Interview With The Men Of Peace
A Time-Warner-Life Exclusive
It has been sought after since long before the first World War, and long before President Schwarzenegger uttered his famous words in his second inaugural address, “It’s good to be a surrogate Kennedy,” but not one of us truly believe this day would come. Yet, thanks to the ingenuity of Erik T. Fleckwood, we stand today on the threshold of a new world.
It is hard for some world citizens to comprehend the tremendous advances made by man since world peace was initiated one year ago this coming Sunday. The sudden communication between human beings, and the complete understanding of each other because of the insightfulness of one man has created our brave new planetary alliance. The World Union, where no one, regardless of age, race, sex, height, sexual orientation, or religious or non-religious affiliation is left behind.
Some twenty-two months ago, when the Earth, as we knew it, stood on the brink of complete self-annihilation, it was the foresightedness of Erik T. Fleckwood, then a poor unemployed divorced auto mechanic and Pamela Anderson worshipper in South Carolina, that flickered to life one evening. To hear Mr. Fleckwood tell it, there was not a shred of selflessness about his actions.
In an interview on his veranda overlooking the blue Pacific pounding the shoreline of his private island, Mr. Fleckwood said, “I merely got tired of all the bull****.”
Words of wisdom never rang more true than from the lips of our savior. He went on to say, “All I wanted was for my computer to work the way God had intended it to work when Bill Gates created it. I never really set out to save the world, or to solve the problems of the world. I never imagined one little idea would be so overwhelming, but here I sit on my private island, granting interviews to reporters and reaping the benefits of my own wisdom.”
And what wisdom it was when Mr. Fleckwood told us his story again, through a slight beer haze. “I remember the night the idea hit me. My wife, Idahlia, left me because I was broke and couldn’t support her or our children. She also really didn’t like my joining the Sanctified Church Of Pamela Anderson, but I figured we could get beyond religious differences if she would give me a chance.”
After a swig of beer, Mr. Fleckwood continued. “It was late at night, around two AM. I couldn’t sleep, it was hot, all I could find on the tube was some lame reruns of Webster; so I fired up the computer and started surfing for porn. It was at that point when the pop-up ads started flooding the screen and I couldn’t move the mouse fast enough to out click them, and then the computer froze up and I just lost it.”
Lost it, indeed. Erik T. Fleckwood is a master of understatement. This genius of our time became, in his own words, enraged. “I totally became enraged,” he said, adding, “All I wanted was to enjoy myself, if you catch my drift, while watching a hot streaming video. I didn’t want to deal with lame computer equipment. That’s when it happened. I just hauled off and punched my computer monitor.”
The unseen brilliance of our world savior in his actions of violence let forth into his mind a startling idea. He said, “I really hurt my hand a lot. I mean I broke all of my knuckles. I had to drive down to the county hospital with my fist packed in ice, so I couldn’t even take a beer with me because I had to use my other hand to steer.”
Oh he seems very casual about his actions of so many months ago, but at the time it was his simple desire for self-gratification that spurred his mind to solve his problem. “While the doctors set my hand and fitted me with a cast, I had time to think,” he told this reporter. “It was probably after the morphine and percocets kicked in, when I was drifting between being awake and totally zonked out that I had the idea.”
The idea, as he refers to it, was the revolutionary thought that has inadvertently created the state of world peace and unity felt by all which we enjoy today. “I was lying there on the stretcher, zoned out and finally getting some much needed rest when the thought of a soft computer monitor came to me,” said Mr. Fleckwood.
“It was like some dream. I didn’t know squat about computers other than the web surfing part, but my buddy Earl, that would be Earl Davis, now my ex-business partner who I’m suing for sole rights to the Softee Screen, had some ideas of how to go about making a high definition pliable flat monitor.
“We spent the next year or so perfecting our idea, my idea really, and then selling it to Dell. Yeah, we could’ve gone to one of those bigger companies, but it was a Dell computer that caused me to punch that first monitor and I figured I kind of owed it to them to give them the first shot at it.” His smile was deceptive, as if there were more but he was holding back due to some legal advice because of his pending lawsuit.
Earl Davis, the man who helped develop the Softee Screen and inadvertently helped bring about world peace has a slightly different take on the matter. Mr. Davis was interviewed on a Thursday evening, prior to the Erik T. Fleckwood interview, by this reporter.
The evening air was sweet and filled with the scent of a fresh summer rain. The ground, still damp, surrounding the high stonewalls of the Davis estate in Beverley Hills, gave off a fog as the warm ground absorbed the cool droplets of rain. Mr. Davis and I sat under a sheltering palm grove by his pool, where he told his side of the tale that changed history.
“Erik was drunk, as always. I figured he was high on percocet after smashing his hand into his monitor again. That night wasn’t the first time the dope pounded on his monitor. He called me about once a month to either fix his monitor or to help him get a new one because he lost his temper and smashed it.” Mr. Davis told me, while sipping a mimosa.
“I knew when I heard the idea it was something I’d been toying with myself, but not as readily as Erik had been. You see, in the back of my mind I’ve always been more of a people person, so I immediately recognized the importance of such a beneficial invention. Hell, every man has had the urge to pound his computer monitor to a pulp, and many have done so, but none of them thought much more of it.”
Mr. Davis, like his former business partner, is a genius with the understatement. “I never thought a soft computer monitor would bring about world peace, but I had an inkling it would be big from the first moment those guys at Dell started drooling.”
And drool they did, for it was only a matter of some advanced microscopic technology and holographic imagery projection through microchip technology that enabled Fleckwood and Davis to create the first Softee Screen from which Dell technicians modeled the Softee Screen 1000 series. It is unclear as to where they got their hands on this technology in the first place, but so much has been overlooked in the wake of ensuing world peace and a one-world democracy.
The modesty of both men is obvious in their acceptance of the Nobel Prize, via satellite from their separate locations. Even with their vast fortunes and world recognition, and their own struggle to overcome the issue of the lawsuit and counter-suit for controlling rights to the invention, these two men took the time out of their busy schedules to acknowledge that their contribution to world peace was but a small one and would not have been possible if our ancestors hadn’t screwed up the world in the first place.
It should be noted both Mr. Davis and Mr. Fleckwood share controlling interest in the Softee Screen, and are actually battling over the billions in revenue beyond their initial earnings from the first sales that garnered them and Dell record profits not expected to be seen again in our lifetimes.
Both men are single, and Mr. Fleckwood is actively seeking a woman with the body of Pamela Anderson and the brains to match, who isn’t, in his words, “a money grubbing b***h.”
Mr. Davis says he is content to pay for his companionship since “he knows where he stands when he foots the bill.” Neither of these enlightened men is interested in further interviews at the moment, but expect to give one after their lawsuits are settled.
So now we, the human race, have found true salvation through the invention of a computer monitor made of pliable soft material that we can punch to our hearts content. Who knew this was all it would take to bring about world peace? Not the great minds of our time, or our political leaders. No, it was a couple of goofs with a penchant for web porn, beer, Pamela Anderson, and violent outbursts that set our world on the path to peace.
Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.
ABOUT ROBERT A. MELOS
more about robert a. melos
IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
4.6.04 @ 9:45p
This is a beauty, great work. Too many good bits to quote them all.