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dick cheney is an alien reptile!
headlines i'd like to see in my lifetime
by tracey l. kelley (@TraceyLKelley)
10.29.04
humor

It’s the Friday before the 2004 Presidential Election.

The American election process. Otherwise known as “Which Devil’s Spawn Looks Better in A Blue Tie? The Public (Well, Sorta) Decides.”

You’re throwing-up-behind-a-tree sick of glaring headlines.

KERRY BLAMES BUSH FOR FLU VACCINE CRISIS! SAID HE'D HAVE MADE MORE!

BUSH CALLS KERRY A LIBERAL WIENIE! "KETCHUP-WIENIE...GET IT?"

Nevertheless, rubbernecker that you are, you can’t help but gawk until you crash.

So, in the honored tradition of DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! or KERRY CHOOSES GEPHARDT!, here are some more, shall we say, intriguing headlines (and only a few political) that might make it easier to make the jump.

RED SOX TAKE WORLD SERIES! Babe Turns Over In His Grave

HOWARD STERN DIES IN FREAK RIVER BAPTISM ACCIDENT! Stuttering John Speechless

BEN AND JERRY’S ‘PHISH FOOD’ ICE CREAM CURES CANCER! To Hell With Atkins

PARIS HILTON IS A MAN! New ‘Invisa-Tuck’ Method Patented

MICHAEL MOORE: THE MICHIGAN MILITIA’S NEW LEADER! Oliver Stone Reveals the Conspiracy

TOMMY LEE GRADUATES SUMMA CUM LAUDE FROM UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA! Impregnates Fourteen, Destroys Grade Curve

JOHN EDWARDS REMOVES ‘PRETTY-BOY’ MASK! “I’m Kilroy! Kil-roy!”

OPRAH MARRIES JERRY SPRINGER! Dr. Phil Explains Why Their Love Works

NAACP BESTOWS POSTHUMOUS HUMANITARIAN AWARD TO MARGE SCHOTT! Oceanfront Property in Arizona Included for Heirs

ALL WOMEN OVER 30 GET FREE POOL BOY! Orlando Bloom Clones Released Today

CONDELEZZA RICE STALKS WARREN BUFFETT! “He’s The Kind of Evil Doer That Do Me Oh, So Well! Plus, He's Loaded.”

HOT NEW REALITY SHOW ABOUT…REALITY SHOWS! Mark Burnett Caps His Own Weasel

BOOKSHELF FILLED WITH CHEAP ROMANCES CRUSHES NORA ROBERTS! Publishers To Consider Real Authors Again

COURTNEY LOVE IDOLIZES SINEAD O’CONNOR! Moves to Ireland, Becomes Priest

KERRY NEVER IN VIETNAM! "It Was All a Bad Acid Trip."

SCOTT PETERSON KILLED JONBENET RAMSEY! Claims O.J. Put Him Up To It

ALAN GREENSPAN NAMES HERBERT KORNFELD AS SUCCESSOR! “He Gots Skillz, Dawg.”

KATHY LEE GIFFORD FOUND GUILTY OF CHILD ABUSE! Cody and Cassidy Cry “No More Leeches, Momma, and Please Stop Singing!”

HILLARY OUTED! Mary Cheney Reveals Tawdry Love Tryst Details

INTREPID MEDIA NABS CLEAR CHANNEL COMMUNICATIONS! Broadcast Theme Park Coming Soon

ASHTON KUTCHER PUNKS DEMI MOORE! Fake Relationship Two-Hour Special to Air During Sweeps Week

GOTTI FAMILY ISSUES HIT ON SOPRANOS! Completely Unaware Sopranos Are Fictional

GEORGE W. BUSH BECOMES TIBETIAN MONK! “Himalayas – They’re Near the Hinterlands, Right?”

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY THE NEW "IN" THING! Malls Overrun, Shoppers Left Wanting

UFO DISCOVERED IN CALIFORNIA AVOCADO GROVE! Serial Number Reads 10.13

ANN COULTER AND BILL MAHER: TOGETHER AT LAST! Dr. Phil Explains Why Their Love Works

TRACEY KELLEY HAS NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER, THEN WINS POWERBALL! "J-Lo's Momma Has Nothing On Me."

