do know is that the country has been off-keel for four years and [it's time we got some fresh blood in there/you need to realize that the close election should mean that you don't have a strong popular mandate/you have a responsibility to all the American people, not just the ones who give you money/I really need to do laundry].
Basically, what I'm saying is listen to the majority of the American people. I know we all live in a [representative republican government/yellow submarine]. But this election has been [too divisive/a travesty/a sad commentary on partisan politics/fun], and if any healing of the schism between [left and right/east and west/north and south/me and everyone else] is going to be effected, it has to start with [you/me/the truth/the robots].
So instead of continuing on your current course of [pandering to special interests/basing your political decisions on what you think your version of Jesus would want/lying to the American people/marrying rich women/failing to show up at Congressional votes/campaigning for President], it is imperative that you start to [show some compassion/devise a way to stop our troops from dying for a foreign country/stop being so smug/read a friggin' newspaper]. Remember, you work for all the people.
[Sincerely/Congratulations/Your pal/You must have fixed the election],
[insert name here]
P.S. Can I be [Secretary of the Interior/reunited with my real parents/cremated and spread in the ocean/your huckleberry/hailed as a hero for warning the people of Earth about the robot army]?
A native of Elkins Park, PA, Adam Kraemer spends way too much of his time repeating "K-R-A-E..." He moved to New York City in 1998 and earned Master's in Journalism at NYU; don't let his writing fool you. He feels he is best known for saying the things no one is thinking, but afterwards wish they had been. He spends his free time wondering where all his free time goes and why he can never come up with a decent kicker for the ends of his articles.
ABOUT ADAM KRAEMER
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
11.5.04 @ 12:47a
You made me think of The Flaming Lips:
Oh Yoshimi, they don't believe me, but you won't let those robots defeat me.
This is brilliant. Period.
That's the only answer I circled correctly. That and the daughters in Playboy thing. Thanks for the constant laughs throughout...
11.5.04 @ 1:05a
11.5.04 @ 6:36a
"are you on crack?"
Brilliant, Adam. Absolutely brilliant.
11.5.04 @ 8:06a
11.5.04 @ 9:03a
Oh Adam, this is fantastic!
11.5.04 @ 9:59a
Thanks, guys. Considering I wrote it on Monday.
dr. jay gross
11.5.04 @ 10:29a
Ashcroft wants to know; 1. Do robots have souls? and if so, 2. can he collect them?.....after he 'views' the Bush girls in Playboy (but he wants to keep that a secret). Where's J. Edgar when we need him?
You've touched ALL the raw nerves and they are "Blowin' in the wind".....Thanks for a good one!!
michelle von euw
11.5.04 @ 10:50a
Awesome column -- thanks for the laugh!
11.5.04 @ 10:58a
Great column, I loved it!
11.5.04 @ 10:59a
"It has to start with [you/me/the truth/the robots]."
11.5.04 @ 10:59a
And Ashcroft's on his way out. Best news of the week. Now they can take those silly curtains off the statues.
11.5.04 @ 11:00a
Woo-hoo! Exposed marble mammaries for everyone!
11.5.04 @ 11:29a
basing your political decisions on what you think your version of Jesus would want
11.5.04 @ 12:58p
Holy crap, Adam. This is freakin' brilliant.
11.5.04 @ 1:22p
Well done. However, I don't quite understand why you didn't list having "your daughters in Playboy" in a sentence of its own. Whatever...
11.5.04 @ 6:05p
One of the best things I've read since the election. This is fantastic.
11.6.04 @ 5:19a
One of the best things?
Okay, actually this works for me.
11.10.04 @ 12:28p
Wow. Maybe I should have written this instead.
11.10.04 @ 2:24p
I disagree, Adam. While that's impassioned and all, your column is a nice departure from the chest-beating, hair-pulling, wailing-wall, dead horse beating everyone else seems to be engaged in.
11.10.04 @ 2:47p
Still, I feel as though my column doesn't rightly express my anger at the majority of people in this country who just voted out of myoptic selfishness for bigotry, pollution, and deficit.
11.10.04 @ 3:09p
The thing is, attacking what happened from a fierce and angry place often has less impact than a clever approach like yours. It's easier to write off something rabid than something reasonable, at least from where I sit.
11.10.04 @ 4:14p
Adam, humor is one of the best weapons we have as human beings. You use it very well.
11.10.04 @ 10:36p
Adam, all we can say is Thank God it wasn't Florida this year. Brilliant article. Thanks for putting it all into perspective.
11.15.04 @ 12:06p
You're just happy because you live in Florida. There's plenty of Ohio Democrats who are hoping that in 4 years it'll be Nevada.