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war talk
making a date with destiny
by robert a. melos

“Excuse me, Iraq. This is America calling. We’d like to schedule a war. Is Thursday the 16th, at around 11 AM good for you?”

“So sorry, America, but the 16th isn’t good for us.”

“No. Well, how about the 23rd, at, say, oh, 1 PM?”

“Not good, we’ve got posturing practice most of the day. What about the 14th, around 9 AM?”

“No can do. We’ve got a stock market crash planned for the 14th and the 26th. How are you booked for the 15th? We’ve got most of the day free.”

“Um, 15th is a day to praise Saddam Hussein for his diligence in protecting and guiding the country in these turbulent times. What are you doing on the 12th?”

“The 12th? Two demands at the UN and a gala pro-abstinence rally and potluck dinner. What does your day look like for the 21st?”

“A school play, depicting the wonderful leadership of Saddam Hussein, and then dinner with France.”

“Dinner with France on the 21st? But we’re having dinner with France on the 21st.”

“That’s not possible. We’ve had this dinner scheduled for weeks. You must have the dates wrong.”

“Oh no we don’t. We've even have reservations, and we’re planning a moonlight stroll after dinner.”

“We don’t think so. France won’t be taking a moonlight stroll with you, when we’ve been sending France flowers and having long phone calls where we talk about nothing in particular for hours.”

“Oh we think you’re up to something with France.”

“What France does with us is none of your business. France is a free country.”

“Unlike you.”

“Oh that does it. What’s your schedule like for the 19th?”

“Two PM?”

“No, bridge club until 5. After 5?”

“Couldn’t you cancel bridge club. We are talking about war here, you know?”

“We can’t cancel bridge club. We cancelled it last month. Maybe you could start the war before bridge club?”

“Well, we suppose pre-bridge club war is possible, but, oh could you hold on a moment? Call waiting.”

“Sure, go ahead.”


“No, it’s still us.”


“Nope, still us.”

“Oh well, we guess they hung up. Whoever it was, they’ll call back if it was important. So did we decide on a pre-bridge club was on the 19th?”

“That seems to be the—Oh drat. Before bridge club we’re having brunch with China.”

“Look, we have to schedule this at some point. We just can’t keep going on like this.”

“What happened to the old way of committing war? You know, just surprise attacks, massive blood shed, and lots of recriminations on both sides?”

“Oh come on. We can’t do things that way anymore. We’re a kinder, gentler country.”

“Well, so are we.”

“You are not.”

“Are too.”

“Are not.”

“Are too, are too, are too!”

“Not! Not! Not!”

“This is getting us no where. What if you attacked on the 20th, at 6 AM?”

“Six AM isn’t good for us. We just are nothing if we don’t get our 8 hours a night.”

“So go to bed early.”

“Look, this doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere. How about this? You fax us a list of times and dates when war would be convenient, and we’ll go over it and pick two or three different dates, and then we can narrow it down.”

“That sounds like a plan to us.”

“Good. We’ll be in touch as soon as we get your fax. Oh, Iraq? While we’re ironing this out, we want to increase weapons inspections.”

“Now hold on just a moment. We’re getting tired of your demands.”

“We’ll stop making demands when you get rid of Saddam.”

“Look, this isn’t getting us anywhere, and we’ve got guests coming in from Afghanistan later tonight. Could you call us back tomorrow?"

“Well, we probably can. We’ll check our schedule.”


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


brainwashed: a press release
the ultimate in ultimate game shows
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 9.1.04

full moon and blue jeans
maybe it was moon madness
by robert a. melos
topic: humor
published: 9.12.02


sigbjørn olsen
3.9.03 @ 6:16p

LOL. Funny =)

matt morin
3.10.03 @ 2:04a

The call waiting part was classic - the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

tracey kelley
3.10.03 @ 7:59a

Yeah,this is funny.

And horribly accurate.

sarah ficke
3.10.03 @ 9:57a

Heh heh heh. I like the part about France.

elena siprova
3.20.03 @ 9:06a

Excellent work! I really enjoyed the school play part - I'm sure that's not too far from the truth.

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