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can i get traded to miami too?
good enough for shaq = good enough for me
by jason gilmore (@JasonGilmore77)

To whom it may concern:

Recent events have inspired me to stand up and claim the respect that I deserve. I make you money, not millions, but enough that you have decided to pay me, not millions, but enough to cover my expenses. Still, it appears that our level of happiness towards one another has begun a steady, unstoppable decline. I have run out of things to do in addition to the menial task you pay me for in order to keep my mind positively occupied. Meanwhile, you are frustrated and bewildered by my inability to work 68-hour weeks consistently and cheerfully.

So, I suggest that we part ways. No, I’m not quitting. It seems that I always encounter a steep difficulty finding a job when I have quit the previous one. You know that, that’s why you treat me the way that you do. What I am proposing instead, is something that should benefit us both adequately, something that professional sports takes advantage of every off-season.

That’s right, Boss. I’m demanding a trade. Send me to Miami.

Like Shaq, I feel that I have worn out my welcome both at your company and in the state of California. I came out here to make movies. But now that I have rediscovered my literary roots, it’s probably best that I go back east, where most of the things that inspire me still reside. I have not been here eight years like Shaq, only five, yet my impact upon the city of Los Angeles has been just as enormous. When I’m gone, who else will the Culver City Police pull over, frisk and harass? And who else will provide the laughter that I give Hollywood execs when I pitch them my screenplays with three-dimensional black characters? And most importantly, now that Heather Millen’s gone, who’s really going to hold it down for Intrepid Media on the Left Coast? Exactly. My shoes are impossible to fill.

Having said that, I won’t make any other outrageous demands. I just want you to know the market, make sure you trade me for what I’m worth. You probably won’t get three promising players and a first-round draft pick for me just yet. However, you do have other options. Think of what Miami would be willing to give up: Two Hurricane cheerleaders, perhaps, and a large pepperoni pizza. Or maybe Philip Michael Thomas. What’s he been up to lately? If you’re going to go for him, make sure they throw in Don Johnson too. And a couple of flamingoes. With a partridge and a pear tree to be named later.

It’s not for me to say. You do the negotiating and get back to me with something acceptable. And before you know it, I’ll be off to the city of pink buildings and South Beach, where Tiger Woods and Serena Williams spend their down time. The land of milk and honey. I’ve heard Pittsburgh alumni do well there (see Marino, Dan). And you’ll be fine too. Maybe you’ll find someone without a college degree (since I’m the only oddball in my department who has one) who won’t read while he’s supposed to be working or ask so many probing questions or request so many vacations.

Anyhow, the offer’s on the table. Take it or leave it.

Jason Gilmore
Flunkie, Cubicle 6


Jason Gilmore is a film director, screenwriter, novelist and unrepentant Detroit Pistons fan. Track him down on Facebook.

more about jason gilmore


pluto's revenge
the real star wars
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topic: humor
published: 9.18.06

flying the unfriendly skies
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topic: humor
published: 8.17.05


joe procopio
7.16.04 @ 7:07a

Dear Jason,

We'd love to, but the sign-and-trade we did for Will Smith a few years back really dinged our cap. We've also got a couple of high-schoolers who are doing wonderful things with poetry that we plan to shower with shoe deals. Add into that the fact that we think once Carlos Boozer signs with Utah, he can break that contract and re-sign with us for one billion dollars over thirty-eight years, well, the best we can offer is a mid-level exemption, which means a PA job on CSI:Miami.

Best of luck,

Your Boss

jason gilmore
7.19.04 @ 2:07a

High schoolers who are doing wonderful things with poetry...


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