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altered scents
bathroom humor
by robert a. melos

Friends are you tired of hearing someone utter “Oh my God! What died in here?” every time someone enters a lavatory after you’ve been to the loo? Are you embarrassed to have a coworker use the stall next to you in the executive washroom, for fear of being label a “Mr. Stinky” in the workplace? Do your family members avoid your home bathrooms after you’ve been in them, preferring the relief of a private shrub in a neighboring yard rather than donning a gas mask if they just can’t wait?

Well friends, you no longer have to suffer the embarrassment of hideously scented bowel movements thanks to Doctor Charles Farthinghoff, a noted research scientist and creator of Altered Scents*.

Altered Scents is a scientific breakthrough in the area of redefining odor. Thoroughly tested on laboratory animals ranging from rabbits to wild boars**, Altered Scents has changed the way human beings will look at bodily waste.

Just take two tablets twice a day, and you will notice immediate results. Dr. Farthinghoff has created an intricate balance between need and nature with the discovery of SH1 and SH2, acids that interact with the chemicals in your body to produce pleasant scentsations while performing normal bodily functions.

These acids are completely harmless*** in the average human being, and are safe for most animals. After extensive studies done throughout Europe and the Baltic States, Dr. Farthinghoff is now able to offer the world his amazing discovery for a mere $29.95 introductory offer.

You will get 60 pills, and a subscription to Dr. Farthinghoff’s monthly newsletter filled with helpful recipes for the family on the go, and coupons for many of his other useful household and natural health related products. Plus if you act today, you will get as an extra bonus 30 pills for free. That’s an added value of $25, for free.

Altered Scents comes in three formulas: rose, peppermint, and lavender, for your restroom pleasure. If you need more convincing just read the following testimonies:

“I would never allow my husband Herb to use the lavatory off our bedroom. He used to have to go downstairs and use the powder room just inside the front door. Thanks to Alter Scents, I don’t care where he goes.” – Mrs. Joy Liverspottle, Kearney, NJ.

“I used to be embarrassed to go to the washroom at the office. I always avoided eating Mexican food for lunch, and usually would attempt to control myself until I got home at night, or at least to the train station. Now I’m no longer embarrassed to use the office lavatories.” – Mr. Harold Culpepper, Wazoo, MI.

“My children used to feign asphyxiation every time I would use the bathroom at home. It was humiliating. Now, with rose scented Altered Scents, my (expletive) don’t stink.” – Mr. Ed (Bubba) Torkiniewski, Lodi, NJ.

That’s right friends, and yours won’t stink either with Altered Scents.

For an odorific loo experience, order today.

* Altered Scents is an herbal formula in the homeopathic family of medicines.
** No animals showed serious side effects for any prolonged period of time.
*** Side effects may include, but are not limited to, a slight discoloration (or royal blue coloring) of the stool and increased craving for knockwurst.


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


a disturbing thought
the story of one little thought, and the trouble he caused
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 10.5.02

what i want to be when i grow up
learn me something new
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 3.14.07


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