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viagra, hgh, enlarge your....
by robert a. melos
5.7.03
humor


Being a busy person, with a multitude of interests, I have more than your average number of e-mail accounts. Of course there are three business accounts, two for back-up in case I change my web access, or drop that one all America seems to be on, or just need a change of pace. I also have several others to go with my personalities, and to have because they came with my web sites. Having all of these e-mail accounts, I also get an inordinate amount of junk mail.

Now we all get junk mail. When I get the snail-mail variety I simply toss it out unopened. I’ve become wise to the tricks to get a person to open an envelop, such as no return address, or some obscure return address without a name, or stamping “open immediately” or “you may already be a winner” on the front of the envelop, and I still toss them away unopened.

Perhaps it is the fact I have very little natural curiosity. No, it’s true. I’m not very curious by nature: naughty perhaps, but not curious. I do have interest in what makes people do the things they do, but I really don’t care for animate objects. So it isn’t surprising for me to leave my snail-mail unopened for weeks at a time; at least, that which I do not toss out on the way from the mailbox to the table.

Now e-mail is quite a different animal. You see, most accounts don’t allow you to leave the mail unopened for very long. One of the reasons is the storage space. 3.0 megabytes of space can fill quickly, especially when junk mail is involved.

Now I define junk e-mail as anything with the words “enlargement,” “viagra,” “mortgage,” or “Hey Baby” in the subject line. I do not now nor will I ever need to enlarge my penis. Thank you very much for the offer, but I believe some things should not be tampered with through the use of vacuum pumps or completely organic medications.

I feel pretty much the same way about vitamin V. Aside from the danger of use with high blood pressure, I do not see a pill which can help a man maintain an erection as being the greatest scientific breakthrough since E=MC2. It could just be me, or the fact I’m only 39 and not currently in a relationship, but I still believe the best sexual stimuli is in the mind. A little pill is only something to mask the reality of the situation.

I’m not judging those who need or want the assistance of Viagra; I’m just stating it is not something for which I have a use. A mortgage is also something for which I have no use. Working in the field of real estate, I come in contact with a multitude of mortgage brokers whom I know, and some whom I almost trust. Why, I wonder, would someone try to get a mortgage through a faceless stranger on the other end of e-mail? When I’m dealing with money, I usually want to see the face of the person I’m trusting. This is especially true if we’re talking about hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Finally the “Hey Baby” e-mails are the ones I can sometimes still be tricked into opening. Not all of them actually have “Hey Baby” written in the subject line. Some of them are creative, with cute little phrases like “you left the chat before I could talk to you,” or “Mike asked me to forward this to you.” Since I don’t frequent chat rooms I know to dump those. On the other hand I do know several Mike’s, and if I receive one of those at a business account I think it might actually be from a client or customer and open it. Hint: They are never EVER, from a client or customer.

This brings me to an intriguing e-mail subject line I received the other day at one of my business accounts. It read “White Guys Are Delicious.” I wasn’t going to open it because I jumped to the immediate conclusion it was a porn ad, and I don’t like to open those e-mails on a company computer. However, after deleting it, I couldn’t get the subject line out of my mind.

I began to wonder if it really were an ad for porn? Well of course it had to be an ad for porn. What else could it be? I mean, “White guys are delicious.” Come on. It was so obvious. Or was it?

As my day progressed my mind wandered back to that e-mail several times. What if it weren’t e-mail for porn at all, but e-mail about cannibalism? What if it was an ad for a cannibal cookbook? Why would someone be sending me e-mail about cannibalism, I wondered?

No, I firmly resolved, it had to be porn because cannibals simply did not exist in the polite society of New Jersey. At least I hoped cannibals and cannibalism didn’t exist in New Jersey society, polite or otherwise. I went about my work.

Several more times during the day my mind wandered back to that e-mail. What if it were cannibalism, I thought? Had I somehow gotten on a cannibal recipe swapping mailing list? And if so, what kind of recipe had been in that e-mail? Was it for a broiler, a toaster oven, a microwave, or a barbecue?

I allowed my mind to ponder the types of wine one would serve with “white guy,” and whether “white guy” was really white meat or dark meat? What kind preparation did “white guy” require, and what kind of storage? Did “white guy” keep well? And again, who would be sending me such e-mail?

The day managed to pick, and I all but forgot about the e-mail. That evening, as I checked some of my personal e-mail accounts, I came across the same subject line several more times. I was tempted to open it, but decided no matter what it truly pertained to, I would be disappointed if I knew.

If it were porn it would just confirm my thoughts that the human race is fully entrenched in vice, and eventually sex will become so in your face common place we will all lose interest in it. If it were truly a cannibal recipe swap, or something promoting cannibalism as a way of life, I would be both horrified and disappointed; because knowing such a thing existed would frighten me, and knowing such a thing existed would confirm my suspicions the human race was the worst thing on Earth, and the planet was once a truly beautiful place until human beings came along to muck it up.

If the e-mail were about anything else, I would be disillusioned because the subject line was possibly the most intriguing one I’d come across since discovering the joys of the Internet, and to think it would be wasted on something as silly as an enlargement advertisement, or a mortgage come on, just to get me to open the e-mail would make me feel sad for the lack of imagination after such an imaginative subject line.

I was content to just smile to myself and click on the delete key, leaving a bit of mystery in my cyber life.


ABOUT ROBERT A. MELOS

Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos

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