Summer means a lot of things. It means the temperature will be rising faster than the national unemployment rate. It means everyone else will be getting tan while the optic nerves of people within 50 feet of me melt whenever I go shirtless. And it means someone’s getting really close to the winning date in the J-Lo/Affleck divorce pool. But really, summer is best known for two classic American pastimes – drinking and movies.
Sure we drink year round, but when things heat up during the summer we really love to imbibe. From barbecues and bonfires to beaches and baseball games, it’s this part of the calendar where our livers hate us.
Of course the other part of summer is movies. There’s nothing like a good summer blockbuster - except for Part 2 of an old summer blockbuster. However with ticket prices hitting double digits these days, more and more people are turning to the wonderful world of NetFlix – the popcorn is cheaper, the floor isn’t as sticky, and you don’t have to sit through a U.S. Army commercial before every movie.
So because I like you all (or at least do a really good job pretending I like you all), this month’s column will be the ultimate in summertime entertainment. Introducing Matt’s Movie Drinking Game.
It's easy to play: Rent any movie you want (except My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that movie sucked). Sit down in front of the TV with at least 24 beers handy. Pop a cold one. Hit play. And drink the appropriate amount any time the following happens:
• Someone gets shot and falls off a balcony/roof – 1 drink. (Extra: If they crash through something as they fall – 2 drinks.)
• Someone gets kicked out of a bar and is thrown into bags of garbage – 1 drink.
• A main character who has given up on love, suddenly meets the man/woman of their dreams and falls head over heels – 1 drink. (Extra: If the person they meet initially has a significant other or is about to get married – chug a beer.)
• The phone call is coming from inside the house – 3 drinks.
• The phone call is coming from outside the house, but they can see what you’re wearing! – 6 drinks.
• Chase scenes – 1 drink for every car involved.
• Chase scenes with someone on a motorcycle – 2 drinks.
• Chase scenes with someone on a snowboard – chug a beer.
• Chase scenes with a snowboard and a helicopter – chug 4 beers.
• Chase scenes with techno music as a soundtrack – chug a beer.
• A bullet makes the car explode – 1 drink.
• The cop breaks the rules and is forced to take “vacation” – 2 drinks. (Extra: The cop follows the case anyway and catches the bad guy! – chug a beer.)
• Sex while it’s raining – 2 drinks.
• Sex in the rain – 5 drinks and smoke a cigarette.
• Snowflakes fall as characters kiss – 10 drinks.
• The guys in the surveillance van are comic relief – 3 drinks.
• Woman thinks man is a chauvinistic pig – 1 drink. (Extra: She sleeps with him later! – chug a beer.) (Extra #2: Guy turns out to be gay! – drink until you pass out.)
• Crazy kids pull one over on the principal/dean – 2 drinks.
• Characters address the camera – 1 drink.
• Voice-over to start a movie – 1 drink.
• Voice-over ends up being from a character who has died! – chug 2 beers.
• The alien isn’t really dead – 2 drinks. (Extra: It’s hibernating inside an astronaut! – chug a beer.)
• The aliens can be killed by common cold/normal household items – 5 drinks. (Extra: The discovery is made by accident! – chug 2 beers.)
• The funny guy, thinking people are playing a joke on him, gets killed by the psycho – 2 drinks.
• When the killer is coming, the car doesn’t start – 2 drinks. (Extra: His weapon punctures through the roof! – chug a beer.)
• Evil mastermind is a woman – 1 drink. (Extra: Hero turns down her offer for sex – 5 drinks.)
• Family hates boyfriend/girlfriend because they’re of a different race/religion/ethnicity – 2 drinks. (Extra: They learn to love him/her anyway – 5 drinks.)
• Double crossing – 2 drinks.
• Triple crossing – 4 drinks.
• Double crossing the double crossers – chug a beer.
• Blue-green film transfer – 4 drinks.
• Good guy has a witty line before killing bad guy – chug a beer.
• Someone dies but no one calls the cops – 3 drinks. (Extra: They hide the body because no one will know – 6 drinks.) (Extra #2: Suddenly, everyone who knows starts dying mysteriously! - chug 2 beers.)
• Bad guy kidnaps good guy’s girlfriend/wife/mother – 5 drinks.
• Swordfights – 1 drink (Extra: Someone gets a cut across the cheek – 5 drinks.) (Extra #2: The guy pauses to see if he's bleeding, then tastes his own blood! – 10 drinks.)
• Man holds gun to woman’s head – 1 drink. (Extra: Cop shoots him between the eyes anyway! – chug beer.)
• There’s a setback in the caper planning – 1 drink.
• Man gets fed up with The System – 1 drink. (Extra: After taking hostages, the public still supports him because he’s a regular guy! – Chug a beer.)
• The ugly, nerdy chick turns into a sexpot! – 4 drinks.
• Dork/popular girl, old man/young kid, mother/daughter wake up one morning to discover they’ve swapped bodies, then learn each other’s lives are tougher than they thought – 8 drinks.
• There’s a computer generated animal – 1 drink. (Extra: It talks! – chug 1 beer.) (Extra #2: It plays a sport! – chug 5 beers just because you rent dumb-ass movies.)
And there you have it. Matt’s Movie Drinking Game is guaranteed to make any movie, and your entire summer, more entertaining. Warning: Do not attempt this game when Freddy vs. Jason comes out on video.
Matt would love to be George Plimpton...welll, except for the being dead part. He supplies the doing and the writing. All he asks of you is the reading.
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IF YOU LIKED THIS COLUMN...
7.14.03 @ 12:33a
Nothing will go up as fast and the national unemployment rate.
7.14.03 @ 9:22a
Or the number of trash sequels in the theaters this summer.
7.14.03 @ 11:38a
When did it change from being ok to make a sequel from a great movie, to being ok to make a sequel from a mediocre-at-best movie? Legally Blonde 2? Dumb and Dumberer? Final Fantasy 2?
I mean really.
7.14.03 @ 11:44a
• Female crime fighter/special agent wears 'standard issue' latex while on duty - 2 drinks.
• Every time female crime fighter/special agent changes her outfit - 1 drink. (Extra - if new outfit includes another pair of stilettos - drink more...)
7.14.03 @ 12:01p
Actually rented two really good movies this weekend, Y tu Mama, tambien and Igby goes down... LOVED that one.
Sure, I'm a bit behind, but with the crap in the theatres this summer, I'm with Matt. Unfortunately, neither DVD selection provided ample opportunity to get drunk based on these rules.
7.14.03 @ 12:02p
Based on the "crazy kids" / "characters address the camera" / "chase scenes" rules, I get the queasy feeling that Spy Kids 3D is going to be pretty brutal.
7.16.03 @ 9:24a
Sorry, forgot to take this with me to Pirates of the Caribbean last night. Would've had to drink 10 or so times for the swordfights, plus one for a gun held to a woman's head.
But if I'd been drunk, I couldn't've truly appreciated the beauty that is Orlando Bloom.