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student rampages through airport!
push for stronger security measures expected
by sarah ficke (@DameMystery)

The death toll reached 50 last night as a student rampaged through gates B1-B3 of the Manchester, NH airport.

Higher security measures are still in place after what some are calling an inexcusable security slip, which allowed a 23-year-old student with a deadly weapon into the boarding area. According to airport security, the suspect had passed through the security checkpoint where they relieved her of a small penknife stamped "Corn Palace" that was attached to her key chain. Unfortunately, they failed to catch the deadly weapon that wreaked such havoc in the boarding area. The weapon? A Pilot BP-S Medium black pen.

According to several witnesses, the student was checked through security and proceeded to her gate. She then placed her bags on a chair and removed a crossword puzzle and the weapon from her purse. She had filled in about half of the puzzle (later recovered for evidence) when she got up, leaving her bags unattended, and walked in the direction of the food court. Her intention was not realized until she turned and struck a security guard, who was in the act of scanning someone's groinal area, in the throat with her pen.

Three other security guards were struck before airport police gave chase. She fled towards gate B3, creating mayhem among deplaning passengers and crew. Five members of the sheriff’s department were stabbed, one through the eye, before she was apprehended and restrained.

An airport security manager, speaking under condition of anonymity, said, "The problem with the pen was that it was a ballpoint. If it had been a felt-tip the damage would have been much less."

The causes of the attack are still unknown. Bystanders speculated that the confiscation of her knife, apparently a souvenir from Mitchell, South Dakota, was the cause, but it is the belief of the police that it was either anti-American sentiment or her inability to think of a 34-letter word meaning "fantastic" that set off the rampage.

Said an airport representative: "It's a good thing she snapped before she boarded the plane. God only knows what would have happened if she'd had access to the plastic utensils we include with our meal service."

Many people believe that this is an isolated event not meant to terrorize the general public, although the FBI and CIA are investigating possible ties to the Al Qaeda terrorist network and its mastermind, Osama bin Laden, through her Competitive Badminton course at college. Director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, has not called a code orange, but is considering tightening security measures to prevent any further tragedies. The president had no comment except to say that "it is very sad to know that such weapons are in the hands of our young people." Rumor says that the Democratic Party is planning to include pen-control laws as part of its platform in the next election.


Sarah Ficke will make sport for you, and laugh at you in her turn. She has channeled her obsession for books into a career as an English professor.

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erik myers
11.1.02 @ 10:36a

See.. that's the thing. On Midwest Express, when I flew to Milwaukee, they took some girl's tweezers away from her in security and then they gave us metal forks on the flight. How does that equal out to safety?

I'm all for safety, and nobody dying and all that, but I think that sometimes they just focus in the wrong places. A pen knife? Come on. If someone wants to wreak havoc, they're going to try whether or not they have a pen knife on them.

russ carr
11.1.02 @ 10:55a

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." 34 letters.

Perhaps she can work on her vocabulary when she's rotting in a Gitmo holding cell awaiting her execution. Not only is she a murderess, she's also criminally arrogant to think she can do a crossword puzzle in pen without a strong vocabulary. Tsk.

tracey kelley
11.1.02 @ 11:05a

I've had 4 pairs of tweezers confiscated in the past year, and the wittle bitty file on my clippers snapped off twice.


I'm a 6' tall woman. If I want to hurt you, I'll twist your frickin' neck, not stab you with my tweezers.

sarah ficke
11.1.02 @ 11:09a

Russ gets the cookie!

erik myers
11.1.02 @ 11:36a

Tracey, that was just a beautiful statement. But that's exactly how I feel.

I don't need tweezers to hurt you. I can do it all on my own without any aids.

Stupid bastards.

sarah ficke
11.1.02 @ 11:41a

The reason I wrote this is because when I recently flew out of Manchester I went through security twice (in to get on standby, out to get food, and back in to the gate). They didn't catch my knife first time through, but they did the second time. And all I wanted to do, as they made me go buy an envelope to mail it to myself, was tell them that they're stupid lax people who are only doing their job well half of the time. Oh, and that I really could hurt them with the things they let me keep.

russ carr
11.1.02 @ 11:44a

The pen is mightier than the..er...penknife, so to speak?

sarah ficke
11.1.02 @ 11:49a

So to speak.

tracey kelley
11.1.02 @ 11:49a

Oh man- an envelope to mail something back to myself. What a great tip! Maybe I wouldn't lose so many items that way. I'll have to pack a few SASEs.

sarah ficke
11.1.02 @ 11:55a

I lost my old knife to airport security and didn't mind so much, but this one was new and from the Corn Palace. Lucky for me that the magazine/news place stocks padded envelopes and there's a stamp machine. Of course, I had to run all the way back outside to post the thing. You know, it would be nice if they had some way of holding things until the person comes back for them.

erik myers
11.1.02 @ 2:39p

Are you kidding me? That would be convenient and well thought out... which is something that the airlines are not in the habit of doing, anymore.

heather millen
11.4.02 @ 2:22p

After a weekend of travel, I want to stay home. The security was uninspiring, despite the peculiar knife-shaped object (albeit a trick knife, but still) in my carryon. The airlines were incapable. And the customer service was obselete.

sarah ficke
11.4.02 @ 4:25p

Heather, you might be able to sympathize with this article.

heather millen
11.4.02 @ 4:47p

Sarah, that's hilarious. I had actually just read that article and was not shocked to find LAX on it. I would also like to nominate Oakland. Every time I go there, shit hits the fan.

adam kraemer
11.4.02 @ 5:37p

It's a good thing they didn't find the nails on your fingers.

juli mccarthy
11.6.02 @ 10:53a

I once had to fly to Seattle with forty pounds of polymer clay and sculpting tools, razors and wire. You should have seen me trying to explain that to the English-as-a-second-language security guy. Nowadays, I wouldn't bother, I'd just UPS my art supplies ahead of me.

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