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conversation with a soul snatcher on a subway
a halloween tale of horror, depending on what you find horrifying
by robert a. melos

I've got the soul of a writer, and it didn't come cheap. No, I had to trade the souls of three business executives, two short-order cooks, and one fish monger, but it was well worth the trade. One should always treat one's self to the finer things in life, if one has the means.

It's not as if business executive souls are worth all that much, and short-order cooks can be picked up rather cheap on the open market. The fish monger is going to be harder to replace, but not impossible. I tried to offer up several senses of morality, but they are such a hard trade. It seems no one ever wants one. Although I do know some folks like to try to keep them as pets.

I've found a sense of morality makes for a lousy pet. They don't take to captivity too well, and they will bite the hand that feeds them when cornered. Also some places now have leash and pooper scooper laws, and all of that seems a bit much for a lousy sense of morality.

So what am I going to do with the soul of the writer, you want to know?

Well eat it, of course. That's what Soul Snatchers do with most of the souls they snatch. Oh I know it'll be rich and creamy at the center, filled with the gooey goodness of creativity, and the meat of the fruit will be succulent and sweet to the taste buds. And oh, the juice I will suck from the meat will moisten my lips and drip from my chin as I lap at the last tender morsels.

Sure you can get the occasional bitter writer's soul, but even the soul of a bitter writer is sweeter and more nourishing than the soul of a stockbroker or an investment banker. I know next week it'll be back to corporate lawyers and advertising executives. After all, once one devours such a rich meal as a writer's soul, one does feel the need to diet. And what better way to diet than on something lite in calories, and rich in fiber?

There's also a lot of protein in a corporate lawyer, if you can get them at the beginning of the week when they are fresh from the weekend of debauchery, and well stocked up with the desire to rape and pillage the corporate landscape.

What's that? Why do I do what I do?

Why to live. of course. Everyone needs nourishment. As this particular writer's soul put it, "live to write, write to live." We all have that which drives us. Some of us are more practical than others, taking care of our basic needs rather than trotting off on fanciful whims. Sure my mother had bigger plans for me than to be a Soul Snatcher. She saw an M.D. after my name, but I really didn't have much interest in such pursuits.

Are there any souls I won't eat? Again with the questions?

Truth be told I really don't have much of a taste for IT techs. They tend to be dry, and rarely filling enough for more than a quick snack on the run. Not that I make a pig of myself snacking often between meals. In fact I hardly ever snack. One must watch one's weight. I know the old saying, "a fat Soul Snatcher is a well fed Soul Snatcher," but not this minion of the devil. I like to keep trim and fit, thank you very much.

Oh, back to your question. Yes, I will never eat the soul of a super model. They go straight to my hips. There is nothing nutritious about them. Sure some Soul Snatchers like those vapid hollow shells, once they are drained of their superfluous narcissism, as decorative sun catchers to hang in a window, but it seems like a lot to go through just to get a pretty bauble.

When do I plan on eating the soul of the writer? My you ask a lot of questions. What is it you do for a living?

Media journalist. Really? Don't worry, Luv, I'm not looking for appetizers. Besides, a bag of popcorn is more nourishing, and much more filling. I really don't have time for more questions, as my writer's soul needs to be refrigerated to keep it fresh, and this is my stop. Catch ya later, if you move up on the food chain.


Robert is the author of the novels Cool Mint Blue, Melba Ridge, and the recently released The Adventures of Homosexual Man and Lesbian Lad; and the creator of the on-line comix Impure Thoughts found at his web site Inside R.A. Melos, as well as having been an on-line staff writer for QBliss where he had a monthly humor column, Maybe A Yip, Maybe A Yap. In his non-writing time, when he's not studying the metaphysical or creating a tarot deck, he sells real estate in Middlesex County New Jersey, hangs out with his dog Zeus, and spends time at the Pride Center of New Jersey in Highland Park, NJ, where he is on the Board of Trustees.

more about robert a. melos


is it over yet?
holiday memories in faded 8mm color
by robert a. melos
topic: writing
published: 11.29.03

killer instinct
a noir interpretation
by robert a. melos
topic: writing
published: 6.25.07


daniel castro
10.29.02 @ 5:51p


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