It’s the Friday before the 2004 Presidential Election.
The American election process. Otherwise known as “Which Devil’s Spawn Looks Better in A Blue Tie? The Public (Well, Sorta) Decides.”
You’re throwing-up-behind-a-tree sick of glaring headlines.
KERRY BLAMES BUSH FOR FLU VACCINE CRISIS! SAID HE'D HAVE MADE MORE!
BUSH CALLS KERRY A LIBERAL WIENIE! "KETCHUP-WIENIE...GET IT?"
Nevertheless, rubbernecker that you are, you can’t help but gawk until you crash.
So, in the honored tradition of DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! or KERRY CHOOSES GEPHARDT!, here are some more, shall we say, intriguing headlines (and only a few political) that might make it easier to make the jump.
RED SOX TAKE WORLD SERIES! Babe Turns Over In His Grave
HOWARD STERN DIES IN FREAK RIVER BAPTISM ACCIDENT! Stuttering John Speechless
BEN AND JERRY’S ‘PHISH FOOD’ ICE CREAM CURES CANCER! To Hell With Atkins
PARIS HILTON IS A MAN! New ‘Invisa-Tuck’ Method Patented
MICHAEL MOORE: THE MICHIGAN MILITIA’S NEW LEADER! Oliver Stone Reveals the Conspiracy
TOMMY LEE GRADUATES SUMMA CUM LAUDE FROM UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA! Impregnates Fourteen, Destroys Grade Curve
JOHN EDWARDS REMOVES ‘PRETTY-BOY’ MASK! “I’m Kilroy! Kil-roy!”
OPRAH MARRIES JERRY SPRINGER! Dr. Phil Explains Why Their Love Works
NAACP BESTOWS POSTHUMOUS HUMANITARIAN AWARD TO MARGE SCHOTT! Oceanfront Property in Arizona Included for Heirs
ALL WOMEN OVER 30 GET FREE POOL BOY! Orlando Bloom Clones Released Today
CONDELEZZA RICE STALKS WARREN BUFFETT! “He’s The Kind of Evil Doer That Do Me Oh, So Well! Plus, He's Loaded.”
HOT NEW REALITY SHOW ABOUT…REALITY SHOWS! Mark Burnett Caps His Own Weasel
BOOKSHELF FILLED WITH CHEAP ROMANCES CRUSHES NORA ROBERTS! Publishers To Consider Real Authors Again
COURTNEY LOVE IDOLIZES SINEAD O’CONNOR! Moves to Ireland, Becomes Priest
KERRY NEVER IN VIETNAM! "It Was All a Bad Acid Trip."
SCOTT PETERSON KILLED JONBENET RAMSEY! Claims O.J. Put Him Up To It
ALAN GREENSPAN NAMES HERBERT KORNFELD AS SUCCESSOR! “He Gots Skillz, Dawg.”
KATHY LEE GIFFORD FOUND GUILTY OF CHILD ABUSE! Cody and Cassidy Cry “No More Leeches, Momma, and Please Stop Singing!”
HILLARY OUTED! Mary Cheney Reveals Tawdry Love Tryst Details
INTREPID MEDIA NABS CLEAR CHANNEL COMMUNICATIONS! Broadcast Theme Park Coming Soon
ASHTON KUTCHER PUNKS DEMI MOORE! Fake Relationship Two-Hour Special to Air During Sweeps Week
GOTTI FAMILY ISSUES HIT ON SOPRANOS! Completely Unaware Sopranos Are Fictional
GEORGE W. BUSH BECOMES TIBETIAN MONK! “Himalayas – They’re Near the Hinterlands, Right?”
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY THE NEW "IN" THING! Malls Overrun, Shoppers Left Wanting
UFO DISCOVERED IN CALIFORNIA AVOCADO GROVE! Serial Number Reads 10.13
ANN COULTER AND BILL MAHER: TOGETHER AT LAST! Dr. Phil Explains Why Their Love Works
TRACEY KELLEY HAS NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER, THEN WINS POWERBALL! "J-Lo's Momma Has Nothing On Me."