MARTHA STEWART ESTABLISHES 60s REVIVAL COMMUNE! “Prison Taught Me the Meaning of Togetherness.”

CONGRESS TO AID BUDGET DEFICIT BY VOTING UNANIMOUS PAY CUT! Monkeys Expected to Fly out of Mike Myers' Butt

MICHAEL JACKSON WEDS ELVIS’ GRANDDAUGHTER! Eewww…Wait…No, Just Eewww

NBC TO ‘THE DONALD’: “YOU’RE FIRED”! Replaces Him With Michael Eisner

JON STEWART INAUGURATED! “If You Think This Will Change Me, Well, You’re Right. But Not Much.”

RUMSFELD BANS HALLOWEEN! "Freedom Isn't Fun. Behind Every Superman Mask, Every Bedsheet Ghost, There's a Terrorist."

JENNA JAMESON RELEASES BILL O'REILLY LOVE SHACK TAPES! Maria Shriver's Name Called Out in Heat of Passion

PRINCE KNIFES P. DIDDY! Claims Over-Sampling and Hack Promotion Drove Him Mad

HOLLYWOOD BANS ALL REMAKES! “If You Can’t Bring Us Something Original, You’ll Never Work in This Town Again!”

BILL CLINTON BECOMES NEW PROMISEKEEPERS LEADER! Jerry Falwell Breaks Down

LANCE ARMSTRONG: MARATHON UNICYCLIST! Tour de Cirque du Soleil to Follow

ENRON DONATES $400 MILLION TO NPR! Director Coughs Blood, States “We’ll Put This to Good Use.”

JOE PROCOPIO: FATHER OF TWIN GIRLS! Women Throughout North Carolina Laugh at Hysterical Twist of Fate

and finally:

DICK CHENEY IS AN ALIEN REPTILE! But, You Already Knew That


ABOUT TRACEY L. KELLEY

Tracey likes to shake things up and then take the lid off. She also likes to keep the peace, especially in a safe, fuzzy place. Writer, editor, producer, yogini, ('cause yoger or yogor simply doesn't work) by day, rabid WordsWithFriends and DrawSomething! player by night. You can follow her on Twitter: @traceylkelley or @tkyogaforyou

more about tracey l. kelley

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COMMENTS

tracey kelley
10.29.04 @ 12:12a

Props to Brian and Erik for the Schott/Armstrong leads. Whoo-dog!

The Sox headline I wrote, thinking the Series would stretch into at least the 6th game. But noooooo!

[edited]

juli mccarthy
10.29.04 @ 12:37a

Mark Burnett Caps His Own Weasel

*choke, sputter!* Man, there are some doozies in here!


robert melos
10.29.04 @ 1:04a

Read the Weekly World News. The alien that dated Hillary dumped her for Condolezza Rice. There was even a photo. I'll bet Hillary is crushed.

erik myers
10.29.04 @ 8:13a

New ‘Invisa-Tuck’ Method Patented

HA!

juli mccarthy
10.29.04 @ 8:51a

Read the Weekly World News.

THAT'S what's missing from this column: Bat-Boy!

tracey kelley
10.29.04 @ 9:50a

Nope. Cheney had to be the kicker. It was something I saw on Penn and Teller's show, where in they interview an "expert" on alien races, and he claimed that George W., Cheney and the entire British monarchy were part of an alien reptile race that's been ruling earth for quite some time.

Yep. I fell over laughing.

So Cheney is my Bat-Boy!

lucy lediaev
10.29.04 @ 11:45a

Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me laugh on a dull Friday morning!

tracey kelley
10.29.04 @ 1:35p

My pleasure, Ann's momma!

anya werner
10.29.04 @ 4:52p

But where do I pick up my pool boy?

And, hmmm, the serial number on the Avocado UFO is my birthday. Does that mean something?

tracey kelley
11.1.04 @ 7:47a

Maybe I should have made it TEN THIRTEEN. Does that trip the memory wire at all?

tracey kelley
11.3.04 @ 8:50a

Damn. I should have added: ELECTION HUNG UP AGAIN! No, Really?



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