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bitch better have my money....
the irs that is...
by trey askew

This year I was the bitch and caught the business end of a pimp slap by Uncle Sam. I’m not usually one to whine about taxes. Yes, they suck. Aside from becoming the anti-christ and joining my “good” name with the word politician there is not much I can do about them and I accept that. Still though, you start attacking the beer fund and all bets are off. So I’ve come up with a plan of action that should see me recouping any losses from this year and providing me with a fat refund check next year.

1. Become Head of Household (HOH). Apparently cool titles like Jedi, Overlord, and Pretty Fly White Guy are not cutting it when it comes to taxes. Only the supreme HOH title commands any deduction to speak of for a single guy like myself. We’re talking a couple extra thousand in deductions for that little change ($6900 vs. $4700). And how to elevate to my new state of being? See number 2.

2. Adopt 18 children. After the whole marriage thing proved to be a bust on tax deductions this year, I’ve decided to look elsewhere to justify my status as HOH. Children seem the next logical choice since old people kinda creep me out and the ladies do love the children. So 18 children at $3000 a pop gives me another $54,000. The mental strain and overall aging process that comes with having children may not be worth it, but hey, it’s 54,000 smackers!

3. Buy a house. No better deduction than that place where you walk around naked singing at the top of your lungs. Assuming that last part invokes images of your actual dwelling (and not your Friday night). The house provides beaucoup write-offs and a cool place to stash your stuff. Win-win situation other than stupid mortgage payments. At least I’m investing that money instead of renting. And there’s another great reason for having a home. It’s part of number 4.

4. Start a business. You know who gets screwed in this lovely land called the US of A? The little people. Regular Joes (and Joettes) who forget to cross a t or try to deduct their pets as dependents. Petty, that’s what it is. You don’t see Kenneth Lay trying to claim $5000 in clothing donations to Goodwill do you? Because he doesn’t have to, he lets his company do it for him. What’s the worse that will happen to him if he gets caught for evasion? White-collar prison. Swimming pools and movie stars. Damn it feels good to be a gangster. Seriously though, tying numbers 3 and 4 together make perfect sense because then I can work from home and deduct for using part of my crib as office space. And if I start a non-profit company…think of the write-offs and tax shelters. We’re talking mo money, mo money, mo money.

5. While 2003 may be the year of the Sheep in the Chinese calendar, it will most certainly be a year of philanthropy for me. Goodwill? You betcha. Charitable contributions. Check. Political campaign funds? I guess so. Damn near anything I can donate to I will as long as they vouch that I did indeed send a check for $50,000 to each. Whether that check clears or not is not my major concern.

Any good planner always has a way out. My first thought would be Trey-Aid but since I’m not Willie Nelson and don’t have friends who could sell out a concert to benefit me I think that probably won’t work. The next was to have my corporation grow exponentially throughout the year so that Enron will be a forgotten scandal. Treyron will be all the rage in accounting scandal. You know they still haven’t indicted the CEO yet so there’s hope. If all else fails, there’s always a tiki hut in South America calling my name. Extradite me, I dare ya!


Trey is one lazy bastard when it comes to writing. It's amazing he even got this much out before distraction set in.

more about trey askew


you talkin to us, punk?
the us military takes it on the road
by trey askew
topic: general
published: 5.23.03

break on through....
by trey askew
topic: general
published: 7.30.02


tracey kelley
4.22.03 @ 12:23p

Pretty Fly White Guy. Ohmygawd, that is so you!

Imagine my disgust to be going through filing and find 3 more deduction receipts that I forgot to turn in. Damn!

heather millen
4.22.03 @ 12:48p

I can't believe they won't give you a nice tax break for our marriage*... after all you put up with!

Uncle Sam sucks. But I have you know, I'm taking no part in raising those 18 kids!

matt morin
4.22.03 @ 1:07p

Do you realize that if you use your home as your sole place of business, you can deduct things like landscaping, new carpeting, maid service, new furniture, etc.

Because I work in advertising, I can deduct anything advertising related including cable TV and all magazine subscriptions, too.

Of course it didn't do me much good this year...


trey askew
4.22.03 @ 1:45p

That's what I'm talking about Matt! Get cool stuff AND deduct it.

margot lester
4.22.03 @ 5:24p

you, too, can be a HOH.
-- velvet jones


robert melos
4.23.03 @ 12:24a

Don't try the home biz route in NJ. At least don't do an LLC. The new Gov., hopefully to be replaced ASAP, changed the NJ tax laws on small biz. I'm now dissolving my LLC.

The house thing is cool. I'm guessing just so you can come home at night and yell out "Trey's in da house."

As for a title, go with Supreme Commander of the Intergalatic Fleet. Uncle Sam knows they exist, and fears most anyone who claims to be a Supreme Commander.

roger striffler
5.5.03 @ 9:41a

I'm not sure I'd push the whole "Supremem Commander" angle, given this government's penchant for regime changes...

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