MARTHA STEWART ESTABLISHES 60s REVIVAL COMMUNE! “Prison Taught Me the Meaning of Togetherness.”
CONGRESS TO AID BUDGET DEFICIT BY VOTING UNANIMOUS PAY CUT! Monkeys Expected to Fly out of Mike Myers' Butt
MICHAEL JACKSON WEDS ELVIS’ GRANDDAUGHTER! Eewww…Wait…No, Just Eewww
NBC TO ‘THE DONALD’: “YOU’RE FIRED”! Replaces Him With Michael Eisner
JON STEWART INAUGURATED! “If You Think This Will Change Me, Well, You’re Right. But Not Much.”
RUMSFELD BANS HALLOWEEN! "Freedom Isn't Fun. Behind Every Superman Mask, Every Bedsheet Ghost, There's a Terrorist."
JENNA JAMESON RELEASES BILL O'REILLY LOVE SHACK TAPES! Maria Shriver's Name Called Out in Heat of Passion
PRINCE KNIFES P. DIDDY! Claims Over-Sampling and Hack Promotion Drove Him Mad
HOLLYWOOD BANS ALL REMAKES! “If You Can’t Bring Us Something Original, You’ll Never Work in This Town Again!”
BILL CLINTON BECOMES NEW PROMISEKEEPERS LEADER! Jerry Falwell Breaks Down
LANCE ARMSTRONG: MARATHON UNICYCLIST! Tour de Cirque du Soleil to Follow
ENRON DONATES $400 MILLION TO NPR! Director Coughs Blood, States “We’ll Put This to Good Use.”
JOE PROCOPIO: FATHER OF TWIN GIRLS! Women Throughout North Carolina Laugh at Hysterical Twist of Fate
DICK CHENEY IS AN ALIEN REPTILE! But, You Already Knew That
Tracey likes to shake things up and then take the lid off. She also likes to keep the peace, especially in a safe, fuzzy place. Writer, editor, producer, yogini, ('cause yoger or yogor simply doesn't work) by day, rabid WordsWithFriends and DrawSomething! player by night. You can follow her on Twitter: @traceylkelley or @tkyogaforyou
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
10.29.04 @ 12:12a
Props to Brian and Erik for the Schott/Armstrong leads. Whoo-dog!
The Sox headline I wrote, thinking the Series would stretch into at least the 6th game. But noooooo!
10.29.04 @ 12:37a
Mark Burnett Caps His Own Weasel
*choke, sputter!* Man, there are some doozies in here!
10.29.04 @ 1:04a
Read the Weekly World News. The alien that dated Hillary dumped her for Condolezza Rice. There was even a photo. I'll bet Hillary is crushed.
10.29.04 @ 8:13a
New ‘Invisa-Tuck’ Method Patented
10.29.04 @ 8:51a
Read the Weekly World News.
THAT'S what's missing from this column: Bat-Boy!
10.29.04 @ 9:50a
Nope. Cheney had to be the kicker. It was something I saw on Penn and Teller's show, where in they interview an "expert" on alien races, and he claimed that George W., Cheney and the entire British monarchy were part of an alien reptile race that's been ruling earth for quite some time.
Yep. I fell over laughing.
So Cheney is my Bat-Boy!
10.29.04 @ 11:45a
Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me laugh on a dull Friday morning!
10.29.04 @ 1:35p
My pleasure, Ann's momma!
10.29.04 @ 4:52p
But where do I pick up my pool boy?
And, hmmm, the serial number on the Avocado UFO is my birthday. Does that mean something?
11.1.04 @ 7:47a
Maybe I should have made it TEN THIRTEEN. Does that trip the memory wire at all?
11.3.04 @ 8:50a
Damn. I should have added: ELECTION HUNG UP AGAIN! No, Really?