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queer eye of a queer guy
advice is cheap
by robert a. melos
8.7.03
television

When I first heard the title “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” I thought, “Oh good. An advice show for those of us who unfortunately find ourselves attracted to straight men.” So what if I was hoping for tips on how to pick up straight men, the fact of the matter is the show is an advice show. It just isn’t the kind of advice I was hoping for, but Que Sera.

I finally got around to watching an episode of Queer Eye, and all I can say is, it takes five men to replace Martha Stewart. Granted “Our Martha” didn’t zero in on a man and pick apart his life with bitchy quips and subtle innuendo about his package, but she did dish out most of the same style advice.

The episode of Queer Eye I managed to catch was what is being called “the proposal episode.” It seems five gay men accost a straight man in need of an eyebrow waxing, and a wardrobe change, and decorative coordination, and basic cooking skills, and transform him into the perfect man so his woman will swoon.

They’ve taken Pygmalion one-step too far, if you ask me. I’m not saying every straight man the world over couldn’t use the help of a gay man or two, or five, to coordinate his life and make him more desirable. I’m just saying these guys are going to end up breaking their own hearts. Let’s face it. They are creating silk purses out of these straight swine, changing them to be the kind of men they wish they could have in their lives. It’s all too altruistic for me.

However, in the spirit of helping out my straight brethren, and perhaps finding one interested in taking a stroll on the wild side, I’ll offer my own “queer” advice for the straight guy.

1: Above all else, if you really want to impress your partner, listen. Yes, it’s simple advice, but most men, straight and not so straight, fail to heed it. Just listen to your partner. Actually spend a few seconds to comprehend what they are saying, before you summarily tune them out because “the game is on.”

2: When you are out with your partner, do not turn into that cartoon woof whose tongue unfurls like a carpet and his eyes bulge out every time you pass a hoochie mama on the street. If you are with someone you supposedly love, they should be the center of your attention.

3: Shower. Bathe. I don’t care which one your choose, whether it’s a quick dash under a cold spray or luxuriating in a tub of hot water filled with soft bubbles, cleanliness is essential. I don’t know if it truly is next to Godliness, but if you want to be next to me then take a bath! I know there are some out there who like a “manly” smelling man, but “manly” doesn’t mean stinky. A dash of aftershave is also acceptable, but don’t drown yourself in it.

4: If you can’t cook, don’t try to fake it. Guys, no one, male or female, wants to sit through a five-course antacid fest no matter how much they love you. A pizza from a reputable establishment is more appreciated than a burnt attempt at poulet au lait de coco et vin. This brings us to honesty.

5: Straight or gay, honesty goes a long way in any relationship. If you lie to get the prize, the prize might not be as sweet when the prize learns he or she was lied to. In other words, if you’re lyin’ you’re dyin’. This could be quite literal depending on the stability level of your chosen partner.

In all truthfulness, there is nothing specifically queer about any of this advice. Most of it is common sense, and perhaps that is what television really needs. Instead of gimmicks to pull in gay viewers so advertisers can pander to the lowest common denominator in queer circles, as Bravo did with the commercial break for a gay dating service featuring a “real life” cowboy direct from the pages of Men Magazine, the programming directors should take the high road and produce a show offering common sense everyone can identify with.

If anything, Queer Eye is a good example of just how similar hetero and homosexuals are. It shows the Madison Avenue boys, and bois, everyone has a need to shop, and a need to feed their curiosity about what might be different from them.

The best thing about Queer Eye is that it isn’t a gay dating show.


ABOUT ROBERT A. MELOS

Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos

IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...

for the world is shallow
and i have scraped the bottom
by robert a. melos
topic: television
published: 4.30.07





COMMENTS

adam kraemer
8.11.03 @ 10:50a

True, but I've gotten some fabulous fashion tips from that show.

heather millen
8.11.03 @ 2:05p

He's also began using the word "fabulous."

robert melos
8.12.03 @ 12:43a

See, the show is working it's magic even without giving Adam a complete makeover. Chalk one up for a gay agenda.

erich richter
8.16.03 @ 4:12a

Ok Robert, fag devils advocate here...

Is getting the reds in your apartment to match really an issue of common sense? Ok, in all honesty the bit about picking the guy's closet apart with a salad tongs was pretty funny but that could easily have been my closet and they'd have needed a lot more than tongs to stay out of trouble in there. I'm so gay'd out I can't stand it anymore. Given the fact that people (for some reason) actually still watch TV even though 33 minutes of every hour are devoted to commercials, I think this kind of thing is unproductive and false.

Lets just act like men already, or women, or let the women act like men. I don't care. People spend too much time worrying about it. Graham Norton said it best; "Top, bottom... who cares I'm drunk, just do what you want."

Every time gay guys appear in the media they either can't get laid (not a problem trust me), can't decide what to wear, are out getting high on X, defiling some 16 year old blond haired virgin (yuck) or they're trying to artifically inseminate some lesbian. Who are these queens. I know a lot more gay men that wish gay men would simply act more like the effortless straight men they so admire. I guess the other extreme is the "Man Show", how stupid is that? Kill your television.

[edited]

[edited]

robert melos
8.17.03 @ 1:31a

Well, I don't particularly admire anyone, gay or straight. As for getting laid, I want more than sex, I want trust. Since I can't feel trust, sex is something about which I'm ambivalent. I know I'm the best I've ever had, so no one can make me feel the way I can. Thus, "Men? Who needs 'em?"

And yes, color cordination is common sense, and an artistic and tasteful eye. Damn! We do need shows like Queer Eye. Oh well, I guess I was wrong.



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